


Thank You For The Venom

by Headfirst_for_helena



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Band Fic, Drug Use, M/M, Revenge Era, Taste of Chaos Tour, Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:14:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 53,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23866591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Headfirst_for_helena/pseuds/Headfirst_for_helena
Summary: It's 2004 and My Chem are on tour. It should be a happy time, and yet Gerard finds himself spiralling, caught in a toxic relationship and addiction. The only people that can seem to get through to him at all are his bandmates, but that's becoming complicated too, as he's accidentally fallen in love with one of them.A pretty stereotypical revenge era bandfic, sorry to Bert McCracken for making him an asshole, I do love him really.
Relationships: Bert McCracken/Gerard Way, Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Comments: 6
Kudos: 59





	Thank You For The Venom

**Author's Note:**

> This is a pretty stereotypical fic, but I had a lot of fun writing it and I'd never written band fic au before so hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Also, I don't mean to romanticise addiction at all - I hope that comes across!

Packing for tour was a lot easier when you've learned not to care about personal hygiene. Gerard had long since accepted the fact that the jeans he was wearing would be torn to shreds within the next few months, and his stage shirts ruined by sweat beer and blood (you really never did know what was going to happen on these shows - they got crazier by the day.) There were the few staple things that couldn't be forgotten - the skeleton onesie, the makeup (and there was a lot of it), a comic or two. Most other things could be bought at gas stations. 

All in all, packing did not take long. When he was done he dumped his duffel bag by the front door and turned to look back at his apartment. Truth be told, he hadn't spend much time there that year. My Chem had snowballed into fame, and with it the tours got longer and the breaks between them shorter. 

He didn't mind though. He wasn't burned out yet, and this tour promised to be the best one yet. 

A knock on the door roused him from his daydreams of tours past. He took a final glance around the messy hallway in a last attempt to spot anything he might be forgetting. His gaze settled on his sketchpad, which he grabbed and quickly stuffed into the top of his bag. That was close, he was definitely going to need that on the road. 

With that he opened the door and swung his bag over his shoulder. 

"Ready?" Mikey Way grinned, leaning in the doorway. 

"Yea" Gerard stepped out, slamming the door and making a mental note to remember which bag pocket he put his keys in, because he will definitely have forgotten by the time he gets home from tour. "Am I the last to get picked up?" 

"Nah, we've gotta get Frank next then we're good to go" Mikey fell into step beside him. His usual beanie was not present today. Instead his hair had been straightened to the point it didn't really move, and he was wearing his normal band tee and black skinny jean combination that he was very rarely not seen in. 

"We better get moving then" the two of them emerged from the apartment block and climbed straight onto the waiting tour bus. 

"I've already claimed my bunk!" Mikey yelled after him as he headed down the bus, stopping to hug Ray and Bob. 

"Good to see you man" Ray grinned.

"Yeah long time no see" they hadn't seen each other for a couple of weeks, which is really weird when you're used to seeing each other all day every day. Gerard had really missed them all. He'd seen Mikey of course, and technically him and Ray had hung out two weeks ago, but he had to admit he was really looking forward to seeing Frank. His best friend had been away, and not having him round had felt strange. Like when you miss a step going up the stairs, or you feel like somethings missing but you can't quite put your finger on what it is. 

Gerard moved further back through the bus, reaching his new bedroom for the next few weeks. The bunks lined either side of the bus, and he could already see Mikey, Ray and Bob's stuff on the 3 on the left. He knew Frank liked to be on the top bunk, so he took the one beneath it, dumping his sketchbooks and comics so there was no doubt who it belonged to. 

Bus life could be a weird existence, but it suited him just fine. 

He couldn't have been out the back long before he felt the bus pull to a stop, and he couldn't help but grin, feeling almost nervous. He quickly headed to the front of the bus, but before he could even see Frank, he heard Bob yell out.

"For fucks sake get off me!" 

"Missed you too" Frank replied as Gerard stepped into the room, taking in the scene before him. Frank had tackled Bob to the ground in a hug, his bags and guitar abandoned behind him. Frank didn't spot him at first, too busy standing up and tackling Mikey. "Mikey fucking Way" was all he yelled. 

"Hey Frankie" Gerard chuckled. Frank immediately turned and met his grin, crossing the room within seconds and wrapping both arms around him. 

"I missed you motherfucker" Gerard hugged him back, enjoying every second of it maybe a tiny bit more than he should've done. It was fine though, it was perfectly normal to feel so strongly for people you're close to. Yes, maybe it felt different from the way he felt about the other guys sometimes, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. He'd been doing so for years, anyway. 

"You look tanned" he remarked, noticing now that Frank was up close. 

"More than you'll ever be that's for sure" Frank chuckled.

"How was California?" Gerard knew he'd been visiting his boyfriend's family out there. He also knew he should've text him whilst he was out there to ask how things were going, but for some reason he hadn't really wanted to think about it, let alone text about it. Which is stupid, because Frank spending time with Luke was hardly anything new. They'd been dating since they met at the start of last tour. Luke worked on stage lighting, and they'd hit it off. That was really all there was to it. 

Gerard was happy for him, of course. His own situation was a little more complicated though, so perhaps he was just projecting his frustrations from that onto it all. 

"It was great, missed home though. And you guys. This bus is starting to feel more like home than actual home does" he moved past Gerard and into the bedroom, immediately slinging one of his bags on the top bunk "phew, nearly thought I was gonna be left with the bottom one when I heard you lot were picking me up last."

"Thought about claiming it just to wind you up" Gerard remarked as he followed him into the room. Frank was one of those people you just found yourself following round so you could keep taking to them. Gerard sometimes found himself worrying that maybe he did it too much, but Frank never complained and always seemed eager to chat too. 

"You wouldn't dare" Frank climbed onto his bunk and swung his legs over the side, looking down at him "and if you had, I would've tackled you out anyway."

Shit, now Gerard was kind of wishing he had done. 

"Like you wouldn't wanna share it anyway" he quipped, not missing a beat. 

"At first maybe, but when we get a week in and you haven't showered there's no way in hell."

"Ah come on, you've missed it really."

"I've missed you, not the smell of this bus when we're halfway through tour though" Frank rolled his eyes "how have you been anyway? I didn't hear much from you these last few weeks."

"Fine" Gerard just shrugged "trying to write, went to a few parties, y'know, the usual."

"Good parties?"

"Not as good as being in Cali i'm sure" Gerard quickly diverted the conversation back to Frank. He was enjoying their catch up, but he didn't really want to talk about the parties he'd attended the last few weeks. Mainly because the details were fuzzy at best, and he wasn't exactly proud of it. 

"Ah, it was alright. Luke's family's kinda intense, not sure they really knew what to make of the guy with the scorpion tattooed on his neck." Gerard's eyes drifted to the aforementioned ink, seeing in sit beautifully against Frank's skin. Shit, he really needed to stop thinking weirdly about these things. It's just a tattoo. 

"Shut up, I'm sure they loved you."

"Maybe" he hummed "anyways, enough of that, you need to catch me up. What's going on with you and Bert at the moment?"

"It's complicated" Gerard immediately sighed. He was tired of people trying to ask about it, but with Frank it was more than that: it made him almost uncomfortable to talk about his weird relationship with Bert with him. He wasn't sure why, because Frank had always been so cool about everything. 

"Well I hope it's not too complicated seeing as we're going to be on tour with him and his band for the next month or so" Frank frowned.

"It'll be fine" Gerard didn't meet his eyes when he spoke "We've been fine recently anyway."

"Good" Frank jumped down from his bunk then "I'm gonna go annoy Bob some more, wanna come?"

"Of course" Gerard loved how Frank always knew when to drop a conversation and not press. It was something he appreciated more and more with every shitty interview he had to do on these tours, full of questions he was either disinterested in, or worse embarrassed by. 

**

The main tour bus journeys always happened overnight, otherwise they would have all gone stir crazy being stuck in one all day. Sure enough, after a few hours of catching up and hearing about Frank's time in California, yawns started to get more frequent and slowly but surely people started to head to bed. First it was Ray, then Mikey, and then Bob headed too. 

"I'm shattered" Frank sighed "you gunna turn in too?"

"In a bit" Gerard was already pretty comfy on the sofa, whilst Frank was sitting in the chair opposite him. "Might read for a bit first."

"Okay, well I'll see ya bright and early for soundcheck" Frank stood up and stretched. 

"Night" Gerard wasn't really expecting the conversation to continue, so was surprised when Frank turned back round and cleared his throat. 

"Er, Gerard?"

"Yeah?"

"It's good to see you again."

He said it so casually before turning and heading to his bunk, and yet it had left Gerard with a stupid grin that he couldn't seem to help. He forgot how infectiously happy Frank could be, even when he was feeling particularly low he always seemed to be able to pull him out of whatever he was spiralling into. 

The grin was quickly wiped away when his phone began to buzz beside him. He didn't even have to look down to know who was calling him. 

"Hey" he answered after a moment of deliberation. 

"Hey babe, how's your bus?" Bert was slurring a little, and Gerard found himself wondering if it was just from beer. 

"It's fine, we're all gonna get an early night I think" he was alone in the living area of the bus now, so curled up into the corner of the sofa and brought his knees up to his chest. "How's yours?"

"A lot better than yours by the sound of it then! Told ya you should've come on ours."

"I'd never leave the guys" Gerard frowned "but I'm glad you're having fun. You guys just drinking?"

"Yeah, gotta have a few beers to get things going. We're having a big one after the first show though, no fucking excuses for not turning up okay? It's been ages since you last had some proper fun." Gerard frowned a bit at that. It hadn't been that long since him and Bert last hung out, and it was always a wild night when they did. 

"I have fun" was all he retorted.

"Not without me you don't" Bert's remark was more teasing than serious, but it still made him a bit uncomfortable when he tried to dominate his life like that sometimes. 

"I miss you" he changed the subject. 

"Miss you too babe. I've gotta go though, enjoy the boring bus though, yeah?" Bert was a good level of drunk right now, just enough that he was fun to be around but could also still show a sweet side. Gerard knew each stage all to well by now, and he knew if he'd been on the same bus as him he'd be nervous at how long it would be before the fun, sweet Bert was completely gone and replaced with someone else altogether. 

"Night" He hung up, letting his chin rest on his knees and staring out the window. There wasn't much to see, just endless road and the occasional streetlight. His mind began to drift to previous tours, in particular the one where he'd met Bert. 

It had been summer, and they'd instantly hit it off, partying later and later into the night. At first he told people they were just good friends, but with each blurry night and each morning after waking up on the wrong bus, that lie had become harder to spin. 

He knew the others weren't too keen on Bert. Mikey always seemed nervous around him, and Ray and Frank had expressed concern over his influence before, but it had fallen on deaf ears. For Gerard, Bert was like a drug in himself. When he was around him he didn't need to care about anything, or anyone. Particularly the growing closeness of Frank and some stage lighting guy. It was stupid, but every morning Gerard woke up on The Used's tour bus was a morning he didn't have to wake up to Frank and Luke. He knew he should be happy for his friend, encouraging even, and he was very good at pretending to be. But deep down he couldn't help but feel happy that Luke wasn't going to be working on this tour. Instead he could have his best friend, uninterrupted. And his sort of boyfriend too. 

All in all, it should be a great month on the road. 

*

Soundcheck was boring, but it did give Gerard's day some structure. Otherwise he'd probably still be in his bunk, just counting down the hours till the show. Instead he stood on stage and looked out at the empty room that would be full later. It was a big venue, bigger than they'd played last time they were in this city, that's for sure. 

It still kind of blew his mind that so many people turned up each night to see them. It terrified him too, especially when he started to overthink it all, wonder if he was good enough, if he put on a good show. 

No wonder he'd never done one sober. 

"All sounds good to me" Ray was talking to the guitar techs, Frank the other side checking his own. He'd already tested his mic, so Gerard was technically done, but he liked to stay and hang around with the others. 

"When's The Used soundcheck?" Mikey asked from behind him. 

"Oh, I think they're after ours actually" Gerard hadn't actually seen Bert yet, but it sounded like the other bands had all arrived too if the commotion backstage was anything to go by. 

"Do you guys wanna do a run through to wrap up?" Ray asked, his issue now sorted.

"Sure - Ghost of you?" Gerard turned back to the mic as the rest of them nodded, and waited a moment as the guitars played their melodic intro. 

He began to sing, closing his eyes for a moment even though he knew every single world like it was tattooed onto his skin. Soundcheck could be nice like this, because he wasn't performing or worrying about the crowd, instead he was just standing still and singing, warming up his voice. They didn't need to run through the whole thing, so he stopped after the first chorus, the rest of the guys all trailing off too. 

When he opened his eyes, he saw that the auditorium wasn't completely empty anymore. Bert McCracken stood by the sound desk, leaning back and watching him. 

"You're good to go" the stage manager dismissed them, and Gerard gave Bert a small wave before they left the stage. He probably should've said something, but he didn't really want his relationship to be the centre of attention, not in front of the band and all the crew. The reunion could wait till later. 

Frank had just started to say something to Ray when Bert and a few of his bandmates came round the corner. Before Gerard could properly react Bert snaked an arm round his shoulder and kissed him. 

"Your voice gives me chills every fucking time" He declared before turning to the rest of them "Mikey Way, long time no see, and you lot" he gave a brief nod to Frank Ray and Bob. Ray and Bob smiled back, whilst Frank gave a very half hearted nod in his general direction. 

"Nice to see you too" Gerard blushed a little "we were just gonna all go get coffee if you wanna come?" 

"Yeah fuck it, why not. We've got another ten minutes till our soundcheck anyway" Bert shrugged, keeping his arm round Gerard. 

"Actually I've gotta go make some phone calls" Frank finally spoke up, briefly looking at Gerard before pulling his phone out his pocket as if to prove his point "but I'll catch you all up later."

"Oh, okay" Gerard tried his best to hide his disappointment "see you in a bit then."

"See ya" as Frank walked away Gerard made him self turn and head the other way. At least he wouldn't feel quite so awkward if Bert tried kissing him again. It always felt a bit weird around Frank, he was more self conscious than normal. 

"So" Bert pulled him from his thoughts "are you happy to see me or what?"

"Of course" he smiled, squeezing his arm "how was last night?"

"Mediocre, but that's okay. It was warm up for tonight anyway" he turned back to where Mikey Ray and Bob were trailing behind them "are you boys parting tonight too? We're having a massive one."

"I'll come for a bit" Ray nodded "got some songs I really need to work on though."

"The songs can wait" Bert rolled his eyes "it's not like you'd be able to finish them without a singer anyway, and he's gonna be preoccupied."

"We'll be there" Bob cut them both off, probably sensing the tension that was building. Ray liked to have a few drinks and unwind after shows, but that's where it stopped for him. When the drugs came out and things started to get messy he tended to grab his guitar and head for his bunk, often taking Mikey with him when Gerard was too fucked to successfully watch out for his younger brother. 

"Great!" Bert turned his attention back to his sort-of boyfriend and lowered his voice "I've got some great new shit that you're gonna love babe."

"Yeah?" Gerard couldn't help but perk up at that.

"Yeah, wait a sec" Bert fished about in his jacket before dropping something into his pocket. Gerard didn't have to ask what it was. "There's something for before the show. I know you need it, especially for the first one of tour."

"Thanks" Gerard felt his nerves lessen. He knew it was an awful habit to have fallen into, but the idea of going up on stage without a kick or just a little bump of something made him sweat. He'd just be so exposed, so him, and he worried that fans would feel let down when they realised he wasn't the rock and roll star they expected, but a shy guy that liked dramatic makeup looks. He wasn't like Frank, who had all the energy he ever needed without any help - just pure unpredictable excitement. 

"There's plenty more where that came from too" Bert spoke about drugs like a normal person would talk about the weather - completely oblivious to who was around or listening. Gerard admired that about him though: he just didn't give one solitary fuck what anyone else thought. 

By this point they were at the coffee station and Gerard was pouring himself a cup, caffeine just another one of the many addictions he seemed to harbour. It only ever used to be coffee, but then he had discovered alcohol and the way it made him feel so free and alive. And well, if you think that's a good hit just wait till you try cocaine. 

"You gunna come watch our show tonight?" Gerard asked him without making eye contact. 

"Sure" Bert hummed, not too focused "I mean, gotta get the party started but I will definitely catch some of it. Wouldn't wanna miss hearing that beautiful voice now would I?" 

"Thanks" Gerard knew that was about as accurate an answer that he would get out of him. 

"Bert, we need you at soundcheck" one of the crew called, and Bert gave him a wink before sauntering away. 

"Hey Gee?" he turned to face his younger brother, who had moved nearer to him the instant Bert had gone. 

"Sup Mikes?"

"Be careful tonight, yeah? I know first nights always wild but -"

"It's all good" Gerard spoke before he could finish "I've got it all under control." Mikey didn't comment, or meet his eye for that matter. Gerard knew better than to try and press for any more than his quiet acceptance on the matter. The end of last tour had got a bit messy, and Mikey had been the one that often had to help him climb into his bunk when he couldn't see straight, so he knew it was a reasonable request for him to make. 

**

It was five minutes before they were due to go onstage, and Gerard was drunk. 

He really hadn't meant to drink so much, but Bert's idea of getting the party started had turned out to be a full blown affair of downing beers. They'd spent the last hour or so making out and getting intoxicated, and a good twenty minutes giggling on the floor at literally nothing. It was only when his manager, Brian, had banged on the door and told him he had twenty minutes to down some water and get his ass to the stage that he'd realised what the time was. 

"There you are!" Ray sighed as he stumbled into the backstage area. "You missed vocal warmup."

"Sorry" he grimaced "it's all good though, warmed up on the way." 

"On the way from The Used's tour bus by any chance?" Frank mumbled, but Gerard heard him loud and clear. He hadn't seen Frank since this morning - he'd disappeared when he first went back to their bus. That's when he'd got bored and headed over to Bert's. 

"Would that be a problem?" he couldn't help but feel anger bubble in him when his friend made his disapproval of Bert quite so obvious.

"No, only if it's impacting on our performance as a band" Frank glanced at his dishevelled appearance. Gerard had managed to put his usual eyeshadow on, but his hair and clothes were a mess. 

"Well you don't need to be sober to sing" Gerard tried to straighten out his red tie, which had been looking a little crumpled "besides, where have you been all day?"

"Writing guitar riffs actually" Frank quipped straight back. Gerard wanted to say more, but that's when the stage manager signalled for them to go on. It was probably for the best, as he could feel the tension building between them and he hated every second of it. 

Frank didn't need to be asked twice, picking up Pansy and storming out onto the stage to the screams of fans, Mikey, Ray and Bob following close behind. Gerard waited a moment and took a deep breath, trying to compose his hazy thoughts before he followed them out. He managed not to stumble, and by this point the opening to Give Em Hell Kid was so familiar it was like going on autopilot when he started to sing. There were a few moments here and there when he stumbled on words, but the fans didn't seem to care, too busy singing along. 

He made it through the song fine, and then they went straight into To The End. The first verse went fine, but when he got to the chorus he got a bit too confident and started to jump around. At this point he stumbled and landed on his knees, one hand going out to steady himself against an amp, the other holding his mic. 

He played it off, staying on his knees as he finished the chorus before jumping back up. He did glance over at Ray though, but he was busy playing his guitar and didn't meet his gaze.

When the song came to a close his band members took a breather. 

"You all look beautiful tonight" He called out to the crowd, earning an army of screams in response "especially the boys!" He glanced over at the side of stage, but he couldn't spot Bert there. Maybe he'd get here soon. 

"Boys, I wanna hear you sing this next one because it's all for you, it's called You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison" the crowd erupted just as the guitars kicked in, and he launched himself into the song with full force, letting the alcohol take over and throwing himself all over the stage as he sung. He could see Frank out the corner of his eye, thrashing around and climbing over amps.

He knew he probably shouldn't push it, but he headed over to his side of the stage. At first Frank didn't really seem to notice him, but Gerard got closer and closer, until he was leaning against Frank's side. He was a bit worried that Frank would let the atmosphere backstage follow them, but instead he took Gerard by surprise. In a flash he took one hand away from his guitar, pick still between his fingers, and grabbed Gerard roughly by the hair, pulling his head down so that their lips could meet. 

Gerard was aware of the crowd going batshit fucking crazy for it, and he knew how they fucking felt. It was like his whole body was exploding at every point they touched. Especially his lips. He could feel Frank's mouth move against his, the sweat from his body, his calloused fingers roughly holding him in place. It was electric, and over far too quickly as Frank then pulled away and spun back to his guitar. 

Gerard stumbled backwards and forgot a good line or two of the song, but the fans were singing along and seemed far more happy about the kiss they'd witnessed than the end of the song anyway. 

He knew he should probably make a joke before anyone saw the look on his face and realised he was far more into their stage gay than he'd ever admit. 

Sure, it had started out as a harmless and easy way to piss off any homophobes. But then he realised how much he looked forward to it at shows, always wondered if it would happen, longed for it even. The sparks he felt got more intense with every occurrence, far more so than he'd ever felt kissing Bert. 

It was stupid. It was acting. Frank probably didn't even think twice about it. 

"Now that's exactly what they do to boys like me in prison" he yelled into his mic, before they immediately launched into the next song and the moment was forgotten by the crowd. 

He turned and looked into the wings. Still no sign of Bert. Maybe that was for the best. He didn't really seem to mind the whole stage-gay-with-my-bandmates thing, but he was also quite good at reading Gerard, and Gerard was not good at hiding his emotions in those moments. 

The last thing he needed was for anyone to realise just how much he enjoyed it. 

**

The rest of the show went pretty well. Sure, Gerard stumbled a few times, both physically and over lyrics, but on the whole it was fine. He put everything he had into it, the crowd laughed at all his jokes and the rest of the guys didn't miss a single beat. If anyone noticed him slurring words now and again they didn't show it. 

"Great show guys" Brian grinned at them all as they left the stage. Gerard grabbed a bottle of water and downed it, glad to be out of the heat the stage lights gave off. The others were giving their guitars to the tech's.

"Thanks" Mikey grinned "it was pretty great for the first one of tour."

"Better than pretty great I'd say. You boys have got such good chemistry up there. And they go fucking mental when you start kissing each other or whatever that is" Brian chuckled, turning to Gerard and Frank. 

"Yeah" Frank brushed it off "it's a laugh."

"Gotta piss off the homophobes y'know" Gerard quickly mumbled in agreement and grabbed a beer from the nearby table. The others all grabbed one too, although he started gulping his significantly quicker than they were. 

Frank seemed on such a post-show adrenaline high that he wasn't being off with him anymore. If there was any way to cheer Frank up it was a good show, and he'd been amazing. Gerard always noticed how much passion he put into his performance, and trying to keep up could be exhausting. But they'd all been spot on tonight, and so grudges about how much he'd been drinking beforehand seemed pushed aside. 

"Where's the party then Gee?" Mikey asked. 

"This way I think" Gerard grinned, and they all followed him towards the back of the venue.

"Have fun guys!" Brian called after them. 

"We always do!" Bob yelled back at him. 

When they got outside the party was in full swing. It spilled out of The Used's tour bus and into the surrounding marquees and tents. It was mainly bands and crew, but there were definitely some groupies that had been let through too. They quickly pushed past these types, uninterested and instead heading into the main bus. People parted to let them through, and Gerard quickly turned his attention to finding Bert. 

"He must be round here somewhere" he sighed.

"I'm sure he'll show up" Frank shrugged beside him, seeming disinterested "he always does eventually."

"Yeah I guess."

"How come he didn't come watch our show?"

"He was here I guess" Gerard said as casually as he could. There was no way he was admitting to Frank that he'd asked Bert to come watch and he hadn't showed up. He didn't need another reason for Frank to dislike him. 

"Oh, right" Frank glanced around "well, his loss. You were great tonight."

"Thanks" Gerard smiled at him "so were you."

"I know."

"Cocky bastard" Gerard rolled his eyes and Frank giggled in an annoyingly adorable way. 

"Hey babe!" Bert yelled, walking into the room and bringing their conversation to an abrupt end. He was completely wasted. Gerard had started to sober up a bit during the show but one look at Bert and he knew he wanted whatever he was on. He still had his gift from earlier in his pocket, and all of a sudden he felt his fingers itching to try it. "How was your show?"

"It was great. Gerard was amazing" Frank butted in before he had chance to reply. 

"Of course he was" Bert grinned, giving Gerard a brief kiss.

"You should come watch next time" Frank pressed, and Gerard wasn't sure wether it was a good idea or not but part of him was definitely happy to hear Frank so blatantly calling out Bert's laziness. 

"And you should have some more beer" Bert laughed off his comment and instead handed Frank a bottle. Frank obviously decided it was time to leave it, so took a swig of his drink. 

"There's a lot of people here" Gerard changed topics. 

"Only gunna get bigger as we go" Bert glanced round the room "half of these won't last more than a few hours, but apparently there's a sick bar nearby that all those hardcore enough can head to when this dries up. You up for a big one Frank?"

"Maybe" Frank shrugged "I'll see how I go."

"You should join us" he put his hand on Gerard's shoulder "I can sort you out with some great shit if you want it."

"I'm good thanks" Frank looked at Gerard, then at Bert's hand on his shoulder, and finally glanced over at where Mikey and Ray were stood "I've gotta go ask Mikes something but I'll catch up with you guys in a bit."

"Okay" Gerard watched him go. Part of him wanted to follow, but then Bert was kissing his neck and whispering in his ear. 

"Wanna come to the back room and get high as a fucking kite?"

He nodded, letting Bert grab his hand and tow him away from his friends and into the back of the bus. He didn't look back, but if he did perhaps he would've seen Frank's gaze following him until he disappeared out of sight. 

*

"How do you feel?" Bert asked from somewhere next to him. 

"mmh" Gerard hummed. He was currently lying on the floor of the back room, staring at the ceiling. His vision was swimming, and the ceiling kind of looked like it was moving, but not like when they were on the road. More of a swirling sensation, like waves. 

"Good then?"

"Amazing" he held a hand up in front of him, his whole arm feeling kind of disconnected from his body, lighter somehow. He kinda wanted to dance, but he also really wanted to stare at the ceiling some more and think about the sea. 

"Hey" all of a sudden Bert's face was above his, blocking his view. His long hair fell down around them and his bloodshot eyes were staring into his, pupils blown just as Gerard was sure his own were. Bert leaned down and kissed him messily. It felt electric when they were this high, every nerve in his lips felt like they were on fire, every place where they touched kind of blended together into one body, one moment. 

He wasn't sure how long they were kissing for, but when they broke apart Bert started to giggle, and Gerard couldn't help but join in. 

"You're so pretty" Bert mused, running his fingers down the side of his face "stay here with me tonight?"

"Yeah" Gerard pulled himself into a sitting position as Bert moved off him and attempted to stand up, which took him a moment or two to find his balance. "Where are you going?"

"To party" Bert grinned. "We've gotta go make sure that lot know how to have fun" he held out a hand, which Gerard took and pulled him to his feet too "and then, when we're all so fucked we can't go on any longer, you and me can come back here and make sure we can't walk anymore either." He kissed him again before leading him out the back room and through the bunk area into the living area of the bus. 

There were still some people gathered around, but nobody he recognised. 

"Where is everyone?" He slurred, trying to focus on individual faces and wondering if he'd ever seen these people before. Were they band members? Or Crew? He couldn't concentrate on much. 

"Outside" Bert giggled, dragging him out the bus. Sure enough, there were plenty of people swarming in the tents that had been set up between tour buses. People were dancing, a lot were stood around drinking, and quite a few turned their heads when they saw Gerard and Bert stumbling around through the parking lot. 

"There you are!" one of Bert's bandmates called over. What was his name - was it Jeph? It took Gerard a moment to try and place him. "We're all gonna head to that bar we were talking about - it's called the Rattlesnake or something, are you coming?"

"Of course we are" Bert grinned "just had to be fashionably late." 

"Have you seen my brother?" Gerard looked around, knowing he would definitely recognise that face in an instant and yet was unable to find it. 

"The scrawny one with the glasses? I think he turned in early" the guy next to Jeph shrugged. 

"Yeah" Jeph nodded towards the My Chem tour bus "but I think you're other band mates were up for coming out to the bar - Bob and Frank that is, not sure about Toro."

"Your little brother clearly didn't get the partying genes then" Bert giggled "good job you're enough fun hey?"

"Something like that" Gerard stumbled as he was pulled towards the back gates of the venue "are we walking there?"

"It's only round the corner" someone replied, he wasn't sure who. Instead he focused on trying to walk with one foot in front of the other. He knew someone would bribe the bouncers to let him inside, but falling over would not be a good look either. 

It was a bit of a blur after that - Bert was singing something as he pulled him along, his band mates talking in front of them. Then he was being herded into some kinda seedy-looking bar, but the music playing seemed decent and a beer was being placed in front of him, so all in all be couldn't complain. 

"Gerard Way!" he turned to see a woman he didn't recognise approaching him "omg and Bert! Can I get a picture with you both?"

"Of course" he slurred, and placed an arm around her shoulders as her friend took the picture, trying to make his smile seem genuine and hoping his hair was hiding some of his eyes from view. 

The girl tried to talk to him a bit more after that, but he mumbled a thank you and let Bert take over, trying to wind her up by asking her which band she preferred. He didn't listen to her answer, instead looking round the now crowded bar and wondering if any of his bandmates were here.

"I need another bump" he sighed, and Bert chuckled.

"You sure about that baby? You seem pretty fucked to me."

"Not enough" he gave him a pleading look "come bathroom with me?"

"Alright then" Bert picked up his drink "but only a little one, otherwise you're gunna be fucking sick and I don't wanna see that shit."

Gerard just nodded and the two of them headed into the bathrooms, locking themselves in one of the stalls. 

"This is cosy" Bert giggled, taking out a credit card and making two little makeshift lines of whatever drug it was they were on tonight on the back of his hand. He did his own before holding it up to Gerard's face. He eagerly sniffed, feeling the almost immediate hit of pure dopamine in his brain. 

He felt like he was floating, and every tiny sensory thing he did was magnified. From the feeling of the cubical wall against his body, to the smell of piss and sick that radiated through the bathroom, to the way his hair felt against the back of his neck. 

"Lets go dance" he declared, and Bert quickly followed him out the cubical and onto the dance floor. There were a lot of people, and Gerard had no idea what song was playing but he also really didn't fucking care. He just enjoyed how Bert grabbed him as they jumped around. He felt like he had an endless amount of energy, and he wanted to move every single part of his body to the beat. 

When he felt this high, he never ever wanted to be sober again. It was like tasting heaven and then being expected to return back to purgatory and be okay with it. 

He threw his head back and looked up at the disco ball on the ceiling, instantly enthralled by the way is spun. He wasn't paying attention to anything else, and before he even knew it he suddenly wasn't looking up anymore, but rather at a sea of legs. 

For a moment he wasn't sure what was happening, but then he realised he must have fallen, because his knees ached and his palms stung. Around him bodies were still dancing, and he blinked a few times, trying to remember how to stand up. 

Then there were hands under his armpits, hauling him up. He reached out and a hand grabbed his, pulling him out of the crowd. It was all he could do to focus on his feet and try not to fall again. 

He stumbled as he was pulled into the smoking area, and fresh air hit him like a refreshing but harsh wave of reality. He looked up now that he'd stopped walking, expecting to see his boyfriend. 

"Come on" Frank sighed, still holding Gerard's hand, his other free hand around his friend's shoulders as he pulled him over to a bench "you need to sit down."

"Frankie" Gerard slurred "I didn't see you."

"Well it's a good job I saw you then I guess" Frank sat him down before he let go of his hand.

"What happened?"

"You fell over, and you couldn't get back up. Bob's gone to get you some water, just stay still for a minute yeah?"

"Couldn't remember" he mumbled, trying to focus on his friend's face, but the world was still spinning like the disco ball had been moments before "it's all moving Frank..."

"Here you go" Bob appeared, handing him a plastic cup filled with water "just sip it for a bit yeah?" He didn't listen and took a few big gulps, because holy shit water was incredible and he never ever wanted to take it for granted again. 

"He's too fucked to walk Bob" he heard Frank say. He sounded angry, was he angry at him? Gerard hoped not. 

"I reckon between us we can get him back to the bus" he heard Bob say back "I'm not taking care of McCracken though, he's still in there dancing."

"I know he is" now Frank really did sound angry "he can make his own way back, he's not our problem."

"Bert..." Gerard tried to get up, but Bob's hand was on his shoulder, keeping him still. 

"You can see him later" he ordered "right now you're coming home with me and Frank, okay?"

"M'kay."

"You lead us and I'll walk beside him and try and make sure he doesn't fall" Frank said, and then he felt Bob hauling him up to his feet, whilst Frank put an arm around his waist. "Come on Gee, you can lean on us, okay?"

"Thanks Frankie" He nodded, not feeling as good as he had been when he was dancing. Maybe his bed wasn't such a bad idea. 

They lead him out of the smoking area and back into the main street, luckily not having to go back through the bar to get out. Instead they started down the street, Bob now on one side of him, holding him by the arm, whilst Frank let him rest an arm around his shoulders, which were the perfect height to lean on. 

"Not far now" he heard him say, and he just nodded, vision still swimming. 

"I'm sorry" he managed to mumble as they pulled him into the venue, giving a nod to security. 

"Is he okay?" one of the crew asked. 

"He's fine" Bob answered sharply "but if any of the used, or any other bands for that matter, try to board our bus tonight then they're not allowed okay?"

"Sure thing."

"Good shout" Frank mumbled as they reached the steps to the bus "hey Gee, you up for getting up the steps?"

"Fuck it" he heard Bob say, and then the next thing he knew the ground disappeared from underneath him and he was being flung over Bob's shoulder. He gave a small yelp as Bob carried him up the steps and through to the bunk area. "You're gonna have to help a bit here Frank" he heard him say, and then he could feel a hand on the back of his head as Frank helped deposit him into his bunk, making sure he didn't whack it on the way. Gerard reached out and helped pull himself into the bed. 

"Thanks Bob" Frank said "I can take it from here if you wanna go to bed."

"Sure thing, just give me a shout if you need" Bob disappeared then, probably to go get his own glass of water. Frank jumped up onto the side of Gerard's bunk and leaned down over his friend.

"Hey Gee, I know you're tired but do you wanna lay on your side for me? In case you're sick in the night."

"Not gonna be sick" Gerard frowned "m'okay."

"Okay, but do it for me yeah? Otherwise I'm gonna have to sleep in here next to you to make sure, and that'll be cramped as hell."

"Might be nice" Gerard let out a little giggle "you're small anyway."

"I think that's the drugs talking" Frank leaned forward and pushed the hair out of Gerard's face, running his fingers through it as he did so. Even sober Gerard would've found that it felt amazing, so high Gerard never wanted it to end. "You might not feel sick now but you're going to feel rough in the morning."

"I don't want the morning."

"I'm afraid it can't be stopped" Frank chuckled.

"Yes it can" Gerard sighed, reaching down and trying to pull the covers over him. 

"What do you mean by that?"

"I've still got my clothes on" Gerard frowned, forgetting what they were talking about. 

"Okay, come here" Frank helped him get out of his shirt and Gerard managed to kick off his jeans. The minute he did so, Frank pulled the covers up over him. "You may not want the morning Gee, but we will all be here for you when it does come, okay?"

"Okay".

Frank said something else, but at this point Gerard had nodded off, out like a light. 

*

When he woke up the next day, Gerard became quickly aware of two things. The first was that he felt awful, his whole body aching from his churning stomach to his swimming head. The second was the reason he was awake, which was the sound of raised voices coming from the front of the bus.

"Just let me fucking see him" was that Bert? It sounded like him.

"No. He's asleep" that was definitely Frank. "Besides, if you wanted to see him maybe you should've actually looked after him last night."

"Well it's a bit hard to do that when you carried him away without even telling anyone you were taking him back here. How was I supposed to know you were leaving?"

"He was ill and you were busy dancing. I thought you'd be happy we took the responsibility and left you to party." Frank sounded really angry. Mind you, so did Bert. This was not good at all. The last thing Gerard had wanted was for them to fall out when they already disliked each other, and now he was way too hungover to go and intervene.

"Okay I think we could all do with calming down a bit here" Ray's voice this time, and thank fuck for that. Gerard knew if anyone could calm down this situation it would be him.

"Well maybe if I was allowed to see my fucking boyfriend-"

"Bert" he heard Ray sigh "as soon as Gerard wakes up I'm sure he'll want to come see you, and nobody is going to stop him okay? But until then me and Frank will keep an eye on him."

"Well I've got a whole bunch of interviews in a minute and then soundcheck so if I don't see him now I won't be able to for hours."

"To be honest he'll probably be riding out his comedown for most of that time anyway. And it's not like you can't call him, yeah?" Bob chimes in "but right now I think it's best you go back to your bus and leave us."

"Fine, but you better tell him I stopped by."

"Eventually" Frank muttered, but by that point Gerard heard the bus door slam shut, his boyfriend gone. He felt a bit relieved - he wasn't up for dealing with him right now. Not when his whole body felt like lead and his brain so depleted of happiness. Comedowns were the fucking worst. 

"Frank, you need to calm down with him" Ray sighed "there's no talking sense into him after all."

"You didn't see it Ray - he was so off his face he didn't even notice that Gerard was gone last night. Either than or he didn't care, and I don't know what's worse."

"I can imagine. But look, Gerard's going to be in a rough way today and the last thing he needs is for you and Bert to be at each other's throats."

"I guess" Frank sighed "did Mikey go to get those painkillers?"

"Yeah he should be back soon" Bob spoke up. 

"Okay, well I'm going to make a coffee. Anyone want one?" the thought of caffeine was enough to convince Gerard he should probably get up out of his bunk, and with great effort he heaved himself up into a sitting position. He blushed as he recalled a blurry memory of Frank helping him get out of his clothes the night before, and quickly pushed it away. Instead he reached down to the end of his bed and pulled on his skeleton onesie, hands shaking as he did so, and pushed his hair out of his face. 

He all but rolled out of the bunk and stumbled into the living area, where Ray and Bob were sat on the sofa and Frank was stood nearest to him, making the coffee. 

"Hey" was all he could think to say. He knew he needed to apologise, and thank them, but his energy levels were at an all time low "you er, making coffee?"

"Yeah, thought you'd need one" Frank gave him a small, sad smile "you er, just woken up?"

"Yeah" he lied, not wanting to admit he'd been eavesdropping "thanks for looking after me last night."

"Not a problem" he handed him a coffee. 

"You should know Bert did just swing by" Ray said "we told him to leave it though, because you were sleeping and all. He wasn't best pleased about it."

"Oh he'll be fine" Gerard shrugged "I'll talk to him later or something."

"It'll have to be later, because we've got soundcheck in an hour" Ray glanced at the clock on the wall. 

"No worries, I'll be ready" Gerard had to hold the coffee with both hands so that his shaking wasn't quite so obvious, but he definitely saw Frank glance at them anyway. Luckily, Mikey walked onto the bus before he had chance to comment on them. 

"For you" he handed the painkillers over to him "thought you might have a sore head this morning."

"Thanks Mikes" he placed them down on the side "sorry I didn't see you before you turned in last night. I lost track of the time-"

"It's fine" Mikey cut him off "I was pretty tired so I didn't stay long."

There were a million things he could've said to his bandmates in that moment, but Gerard was so drained, both emotionally and physically, that he just nodded and sat down on the sofa, curling up into the corner and sipping his coffee. Bob switched the TV on, and some stupid cartoon was playing. He pretended to watch it, but all he could think about was blurred memories from the night before.

He'd fucked up, yet again. Like he always did. At this point, what was the point in even trying not to? He'd let down his friends, his brother, like normal. At least he knew Bert wouldn't care. Bert didn't care about anything ever, and Gerard envied him for that. 

The others were tiptoeing round the subject, talking about pointless crap. He was only half listening. Frank disappeared out the back room to tune his guitar or something, and he didn't see him again until it came time to head to soundcheck. 

They were at a new venue now, and it only took a minute to walk from their bus into the venue and down to the stage. Gerard still had his onesie on, just wanting to get in and get it done with so he could go back to wallowing in his comedown. 

"It's like 1pm you know" Brian teased when he saw the state of him "someone clearly had a fun night."

"I'll get ready later" Gerard just shrugged, not in the mood to joke around. 

"Hangover's that bad then?" Brian just chuckled before heading off. He was managing all the bands on tour, so he hadn't really been around to see the full extend of Gerard's spiralling nights. Maybe if he had he wouldn't have joked about it. 

Soundcheck went quickly. Gerard tested his mic and ran through the first verse of ghost of you, and then it was just a case of standing around for another five minutes or so whilst the others finished up. The lighting guy was testing out the spotlights, and Gerard couldn't help but wince every time it landed on him. 

"Fucking hell that's bright" he cursed under his breath. 

"Here" Mikey passed him a pair of sunglasses that Gerard instantly recognised as his own "thought you might need these." Even though his little brother must have been disappointed in him, he'd still taken the time to pick them up. 

"Thanks Mikes" Gerard eagerly shoved them on, not caring what he currently looked like. 

"You going to be okay for tonight?"

"Of course" he gave his brother one of those reassuring smiles that he was always so good at giving "It's going to be great."

*

After soundcheck Gerard headed straight back to the bus, whilst the others seemed to go their separate ways. He was kind of looking forward to it just being him on the bus though, he could just wallow in his own self pity for a bit in peace, before he had to pull himself together for the show. 

However, this plan was ruined the minute he stepped onboard and was faced with Bert sat on the sofa, flicking through one of his comics. 

"Oh hey" Gerard smiled weakly "didn't know you'd be here."

"One of my interviews got cancelled so we got our soundcheck done early, came over here and waited for ya" he jumped up and kissed him roughly, but after a moment Gerard turned his head and broke the kiss, really not feeling in the mood. "What's wrong?" Bert frowned. 

"You left me last night" Gerard didn't meet his gaze. 

"You left me more like, nobody told me you were going" Bert placed his fingers under Gerard's chin and brought his gaze up so he had no choice but to look him in the eye "come on baby, don't let your asshole bandmates get in your head like that. We were having fun, and then you left without telling me, and they wouldn't even let me see you when I came round earlier."

"I guess so. They're not assholes though."

"Who cares?" Bert rolled his eyes "you look kinda shit by the way, it's a good job you're so pretty you pull it off."

"Thanks...?"

"What's with the attitude still? We've got this bus to ourselves and yet neither of us are naked right now, despite the fact you totally bailed on me last night" he winked. 

"I'm really not in the mood Bert" Gerard moved and sat down on the sofa "honestly, I just wanna cuddle and watch some shit TV and try and get rid of this hangover-comedown combination before the show tonight."

"We can cuddle anytime" Bert remarked, arms crossed "but fine, come stay in my bunk tonight though. And as for the show, just get back on the good shit before you go on and you'll be sorted."

"I might have to" Gerard's fingers itched a bit at the thought. 

"Well just don't get so fucked that Iero and Bryar lock you up in here again like some sort of patient, okay?" Bert turned then and started heading towards the door. 

"Where are you going? Aren't you gonna stay here for a bit?"

"Nah, I've got shit to do, but I'll see you after the show" and with that he was gone. Gerard felt a whole new wave of sadness come crashing over him. He'd only come over for sex. And when Gerard had refused, he was off like a shot. Why was he surprised? Was it really such a shock that that was the only thing that kept people interested in him?

He was spiralling and he knew it, and yet he couldn't help it. He shuffled down to his bunk and reached into his jeans pocket, knowing exactly what he needed to bring him back up to the euphoria he'd felt the night before. 

*

When he turned up for the show, he was high as a fucking kite. The comedown was mixing with the high though, and his whole body was shaking, hopefully not enough that his bandmates, or anyone in the crowd, would pay too much attention. The Used had just performed, so if Bert had just got away with being high hopefully he would too. A part of him didn't really care anymore. 

"Hey" Ray smiled "you feeling okay now?"

Gerard was still wearing his sunglasses, but had put his stage costume on and tried to style his hair a bit (and failed). 

"Fucking amazing" he tried to stand still, but he couldn't, he was all jittery and couldn't stop fidgeting. His hands frantically scratched at his sides and then he tried running one through his hair in an attempt to try and seem more sober. It definitely wasn't working. 

"Are you high?" the anger in Frank's voice was almost painful for him to hear, but there was no denying it.

"A little. I'm fine. I'm ready for the show" he was speaking way too fast. 

"For fucks sake" Frank shook his head "that was the last thing you needed Gerard. What the hell are you doing to yourself?"

"We don't have time to bicker right now" Bob interjected "we're on in two minutes."

"Everything's fine Bob" Gerard shrugged.

"No, it's not" Frank persisted "but I guess it has to be for the show. We owe the fans that much."

He turned his back to Gerard, and no amount of drugs could numb how much that hurt. Like ice to his chest, sharp and cold. 

"Frank-"

"Leave it Gee" Mikey muttered "he's right, we need to talk about it, but now is not the time to."

"We don't need to talk about anything, I'm old enough to know what I'm doing. The show will be better this way, okay?"

"For you maybe" Mikey sighed. 

"What's that supposed to mean?" He didn't get a reply before his bandmates were all marching onstage ahead of him, and for a moment he held back, waiting for his cue. There was a moment were he debated just fucking off, but he knew he could never do that. 

Instead he headed out to the screams and the cheers, and immediately launched into the first song as custom. His voice was definitely wavering in places, but as the first few songs got underway he seemed to get a hold of it. 

The crowd were certainly loving him - he couldn't stop moving around, jumping and dancing and screaming, getting bored of lyrics and changing up the way he sang them on the spot. It was all good. Until the last few songs. 

That's when he realised he'd peaked, and was starting to come down. His hands started to shake so violently that he dropped the mic during the first verse of I'm Not Okay, but he quickly managed to grab it with both hands, and closed his eyes, just concentrating on getting the right words out. Ray seemed to pick up on his dip, because he started to sing into his own mic, joining him so that the chorus became a duet of sorts. Gerard shot him a grateful look, and Ray just gave him a small smile as he sung. 

He pulled himself to his feet and turned to see Frank thrashing around beside him. He hadn't dared venture over to his side to the stage, and Frank had barely interacted with him at all. He was therefore pretty surprised when he turned and grabbed the mic out of Gerard's hands and screamed his "trust me" line into that instead of using his own. Then he roughly shoved the mic back into Gerard's hand, and for a moment their eyes met. He couldn't tell what emotion was behind Frank's eyes. It wasn't anger, it was sadder than that. Before he could try and decipher it anymore he'd turned back to his guitar, and Gerard had to focus back on the job at hand. 

When the song finished, he knew he had to say some sort of goodbye to the crowd. 

"Thank you, we've been My Chemical Romance" he yelled, his voice cracking "and we fucking love every single one of you."

It was the second they got off stage that Frank put down his guitar and turned, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow at Gerard. They were in the wings of the stage, everyone else was filing out around them. The others kept walking, but something about the way Frank was looking at him made Gerard hold back. 

"What the hell was that at the end? You were a mess."

"I know the ending was a bit fucked up okay but-"

"No, no buts" Frank shook his head "I told you yesterday, you wanting to get drunk or high or both all the fucking time can't affect our performance as a band and it is. Every day you hang out with Bert it gets worse, and now you're dropping mics and forgetting words."

"It was once, it happens, you knock Bob's drums over all the time."

"That's different."

"How?"

"Because I'm not some fucking drug addict. I actually know what I'm doing!"

"Yeah well we can't all be as amazing as you" Gerard rolled his eyes, his shades now resting on top of his head now that he was out of the stage lights. 

"You're going to kill yourself at this pace Gerard" Frank grabbed him by the shoulders "do you not see what this is doing to you mentally? And physically! Do you remember our conversation last night? You told me you didn't want the morning to come. What the hell did you mean by that?"

"I don't fucking care anymore, okay? I'm sorry" Gerard's voice wobbled, and he felt Frank's grip on his shoulders tighten "I wish I did. I wish I was like you, and I could perform like you do, and be confident like you are, and not be fucked up and a mess, but I've tried so fucking hard and I've given up."

"Don't say that" Frank's tone was more scared than angry now "don't ever say that. How can you not see how fucking great you are? You don't need any of that shit you snort Gerard, that's why it's so fucking frustrating to watch. You can't just give up, I'm not going to let you do this to yourself."

"You're wasting your time" Gerard knew he was on the verge of crying. He started to feel a tear fall, but before it could Frank's thumb was there, wiping it away. He left his hand resting on his face, and Gerard was suddenly very aware of just how close they were stood. Frank seemed to realise to, because he took a sharp intake of breath. 

"Don't do this again" was all he mumbled before his hand was gone and he was pulling away, the moment gone in an instant. "You need to sort this out Gee. Before it gets any worse. We can get you help-"

"I know" Gerard just mumbled, looking away. 

"I've gotta go call Luke"Frank sighed "you coming back to the bus?" the mention of his boyfriend's name seemed to snap something in Gerard. Whatever vulnerability he'd been feeling in that moment, when Frank's face had been so close to his and yet so irritatingly far, was gone, replaced with an undeniable jealousy. He should've remembered he was never going to be Frank's priority - Luke was. Frank was just being a good friend, but now he had so many emotions and no idea how to deal with them. 

"I think I'm going to go find Bert" he shrugged "I haven't seen him, I need to, we need to talk."

"Oh, okay" Frank grimaced "well, you know where we are if you need us." 

He turned and started to walk away, and for a moment he stopped and looked back at Gerard, and for a moment Gerard held his breath, wondering what he was about to say, but then he must have changed his mind because he headed out, phone in hand. 

Gerard sighed and shakily made his way to the Used tour bus, trying and failing to stop thinking about that stupid, stupid moment. 

*

When Gerard woke up the next morning he realised he wasn't in his own bunk. He turned in the cramped space and saw Bert sleeping beside him, an arm resting over his waist. His breath stank of beer and cigarettes, although Gerard was sure his wasn't exactly fresh either. 

After his conversation with Frank after the show (was it an argument or a heart to heart? Gerard still couldn't figure it out) he'd headed straight to Bert's bus. They'd had a few beers and gone to bed. Gerard was pretty sure they'd had sex, but the memories blurred, just how he liked it. That was the great thing about Bert - it didn't matter what he remembered, because neither of them really cared. In fact, he was pretty sure they'd never slept together sober. It was always a messy, drunken affair. 

He sighed, and closed his eyes again for a moment, realising that the bus was stationary, so they must have reached the next venue. His head still pounded, but the shakes weren't so bad today. He fumbled around for his phone, and eventually found it down the side of the bed. It was just a shitty old flip one, but it could tell him the time and send texts and to be fair he hardly ever used it - all his friends tended to be in the bunks next to him anyway. 

It told him it was midday, and he had one text from Mikey. 

Bus call said you were already on The Used's bus so we'll see you for soundcheck tomorrow. Hope you're okay x

He fired off a quick reply reassuring his brother he was fine and would see him in a minute. Bert was still passed out, and Gerard had no real urge to wake him, so he pulled on his jeans and jumped down from the bunk, grabbing one of Bert's t-shirts so that he wouldn't have to put his stage gear back on. It was a basic Metallica oversized t-shirt that he quite liked. Maybe if Bert didn't notice it was missing he'd hang on to it. 

Some of Bert's bandmates were in the living area, but he just mumbled a hello and carried on past them, eager to get back to his own bus and have a shower. 

He jumped down into the unfamiliar parking lot, wandering around past various crew members and venue staff until he finally found his own bus and eagerly headed straight for the kitchen area, coffee the only thing on his mind. 

As soon as he started to make his coffee Mikey emerged from the back of the bus, comic in hand and yawning. 

"I heard the coffee machine and thought it might be you" he said, leaning against the doorway. 

"You know me too well" Gerard smiled at him. 

"You okay? Frank said you'd gone to talk to Bert or something last night, but he seemed pretty off with everyone and he went straight to bed."

"Oh yeah, I'm fine" Gerard shrugged, not wanting to admit that he hadn't really talked with Bert at all "what do you mean, Frank was off with everyone?"

"Well he phoned Luke but he didn't stay on the phone long, maybe a few minutes, sounded like he was being a bit snappy with him y'know? And when we asked if you were coming back on our bus or staying on Bert's he was pretty moody and said he was going to bed." Mikey moved past him to sit down, whilst Gerard thought over his words. He couldn't help but be a little happy that Frank had spent longer talking to him after the show than Luke, as selfish as it was. 

"Oh right, where is he now?"

"I think he went out for a walk or something, probably clearing his head. You should try it too" Mikey mused "I mean, if you want to. You have a lot going on at the moment and I know Bert is stressful and Frank was mad at you for yesterday, and well" he paused and met his elder brother's eyes "I'm worried about you too, to be honest."

"I know you are Mikes" Gerard sighed "and i'm sorry. I'm supposed to be the one looking after you but it's always the other way round these days."

"I don't mind looking after you Gee."

"That makes it worse, because I know that too and I rely on you too much. I'm sorry for being such a fuck up, especially for yesterday" Gerard sat down next to him, and Mikey gave him a hug before he spoke again. 

"I know you're sorry Gee. But I think we both know that it's still going to happen again. I'm not going to tell you what to do but you should know that we're all a bit scared at the moment about how far this is going to go before you hurt yourself."

"I'm okay, honestly Mikes. I won't let it come to that" Gerard was lying through his teeth, but the last thing he wanted to do was tell his brother exactly how fucked up in the head he was currently feeling. His motivation was dwindling, along with his resistance. But he needed to be strong for Mikey, he'd always been strong for him. 

*

Once he'd finished his coffee and had a shower Gerard decided to take his brother's advice, grabbing his sketchbook and heading out. The fresh air definitely did him some good, and he found a back exit to the parking lot that meant he didn't have to exit out the front of the venue. It wasn't that he didn't want to go meet fans that were hanging around, perhaps he'd go back that way, but right now he knew he needed some time alone. 

The problem with touring was that they only ever really saw city centres, never the countryside or anywhere particularly pretty. So he had to walk for a good fifteen minutes or so before he found a decent park, sitting down on one of the benches. It was kind of cold, but he didn't really mind. Instead he started sketching and drawing, made up characters at first but then people he knew too. He drew Mikey, deciding if it turned out well he would give it to him later. Then he found himself doing some quick sketches of Frank. Mainly him playing guitar, in the moments where he went wild and would throw himself on the floor or jump off an amp, anything reckless really. 

He really was a lot of fun to draw. Gerard didn't think he'd show him though. He liked the drawings, but wanted to keep them to himself. He wasn't completely sure why he felt shy about them, maybe the level of detail he could recall when it came to his friend - his tattoo's, his expressions, his mannerisms - all of which he could easily access in his memory.

He sighed, closing his sketchbook and lighting up a cigarette. The park was pretty empty, so he leaned back on the bench and looked up at the trees, a single bird crossing the sky. 

He could feel his hands starting to itch, wanting another hit of something, anything to help him feel a little less like himself. 

Being outside and drawing had helped, but now he could feel darker thoughts starting to seep into his mind, telling him how he was a disappointment to everyone, even his own brother, how he would never be the person he so desperately pretended to be. 

He tried to push through it, getting up and starting to walk back in the general direction of the venue. He stopped for coffee on the way, figuring it could help distract him for a bit. Soundcheck would be soon, and he didn't want to be late. 

Sure enough, when he got back to the venue he ran into Ray leaving the bus.

"I was just about to call you" he smiled "soundcheck is in a few minutes."

"It's all good" Gerard sipped his coffee and followed him into the venue "just had to go get coffee, y'know me."

"That's where I assumed you'd be" Ray chuckled as they weaved through various corridors and past dressing rooms. "I've actually been working on some new riffs I wanna show you later if you're free."

"Sounds good" they reached the stage and Ray busied himself with his guitar. Mikey, Bob and Frank were already onstage, tuning their own instruments. He gave his brother a nod as he walked out and picked up the mic. "Hey" he said in Frank's direction, his voice quieter and less confident than he would normally be round his best friend. 

Frank's head snapped up and he gave him a soft smile. 

"Hey Gee" he turned to face him, guitar slung over his shoulder "you feeling okay today?"

"Yeah, thanks" Gerard just nodded, and Frank seemed to buy it "what do you wanna run through today?"

"Why don't we do an old one? Early sunsets over Monroeville?" he smiled at that, they'd started playing that when they did encores, and he knew it was one of Frank's favourites. 

"That sounds perfect." 

*

After soundcheck Mikey, Ray and Bob all disappeared on their own errands, leaving Gerard and Frank to walk back to the bus together. They didn't say much till they got back to the bus, but it wasn't really an awkward silence. They'd spent far too much time together over the years for it to ever be awkward. 

"Hey Frank?" He spoke as soon as they got back to the bus.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. For last night. Sorry for getting a bit weird on you, I wasn't feeling my best and you were right.."

"Hey" Frank placed a hand on his arm "it's what I'm here for, okay? You need to talk to someone when you're feeling low, and I'm more than happy to be that person. But I do stand by what I said, you need to take better care of yourself. And I'm not going to pretend like I like Bert anymore, because the thing is I don't. Not one bit, and I trust my gut on these things."

"Okay" Gerard just nodded, but Frank kept talking. 

"I know that's shitty, but it's hard. I want to be supportive of your decision to be with him because you're my best friend, but then I also know when you deserve to be treated better."

"It's fine Frankie, really" Gerard sighed "if I didn't like how Luke treated you, I'd say something too."

"I know you would" Frank smiled and crossed his arms "that's why I don't get why you put up with that crap from him."

"I dunno" Gerard shrugged "he's alright really. He doesn't always say it, but he does care really. It's complicated. I guess we can't all have a relationship as perfect as yours" he said it light-heartedly, with a small laugh at the end, but Frank didn't smile in response. 

"Mine is far from perfect Gee" he just sighed. 

"Oh" Gerard faltered, unsure where to go from there "sorry to assume, I guess."

"Nah, it's fine" Frank sat down on the sofa, leaving Gerard leaning against the counter "just one of those things. Long distance doesn't exactly have the best track record, and me and Luke, well, we're very different people. Sometimes I just don't think we click, y'know? But hey, maybe I'm just overthinking."

"Maybe" Gerard nodded "you deserve to be happy."

"So do you."

They held eye contact for a moment, neither really sure what to say next or exactly where to go from there. The air felt heavy from all the thoughts racing through their heads that they weren't voicing, but Gerard knew that expressing that twinge of happiness he'd felt hearing Frank's relationship wasn't perfect was nothing but petty. 

He wished he could take Frank's advice, or believe him when he said he deserved to be happy, but he was so fucking tired of trying to be happy all the time that right then he couldn't fight against it alone anymore. 

So instead he mumbled something about taking a nap and headed into the back of the bus, hoping when he woke up his cravings might have passed, but knowing deep down they'd only be worse. 

*

Gerard was drunk for the show that night, but he wasn't on any drugs, so all in all it was a marked improvement than usual. He sung more coherently, and the band felt more unified in their performance. Sure, his pants fell down a bit at one point and he did stumble over an amp, but all in all he didn't really miss a note. 

And best of all, Frank was back to their normal interactions. During I'm Not Okay, Frank stood up on an amp and leaned against him whilst he played, and Gerard happily leaned into it, playing with Frank's hair. Then, instead of yelling his 'trust me' line, Frank grabbed him by the neck and kissed him. It only could've lasted a few seconds, but it felt like longer and yet over too fast for Gerard's liking. One moment Frank's mouth was against his, and the next he had flung himself back across the stage and was on the floor, playing his heart out. He never stuck around to make eye contact afterwards, but Gerard was kind of relieved about that because he knew he was probably pulling a dumbstruck expression. 

He'd seen Bert briefly earlier and he'd said he couldn't make the show that night - something about an interview he was doing, so he figured he'd go find him afterwards. 

"I think we're all gonna go have a beer at one of the nearby bars" Frank had suggested when they got offstage "if you wanna join us."

"I've gotta go swing by Bert's bus but I'll catch up with you guys later" Gerard nodded, still tipsy but in control of himself for once. 

"Okay, just give me a ring if you need me" Frank nodded before heading off with the others, leaving Gerard to amble over to the Used's tour bus alone, still high on adrenaline from the show. The cool night air was refreshing against his sweaty skin, and he pushed his hair back, shrugging off his stage jacket and just wearing his shirt and red tie, which he loosened. 

He didn't bother knocking, he just hopped onto the tour bus without much thought, and was surprised to see nobody in the living area. Maybe they'd all gone out for drinks too. There was some sort of muffled noise coming from the back of the bus though, so he made his way down past the bunks and opened the door to the back room without much thought. He figured Bert must have wrapped up his interview by now, and was probably getting his own party started in the back room. 

He'd expected to walk in on Bert maybe getting high, or drunk, or somewhere between the two, but he certainly hadn't expected to walk in on him receiving a blow job from some random reporter-looking dude with short blonde hair. He was vaguely aware of the lines of coke on the table and the reporter's notes that had been abandoned at their feet, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the scene on the sofa, on his sort-of-boyfriend's face as he gasped and moaned and grabbed fistfuls of the guy's blonde hair. 

They didn't even see him for a moment, so they must have been fucking high, and when Bert blinked a few times, obviously trying to focus his gaze, he eventually saw Gerard frozen in the doorway, the horror evident on both their faces as they took each other in. 

"Gee, baby" Bert immediately shoved the guy away and tried to pull up his jeans, fumbling messily with the zipper. The guy just looked confusedly between the two of them before seeming to recognise Gerard "I thought you - your show - I -"

"The show finished" Gerard had to concentrate on not letting his voice crack, but it was so fucking hard not to cry right now. He bit the inside of his cheek and balled his fists, trying to blink back the tears "but I guess you have better things to do than come watch it, huh?"

"No no it's not like that" Bert stood up and stumbled over to him, grabbing him desperately by the hand "it was an interview, I promise, we just got so fucking high and one thing lead to another, I know I fucked up-"

"Yeah, you did" Gerard spat before turning to the journalist who was frantically trying to gather his notes from the floor "great journalism. Real professional of you."

"Hey man I'm sorry-" he started, but Gerard cut him off, anger making him shake as he tore his hand away from Bert. 

"It's fine, you know what, you guys fucking carry on. Fuck him for all I care" he spat the last part at Bert.

"No, babe, please" Bert's eyes went wide "you don't mean that, I know you don't. It was a stupid mistake, he's nothing. You're all I want."

"Looks like it."

"You are, please stay, we can work this out" he reached out and tried to cup his face, but Gerard jerked away, backing out of the room now. 

"I can't..." he tried to find words but they failed him, so instead he just turned and ran out of the bus, into the cold. His head and heart both hurt. The one person he thought could maybe love him didn't love him at all, he just wanted sex and he didn't care who he got it from. The nearest guy would clearly do for him. 

He ran back through the venue, knowing exactly who he was looking for. One of the stage crew was Bert's dealer on the road, he'd seen him buying off him before. It didn't even take him long to find him - he was loading up some of the Used's instruments into their trailer. 

"Oh, hey Gerard" he nodded "you not with Bert tonight?"

"No" Gerard was vaguely aware of tears running down his face, but pressed on "It's Mike, right?"

"Yeah, what's up man?"

"I need something, anything" he rambled "anything to make me stop feeling. Pills, powder, I don't care. Just please sort me out."

"hey dude, chill for a sec yeah?" Mike put down the box he'd been carrying and reached into his jacket pocket "I've got some pills if that's what you want, they'll cost you forty bucks but they're worth it man."

Gerard handed over the money without a second though and grabbed the bag. "How many will I need?"

"Just one" Mike frowned "don't do anymore than that or you'll be in trouble, okay?" Gerard nodded. "Okay, well be careful dude, they won't help you to forget, but they will make you feel great for a few hours."

Gerard stuffed them in his pocket and headed out. He knew the pills would be good, but that they'd also take a while to set in, and he needed more instant relief than that. He's save the pills for tomorrow maybe, when he would need to be happy for the shows. But right now he needed alcohol, and he needed it fast. 

*

Gerard had ended up back on the bus with a bottle of vodka and no mixer. He was just taking shot after shot of it neat from the bottle. It tasted awful, but he kind of liked that. He wanted it to taste bad, he wanted to feel every flinch and gag, anything to take his mind off the image burned into his brain of Bert and the blonde guy. 

The others were still out at the bar, and he was very glad of it. Nobody needed to see him like this. He was a mess, and he wanted to wallow in it. 

He couldn't even remember how much he'd drank, but when he went to stand up he immediately fell back down again on the floor, and ended up half crawling, half stumbling out of the bus, needing the fresh air desperately. 

It was a cold evening, but the alcohol meant he felt numb to it. He felt numb to everything, just how he liked it. 

He wasn't too sure where he was going - to find the guys maybe, or anything that would distract him from his thoughts that were all blurring together at a pace too fast for his brain to keep up. He wanted to scream, and cry, and laugh at how stupid it all was, but instead he just fell in a heap on the ground in front of the bus and rolled onto his back, looking up at the stars. 

The floor felt kind of comfortable, despite it being tarmac, and he let his eyes roll closed, bottle of vodka lying beside him. He knew he should go back on the bus, or get up and go find the others, but it all just seemed like far too much effort. He'd just lay here for a minute and rest his eyes, and then he'd get up and go. Or at least, that's what he told himself and he passed out, his eyes now too heavy to prise open. 

*

"Gee? Gerard?" He became vaguely aware of a voice breaking through his dreamless sleep, was that Mikey? Where was he? He was cold, wherever he was. Then, the voice grew louder "guys! He's here."

"Shit" that was Ray "how long has he been out here for?"

"I don't know, but he's frozen" Mikey again. 

"Gerard?" Frank's voice sounded close, and he could feel a hand against his face "Gerard you need to wake up, you need to wake up now."

"mmmph" was all he managed, trying to shift and get comfortable but failing "m'okay."

"No you're not, idiot" that sounded like Bob. 

"Gerard, you're on the floor in the cold, what the hell - did you drink all of this yourself?" he managed to open his eyes and saw Frank was holding up what remained of the vodka bottle, looking horrified. 

"mmmh" he tried to sit up but just ended up falling back on the floor again, his whole stomach heaving "think I'm gonna puke."

He crawled towards the nearby bushes and threw up, aware of Frank to one side of him, rubbing circles in his back whilst Mikey was the other, holding him up. He gagged for a few more moments, but there was nothing more for him to throw up - he hadn't eaten for a long time so it was only liquid that he'd regurgitated. 

"Come on, let's get you inside" Frank sighed, and between the rest of them they managed to carry Gerard onto the bus and deposit him on the sofa, rolling him onto his side. 

"Make sure he doesn't sleep on his back" Ray sighed "although, I don't think he's got anything left to throw up."

"Here" Mikey was handing him a glass of water "you need to drink this, Gee."

He eagerly grabbed the water, hands numb from the cold, and managed to take a few big gulps, only now realising just how thirsty he was. 

"What the hell happened?" Frank perched beside where he lay on the sofa, and Gerard hated seeing how hurt he looked "you were going to come find us Gee, and then we saw Bert looking for you, and then we find you out there. Were you drinking alone in here all that time?"

"Don't wanna see Bert" Gerard mumbled "don't let him, please Frankie."

"Hey, hey it's okay" Frank pushed his hair out of his face "I won't let him anywhere near you okay?"

"Thanks."

"Did something happened between you? Did he hurt you Gee?" Frank pressed. Ray and Bob had disappeared, so it was just them and Mikey in the room now. 

"He doesn't love me" Gerard mumbled "nobody does."

"Not true at all" Mikey frowned "we love you."

"I'll never be enough" Gerard continued to mumble "wasn't enough for him. He... he..." 

"What are you trying to say Gee?" Frank took his hand in his own and rubbed circles on it with his thumb. It was just a small, sweet action of comfort, but it definitely helped Gerard to breathe again, relaxing into his touch and trying to collect his words. 

"He cheated."Saying the words aloud made it hurt all over again. 

"Cunt" was all Frank growled, whilst Mikey just looked sadly down at his big brother, lying broken and tear stained and trying to hide how much it hurt him to see him like that. "I knew he'd do something like this, I didn't trust him for one minute."

"He didn't deserve you Gee" his little brother sighed "you can't think he did, you just can't."

"People get tired of me" Gerard sighed and drank some more water, head still spinning. 

"Not us" Frank was still holding his hand "never us."

Gerard was too tried to argue any more, or think anymore about the hurt in his chest, so he just mumbled something about being tired, and felt a blanket being draped over him. Mikey was saying something about leaving him to sleep on the sofa, so that they could keep an eye on him, but at this point Gerard was warm enough that sleep rolled over him like a wave, dragging him under with ease. 

*

Gerard woke up the next day with the mother of all headaches. His whole head was pounding, his vision swimming and the taste of vomit in his mouth. All in all, he felt like utter shit. And that was before he remembered his boyfriend cheating on him and his bandmates finding him passed out on the tarmac outside the bus. 

He rolled onto his back, which ached from sleeping awkwardly on the sofa. At least he hadn't been sick again.

Thank god today was a day off. They'd been playing shows every night for almost a week now, and as much as he looked forward to them he knew he needed a day of resting up. Especially with the hangover from hell that was definitely not going to lift for hours and hours to come. Not that he really expected anything else - you can't drinking that much vodka and not feel the repercussions the next day. 

It also meant less chance of having to bump into Bert on his way to soundcheck. Maybe he'd just stay on the bus all day and hide from the world. That seemed like a pretty good plan.

"Hey" he jumped a little, turning to see Frank stood in the doorway. 

"Oh, hey" he made a brief attempt to try and tame his hair by running his fingers through it, but quickly abandoned it.

"How are you feeling?" Frank sat down on the end of the sofa, next to his legs.

"Oh, you know" Gerard grimaced "kinda like I've been hit by a truck. And then run over. Repeatedly."

"At least we found you out there, you'd been feeling a hell of a lot worse if you'd stayed passed out on the ground. You'd probably have caught fucking pneumonia or something" Frank frowned, but he didn't seem cross with him. At least that's something Gerard thought. There was no way he was in the headspace to be dealing with his best friend being mad at him on top of everything else. 

"Yeah, I owe you guys one."

"You don't owe us anything Gee" Frank sighed "you should've called us the minute you found out about Bert. You know I would've come back here in an instant, and kicked his ass whilst I was at it."

"I know" he smiled a little at the thought "I guess I just wasn't thinking straight. I kind of didn't want to though, you know? It all happened so quick, walking in on Bert, and then the vodka..."

"You walked in on him?"

"Yeah, him and the reporter that was sucking him off" Gerard bit the inside of his mouth a little, trying to hold back the fresh wave of hurt and betrayal that had appeared when he began thinking about it again.

"Shit Gee, I'm so sorry, what a fucking dick" Frank surprised him then by scooting closer up the sofa so he was lying next to him, and pulled him in for a hug. Gerard happily leaned his head against his shoulder, a tattooed arm around his own, and let out a long shaky breath. 

"I just don't know what to do now" he admitted in a small voice "I mean, we've got the whole rest of tour. I'm going to have to see him and speak to him, but I feel like I'd just burst into tears."

"You don't have to talk to him if you don't want to. I can tell him to fuck off no problem. I'll tell him every day if I have to."

"Thanks Frankie."

"Any time. I mean it too, you're not alone in this" they were quiet for a moment, both just leaning against each other. It was weird, but it was genuinely making Gerard feel better, like he couldn't concentrate on his headache so much when all his attention was on the places where Frank's skin was touching his. 

"At least we have a day off today" he eventually mumbled. He would have happily just stayed curled up like that all day, but Frank seemed to have other ideas. 

"Very true" he hummed "we should do something. To take your mind off all this crap, y'know? Something fun!"

"Like what? In case you haven't noticed, I'm hungover as hell and not exactly the best of company at the moment."

"Exactly! You need cheering up!" Frank jumped up from the sofa, leaving a warm spot where he had once been. Gerard resisted the urge to pull him back, and instead raised an eyebrow. Frank continued anyway; "there's plenty of fun things we could do to help cure your hangover! Come on - I'll make you a coffee whilst you go take a shower, and then when you're feeling a bit more alive we'll head out!"

Something told Gerard that he wasn't going to take no for an answer, so with a sigh he hauled himself off the sofa and went in search of a towel. 

*

He had to admit, finally washing his hair and putting on a clean set of clothes had helped, as did the coffee he all but downed.

"See?" Frank had all but grinned "much better already! Now come on!"

And that was how he had ended up sat in a cute hippy-looking restaurant opposite Frank, both of them eating veggie burgers and fries and drinking diet soda like there was no tomorrow. 

"This tastes incredible" he all but moaned through a mouthful, causing Frank to giggle. 

"I told you man, veggie burgers are the way forward! And nothing beats it when you're hanging!" 

Gerard couldn't help but notice how beautiful Frank looked sat in the window seat, sunlight streaming onto him as he messily shovelled fries into his mouth and grinned over at him with so much pride. 

"You were so right, I'm never doubting you again."

"Rightly so. I'm always right. Sooner you learn that, the better" as he spoke his phone started to buzz, and he briefly took it out his pocket to check, but then silenced it and shoved it away again.

"You can take the call, I don't mind" Gerard reassured him, knowing it was probably Luke. 

"Nah it's fine" Frank shrugged "it's just Luke, I'll call him back later. Cheering you up is the main priority today." Gerard couldn't help but feel happy when he heard that, even though it was selfish. Frank could be so good at reading him sometimes, and right now being treated as someone else's priority was exactly the confidence boost he needed.

"Thanks Frankie, that means a lot."

"Of course. Now, what do you wanna do after this? We could go find a comic book store - I've got a feeling we passed one on the way here, and they always cheer you up. Or we could do something else?"

"Comics sound perfect" he grinned sloppily, finishing his burger. 

It didn't take them long to pay and head back down the street they had walked up. They didn't actually bump into any fans either as there was no concert on that night, and therefore no streams of fans queuing up outside their new venue just yet. The next day would be a different story altogether, and if they tried to head out they would probably be stopped several times on their way down the street. 

They soon found the comic store in question, and Gerard eagerly hunted the shelves, finding some good buys and recommending various ones to Frank to. They were probably in there for a good twenty minutes before he finally decided on which ones to get. 

"This is actually turning into the best day I've had for a long time" he grinned over the stack of comics in his arms "and to think I was gonna spend it wallowing in my bunk."

"Told ya I'd cheer you up" Frank chuckled, watching as the store assistant started to pack them into a bag before he handed over some notes "here, I'm getting these."

"You don't have to do that!" Gerard tried to protest, eyes wide, but Frank was having none of it. 

"Yes I do, I want to buy you comics and cheer you up so you better let me" the assistant handed him his change, and Gerard regretted just how many he'd bought now that he hadn't had to pay for any of them. 

"Okay, now it's the best day ever" Gerard giggled as he took the bag and they headed out the shop, making their way back to the venue "only problem now is going back to reality."

"Hey" Frank gave him a playful nudge as they walked "it'll be fine. You know me and the guys have your back, and if you just wanna hibernate on the bus tonight then that's exactly what we'll do."

"You're the best."

"I know."

Gerard laughed and rolled his eyes at how arrogant his best friend could be, following him past security and eventually onto their tour bus. His eyes scanned the car park as they walked to it, but luckily not too many people were around, so they climbed onto their makeshift home without any fuss. 

"There you guys are" Ray smiled at them "we were just wondering where you got to."

"We went for food and comics" Gerard held up the bag, which Mikey immediately took and started to rummage through. 

"Woah Gee, there are some nice ones here! Lemme know when you're done reading them!"

"Frank bought them, so thank him" Gerard nodded over to Frank, and Mikey immediately launched into conversation with him about his new buys. Nobody mentioned the night before or Bert, maybe Frank had text them or something, he wouldn't put it past him. Instead they chatted about comics, new material and what the plans for the evening were. 

"What do you fancy doing Gee?" Mikey asked.

"Honestly not fussed. I might just watch some horror movies and try and get some decent sleep for once."

"I'm up for that" Frank nodded, and everyone else quickly agreed. 

"Movie nights and comic books, we really are rock stars" Bob chuckled, and they all had to laugh too. Gerard actually felt content for once, which was weird when he was still healing from the heartbreak and hangovers the night before had brought, but his bandmates were making everything seem so much more bearable. 

*

The next day was the first time Gerard woke up without a hangover in a long time. Instead he fuelled up on coffee and had a really good soundcheck with the guys, who all made sure he got in and out of the venue without bumping into any members of The Used. Then in the afternoon they had a few magazine interviews to do, so that kept him busy for a couple of hours.

When the last interviewer left Mikey had suggested they play video games, and so it was only around dinner time that the nerves for the show that night began to kick in.

He knew the chances of seeing Bert would be high, and that was combining with the pre-show nerves he normally got anyway. So he decided he'd have a couple of beers to try and silence them. Nobody said anything, even when the rest of the guys were still on their first can and he was on his third. He had a feeling they were trying to be careful round him, not wanting him to get upset again but also wanting to keep an eye on him.

About an hour before the show Brian climbed onto the bus, a pack of beers in hand and grinning.

"Hey guys!" He dumped the beers on the table and Gerard immediately took one, his nerves a little less but still not silenced enough for his liking "how are you all doing?"

"Good" Ray took a beer too "cheers Brian."

"Great! I just wanted to wish you guys a good show. The Used are killing it out there tonight - thought you'd be watching them" he turned his attention to Gerard, who tried to look anywhere but into Brian's eyes as he knew his hurt expression would only prompt further questions.

"I'm sure we'll see them some other time" Mikey answered before he had to "how are you anyway?" And just like that the conversation was diverted as Brian started talking about his own life updates. Gerard shot his brother a thankful look and downed the rest of his beer, eagerly taking another one without anyone noticing.

Brian was a good guy, and a great manager, but he didn't want to open up to him about such personal problems.

"Well anyway" he zoned back into the conversation as Brian continued to talk "there's a party after the show tonight at a record company executive's house not far from here, the label would really like everyone to be there, not that you lot need convincing!"

"Who else is going?" Frank asked.

"All the bands, all the crew, record label guests, all sorts really. It should be a fun one" Frank's eyes met Gerard's with a nervous expression, obviously thinking the same thing he was. The Used would definitely be there.

"We'll be there" Gerard nodded, knowing the rest of his band were waiting on his reply.

"Great, I'll catch you guys later then. Have a great show!"

The minute Brian left Frank turned to him again.

"We don't have to go, you know. Or we can go and tell everyone you're ill. We could say you were on vocal rest or something, nobody would argue with that."

"It's fine" Gerard waved it off "honestly. I've got to face him at some point, and it would be good for us to be there, you know what the label are like. These things are normally fun anyway - maybe they'll be some cool bands on the guest-list."

"Well if you change your mind just say" Ray smiled. 

*

The first half of their show was going great. Gerard was a good level of drunk where he was still in control of his movements, but also feeling good enough that he was moving around with his usual energy, yelling and moaning and occasionally coming out with some profound message that would no doubt be written on fans homemade t-shirts before long.

It was only when they got to Cemetery Drive that he noticed Frank wasn't looking out to the crowd, or even at his fellow bandmates, but instead seemed to be glaring straight past him into the wings.

He turned, and sure enough, there stood Bert, arms crossed and a thoughtful expression on his face as he watched him sing. Gerard felt his stomach sink as their eyes met, and Bert sent him a small smile that once would've automatically been returned. Now it was all he could do to keep singing and try not to a falter over his words, biting back the rising emotions in his chest. He broke their eye contact and turned his back on him, taking a deep breath and trying to steady himself.

Of all the times he actually shows up to watch him it had to be tonight, when he was still so hurt and vulnerable.

"I miss you, I miss you, so far" he continued to sing, focusing on the crowd and their faces as they screamed the words with him. He needed to concentrate on them, it wasn't fair on them to get distracted now.

He turned to see if Frank was still glaring at Bert, and at the same moment Frank looked up from his guitar. Their eyes met, and Frank looked at him with determination before crossing the distance between them so that they were stood a mere inch or two away from each other.

"and the collision of your-" Gerard didn't finish the lyric before Frank had grabbed him by his hair and smashed their lips together in a rough and heavy kiss, his mouth moving too fast against his for him to keep up. He knew it probably wasn't the best idea, and Frank was definitely doing it to piss off Bert rather than any homophobes in the crowd, but he couldn't help but kiss him back.

When Frank broke the kiss, he didn't fling himself back across the stage, but instead sunk to his knees beside him and thrashed around on his guitar from there whilst still leaning against his legs. Gerard finished the song before he dared glance into the wings again, but this time when he looked Bert was gone. He had no idea at what point he'd left, but one thing was for certain; Frank hadn't been kidding when he'd told him he'd make sure he fucked off. 

*

After the show they had actually all showered, as they figured they should probably try and look decent for the party, and then downed a few more beers before they were piling in a car that Brian had arranged for them and heading to the party. Gerard was sat in the back next to Frank, so it was easy to start a conversation.

"Hey, um" he began "thanks, for earlier. You didn't have to do that for me."

"Of course" he grinned, but Gerard could've sworn he blushed a little too "He was total dick for showing up like that, and if that's all it takes to make him fuck off then I'll happily do it every time he tries to show up."

Gerard had to try very hard not to think about how much he'd happily do that every night and instead focus on the topic at hand.

"Thanks Frankie, I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Have to put up with McCracken's shit more I imagine" Frank chuckled "but honestly, I got him to fuck off earlier and if you need me to do it again tonight just give me a sign, yeah?"

"I will do" Gerard's eyes lit up a bit "hey, what sign should I give?"

"How about if I see him trying to talk to you I'll just intervene, yeah?" Frank rolled his eyes "trust you and your need for secret signs and symbols."

"Fuck off, it's creative!" Gerard tried to give him a playful elbow, but Frank was a lot more agile then he was so he easily dodged it.

"We're here" Ray announced from the front seat, and they stopped play fighting to look out the window at the huge house in front of them. There were people spilling out the front door onto the lawn, and through the front windows they could see some were dancing.

"Looks like far too cool a party for us" Mikey commented from the other side of him, and Gerard had to agree.

"Time to find the fucking beer" he nodded "and at least pretend like we're cool enough to be here."

"Don't be surprised if I stay for ten minutes and then leave" Bob grumbled as they all climbed out the car and made their way up the drive "you know how much I hate having to talk to people. Especially music business types."

"To be honest Bob, the fact you're here is miracle enough" Frank chuckled, already seeming at home.

Within a minute of entering the house three different people came up and said hi to Frank, recognising him from the Jersey scene and various other bands he'd been in before. Gerard had forgotten just how many people the guitarist knew, and how easily he could slip into conversation with them all. He hung behind him slightly, grabbing a beer from the fridge as Frank eagerly caught up with some keyboardist he knew from his Pencey Prep days.

"Gerard!" He turned, relieved to see Adam Lazzara crossing the room and hugging him "how the hell are you dude?"

"Relieved that I've finally found somebody I know" he grinned at the fellow vocalist "how's Taking Back Sunday? Are you guys on tour at the moment?"

"Nah, just happened to be in the area and got invited, thought it would be nice to catch up with everyone" he turned and looked around "although you're right - there are a lot of people I don't recognise here. A lot of wild types that's for sure anyway."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah man, I just went to the bathroom and Bert McCracken was doing a massive line off the side of the bathtub, he's mental that one" he chuckled, but quickly noticed Gerard's lack of smile "hey - you okay? I thought you two kind of had something going on."

"We did" Gerard sighed, and Adam nodded in realisation.

"I see. Well to be honest, you've probably had a lucky escape there man" he turned and looked across the room before nodding towards where Frank was stood talking to a group of guys "to be honest, I always thought you and him made a better pair than you and Bert ever did."

"Me and Frank?" Gerard nearly choked on his beer.

"Yeah, why not? You're always making out on stage, or hanging out together. I kind of thought you were together until I heard about you and McCracken." Adam shrugged like it was the most casual thing to assume, and Gerard wondered if maybe he was shitter than he realised at hiding his emotions.

"Nah we've never... I mean, the stage gay is just to piss off the homophobes, you know? We're just friends."

"Whatever you say" Adam said teasingly, clearly not believing him "I don't wanna stick my opinion where it's not wanted. You know yourself far better than I do, anyway."

"No, no it's fine" Gerard quickly reassured his friend "I just, er, didn't know you thought that."

"I'm just honest, it gets me in trouble sometimes" he chuckled and handed Gerard another beer. He was feeling pretty drunk now, which is probably where his confidence to talk about Frank was coming from.

"He's got a boyfriend" he blurted, but Adam seemed unfazed.

"So did you till recently" he downed the rest of his can and chucked it on the table "in my experience, situations change quickly, relationships come and go, but if you're not honest with people and actually tell them how you feel, you'll always be trying to swim against the tide. It's risky, but it can be worth it sometimes."

With that he disappeared, leaving a drunk Gerard with his mind swimming with thoughts. Was Adam onto something? Did he love Frank? Or was he just in love with their friendship? The lines definitely blurred together. The thought of him not being at his side was painful, but did he honestly think Frank felt that way back?

This probably wasn't a decision to make until he was sober. But he'd definitely never have the guts to say anything without alcohol.

Frank was only a few meters away, stood across the room chatting away. He chugged his beer and let the fuzzy drunk feeling sink in, enjoying it's familiarity.

Bob had, sure enough, fucked off. Probably back to the bus. Mikey was talking to Adam now, and Ray was caught up in conversation with Brian and some other music executives. Gerard headed off in search of the bathroom, all the beer he'd consumed finally catching up with him. He could see a commotion going down on the upstairs landing, and figured that was probably the bathroom Bert had claimed. So instead he headed down the hall and found one that was free of cheating exes snorting lines, and locked the door behind him, enjoying a moments peace and quiet.

As he washed his hands he looked up at himself in the mirror, seeing the smudged eyeliner and the messy but not greasy black hair that framed his face. He studied himself, wondering what everyone's impressions of him here were. The alcohol helped him to loosen up, and he smiled at his reflection, trying to be kinder to himself.

He needed a smoke, so he headed out the bathroom and through the back door onto the patio. There were a few people milling around, but nobody he recognised, so he lit up a cigarette and leant against the wall. He was sort of in the shadows, looking out at various people talking and a few people stumbling around further down the garden. He just listened to the hum of music coming from inside and tried to relax a little.

"I was wondering where you were" his head snapped to the side, where Bert was stood leaning against the wall far too close for his liking.

"Oh" was all he managed.

"That's it? God, I preferred it when you were pissed with me" Bert chuckled half heartedly "to be honest, you're pretty hot when you're angry."

"I still am" Gerard frowned and took another drag "and I don't want to talk about it either. I think it's best we avoid each other for a bit actually."

"Hey, don't be like that" Bert tried to move closer, but Gerard shuffled backwards too "come on babe, I'm so fucking sorry about what happened. I was an idiot, but I've learnt my lesson. I want you back, I came to your show today to tell you, but you were too busy doing that weird stage gay crap with Iero."

"Yeah well imagine how I felt when I walked in on you then" Gerard spat, dropping his cigarette and stamping it out with his foot as he turned to face his sort-of-ex "you treat me like shit Bert."

"But that's us babe" Bert sighed "we're both fuck-ups, that's why we work so well, remember? I know I fucked up this time, but normally we love being fucking messes together" he was in front of him now, and the wall was behind, so he had no choice but to look into his eyes, which were bloodshot to hell.

"You hurt me."

"I know" he moved closer so Gerard could feel his breath on his face "I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. You and me, we're the same though. You need me just as much as I need you..."

Bert kissed him then, and for a second Gerard stood frozen, his body numb from shock that this was happening. His mind was foggy, so it took him a second to realise what was going on, but when he did he felt an anger he didn't know he had surge within him.

One second their lips were locked, and the next Gerard was shoving him backwards. Bert merely stumbled a step or two back, but he wasn't finished.

For the first time in his life, Gerard pulled back his fist and punched.

His fist connected with Bert's cheek in a hard blow that left Bert to stumble and fall backwards in shock, only catching himself at the last minute as he blinked a few times. Gerard's knuckles were stinging like hell, but being drunk, combined with the adrenaline, numbed it temporarily.

"Hey!" a junkie that Gerard vaguely recognised from one of Bert's parties last tour ran over "what the hell - Bert are you okay?"

Bert didn't answer him, just swung his own fist, bloodshot eyes now feral on whatever substances he had consumed as he let his intoxicated rage take over. Gerard did not have the reflexes to dodge, so he just shut his eyes and yelled out as he felt a fist connected with his own face, pain burning across his face. He tried to fall backwards, but just fell into the wall and tried to steady himself against that.

He was aware that a small crowd had started to gather, mainly Bert's friends and not anymore he knew. It was in that moment he realised he was definitely going to loose this fight, and there was no de-escalating it when Bert was as fucked as he was. It wasn't like he listened to reason at the best of times anyway.

"What the fuck" Bert spat and shoved him back against the wall.

"Bert-" before he had time to search for any words Bert's Junkie friend was lunging at him, and with one blow to the stomach he fell to the ground, gasping for breath. Someone else was trying to kick him, and for a moment he genuinely started to fear for his life. Surely Bert would step in and stop them? Or someone from inside would hear over the music?

"Hey!" his head shot up to see Frank running across the lawn, his expression murderous. Within mere seconds he had reached the small crowd and lunged straight at the junkie that had just punched him, knocking him to the ground and starting to deliver punch after punch. Ray and Mikey were behind him, and Adam and Brian and a few other people he recognised had also come running out the house by this point, and were quickly trying to break up the gathered crowd.

Mikey immediately dropped to his elder brother's side and helped him to stand up, whilst Ray had to pull Frank off of the guy he'd now beaten to the point that his whole face was going to be purple by morning.

"Frank, come on, you've done enough" Ray said as he all but had to pick him up.

"Fine, fine" Frank relaxed for the smallest of moment, but then turned to Bert "you fucking dick!" he all but screamed "you were just going to let that happen huh? After everything you've done, you were just going to stand back and let them... let them" in an instant he'd broken free of Ray's grip and was now lunging at Bert, managing to land one good punch and a half decent kick before both Ray and Mikey were pulling him back and restraining him.

"Since when did you become his guardian fucking angel?" Bert growled in response, and Brian quickly grabbed him by the arm to make sure he didn't try and lunge at anyone either.

"Everyone calm the fuck down!" their manager yelled "before this gets even fucking worse. Bert, you're coming with me and I don't want to see any of this lot anywhere near the rest of tour or else, okay?" Bert gave a nod. Brian then turned to where Ray and Mikey were still holding one of Frank's arms each, and Gerard was stood behind them, clutching his throbbing face "as for you guys, go get some ice for your knuckles and make sure Frank doesn't kill anyone. I'll come check on you later."

Everyone dispersed after that, and Ray sighed at his bandmates, probably wishing for just one drama free night on tour.

"Let's get inside" he sighed "and find some fucking ice."

*

Whilst Brian and some others dragged the entirety of The Used, and all of Bert's so-called friends out of the party and back to their bus, Gerard and his bandmates were left to head back into the house and sort themselves out.

The party was still in full swing, so the four of them went upstairs into one of the empty rooms, where Ray made Gerard and Frank both sit down of the edge of the beds. Mikey fetched some ice for both their knuckles, returning with two packs of frozen peas and handing them out. Gerard eagerly placed them on his stinging hand, knowing that Frank's must have been far worse than his: he'd only thrown one punch, whereas Frank had thrown about fifteen. Gerard had been the only one to fully receive one though, so he tried to hold the peas against his face with the same hand that had sore knuckles in an attempt to reduce the swelling.

"Are you okay?" his younger brother looked at his face with concern, biting his lip.

"I'm fine Mikes" he smiled reassuringly "I should've known punching Bert was a shit idea, honestly, it's my fault."

"A shit idea, but the right one" Frank gave a small chuckle from beside him, nursing his own hands.

"Remind me to never get on your bad side Frank, Jesus christ" Ray rolled his eyes "I've never seen you that angry before and I never want to see it again either."

"Yeah Frank you were mental out there" Mikey agreed "I'm glad though. They deserved it, all ganging up on Gee like that."

Frank just shrugged. "It's nothing."

"Shut up" Gerard sighed "it wasn't nothing, I owe you."

"Do you guys need anything else?" Mikey asked, and they both shook their heads. "Okay, well I'm going to go find Adam and tell him you're both okay. He was worried." After Mikey disappeared, Ray yawned and stretched his arms.

"Well, I'm going to go back to the bus and tell Bob what he missed. He's going to be livid he missed a chance to fight that bunch of dicks. You two gonna be okay here?"

"Yeah, we'll be fine" Frank smiled "once we've nursed our injuries we'll get a lift back to the bus too."

"Okay, I'll see you both back there. Nice to know you both made it out of that in one piece." Ray wandered off downstairs, leaving the two of them sat quietly on the edge of the bed.

"Thank yo-" Gerard started.

"I swear to God if you thank me one more time I'm going to whack you with this bag of peas" Frank rolled his eyes "what was I supposed to do? Let you get beat up by some thugs that think they're hard because they did a few lines in the bathroom? No fucking way. And as for McCracken, he better stay out my fucking way, or he's getting punched again. No hesitation."

"I did punch him first, Frankie" Gerard giggled, shuffling to face his best friend more as he spoke. 

"And with good reason I'm sure" he retorted "what did he say to you?"

"Well, he tried to tell me he was sorry and that we should get back together" Frank grimaced as he spoke "and then, well, he tried to kiss me, and that's when I thought it was a smart idea to punch him. I've never punched anyone before, it was weird."

"He tried to fucking kiss you?!" His eyes went comically wide and his sore fist balled at his sides "Who the hell does he think he is?"

"It's okay Frank, really, I shouldn't have hit him-"

"Yes! Yes you should've! How dare he think he can kiss you like he didn't cheat on you, the scumbag" Frank was almost shaking with rage, so Gerard used his good hand to place on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him.

"Hey Frankie, it's okay" he mumbled quietly "it's not like he's going to do it again in a hurry, is it? We both made sure of that."

"I know" Frank sighed "just, please promise me you won't listen to a word he says, okay?" he dropped the bag of peas and instead grabbed Gerard's hand in his own, taking him by surprise. "You deserve so much better than him and the way he treats you, but I know what you can be like Gee. I know when you're feeling low you start thinking he's not so bad, but he is, and he will always hurt you, and I'm not going to stand by and let him."

"I promise" Gerard squeezed his hand in his "I promise Frankie, okay? I know he's bad news."

"Good, because I can't see you hurt again okay? I love you too much for that." He said the L word so casually and yet it tugged on something within Gerard. It was such a complicated word to define. He knew they loved each other as friends, they said it all the time, and yet his conversation with Adam earlier was back in his head and he found himself wondering again if there could ever be anything more between them. They were so close in that moment, his hand resting in Frank's like it was the most natural thing in the world, their knees touching as they both perched on the edge of the bed.

"I love you too, Frankie" he spoke softly, and didn't meet his eyes at first. When he did lift his gaze, he noticed how close their faces were. Frank was looking at him with an expression he couldn't work out, the bags of peas forgotten at their sides.

"Gee, I-" Frank gulped. Was he nervous? He seemed it. The air seemed thick with whatever was on the tip of his tongue. They both stared at each other for a moment, completely still, and then both moved at one.

Their mouth's collides, lips moulding perfectly against each other like they'd be born to do this. Gerard honestly had no idea who had leaned in first, but now they were kissing. It was different from the stage, softer and slower and yet that same passion was burning within him. Frank had one hand in his hair and another on his waist, whilst his own were on his neck and shoulders. He moved his head slightly side on so he could get a better angle, and bit the guitarists lip. Frank let out a quiet moan and deepened the kiss, their tongues moving against each other in a rhythmic pattern.

Gerard felt like he was in fucking heaven. It was better than any other kiss, any other drug. He couldn't even feel the pain in his face anymore, too caught up in the moment and the feeling of their bodies pressed together. He wanted more, he knew that much. There was no way he could get enough of this, ever.

"Gee? Frank?" at the sound of Mikey calling out they jumped apart, scrambling to grab their respective bags of frozen peas and press them back against their injuries, and just in time too, as Mikey walked into the room.

"Hey Mikes" he managed to choke out through his shock.

"Hey" Mikey seemed utterly obliviously to the glazed, confused expressions both his bandmates were wearing as they avoided eye contact with each other "the car's outside if you're both ready to leave. I figured you wouldn't really want to stick around much longer, and I'm certainly tired."

"Oh, yeah" Frank nodded, standing up without looking Gerard in the eye "guess we should head back to the bus."

"Yeah" Gerard mumbled "sounds good."

He followed his friends out of the room and down the stairs without saying another word. Frank and Mikey were talking about some guy they knew from school that had apparently been there that night, but his mind was still in that room, still in that moment.

It was all he could think about the whole journey back, and even though Frank was doing a better job than him at making conversation he knew he wasn't right either.

Holy shit, Frank totally had a boyfriend. Frank had just kissed him behind his boyfriends back and the worst bit was Gerard couldn't help but feel happy about it. He'd enjoyed it, and he knew if it was up to him he'd do it again in an instant. He'd kiss Frank right in fucking front of Luke if he could, and as much as he knew he should feel bad he just didn't.

When they got back to the bus Frank went straight to bed, mumbling something about being worn out, and Gerard desperately wanted to go after him and ask him what the fuck had just happened, but he also knew that right now his friend probably didn't have a clue either.

He watched him walk towards the bunks, and he couldn't help it.

"Night, Frankie" he called after him, and Frank turned round and finally met his gaze, giving him a small smile.

"Night Gee" he spoke softly "sleep well, yeah?"

Gerard smiled back at him, and then Frank was climbing into his bunk and shutting out the rest of the world.

Gerard sighed and went in search of a t-shirt to sleep in, trying to hide the huge grin that kept spreading across his face. He felt like a lovestruck teenager, and yet at the same time he was utterly terrified at the can of worms he'd effectively just opened.

He'd kissed his best friend. His best friend who was in a relationship. Surely no good could come of that?

*

When Gerard woke up the next day it was to the sound of a phone ringing, but not his own.

"Hey" he heard Frank answer groggily from the bunk above him, so close and yet all Gerard wanted to do was climb up and be closer. "Yeah I know, I'm sorry I didn't call you back babe, I totally lost track of time at the party..."

Shit. He was talking to Luke.

"... yeah I think we crossed the state line last night, we're playing Chicago tonight, why do you ask? I swear I sent you the schedule... Wait, what? You are? But what about your work?!" His voice had definitely gone higher and he sounded surprised. This couldn't be good. "...oh, well, that's great. I guess I'll see you in an hour then... of course I'm excited to see you don't be crazy, I'm just a bit tired and hungover..."

Gerard bit back a groan of despair as he processed his words. Luke was coming, a last minute surprise perhaps, or maybe they'd planned it and Frank had forgotten. Either way, soon he would have to look into the eyes of the man whose boyfriend he'd kissed the night before and pretend like everything was okay.

Within the space of mere days he'd gone from having never experienced cheating firsthand to both being cheated on and now being the person that someone cheated with. What a fucking mess.

Part of him wanted to just stay in his bunk with the curtain pulled shut and never climb out again. He held back as he heard Frank drop down from his own bunk and head out into the living space. He had no idea where they stood now, but he did know that if Frank was planning on pretending like nothing had ever happened and was going to be all loved-up with Luke then he couldn't bear to be near it.

He waited another few minutes or so before he climbed down from his own bunk and headed to the kitchen to make himself a coffee, his hangover only a small one today. He didn't want Frank to realise he had heard his conversation, but the minute he entered the room the guitarist looked up at him with a nervous expression, biting his lip ever so slightly.

"Hey" Gerard faked a smile "anyone else want a coffee?"

Mikey and Ray were also in the room, but both shook their heads.

"You've got a nasty bruise coming up there" Mikey pointed to Gerard's cheek "does it hurt?"

"Nah, not too bad" Gerard shrugged "good job I have all that makeup in the back, I can cover it up for the show tonight."

"Going to art school saves the day once again" Frank teased, but his smile didn't quite meet his eyes.

"It comes in handy" he nodded, glancing at his reflection in the mirror and seeing the purple mark across his cheek where Bert had punched him. It could've been so much worse though, if it hadn't been for Frank.

"I think Brian wanted to talk to you about it today" said Ray "he's told Bert that he doesn't want him going anywhere near you for the rest of tour, and if he pulls anything like that again they're going to kick him off, so you should be safe."

"I am the one that threw the first punch" Gerard sighed "so I imagine I'm in trouble too."

"Me and Mikey told him everything that's been going on between you two, and he was definitely on your side, but he does have to keep it professional, so I imagine he'll just give you a warning not to pull that sort of shit again."

"Yeah" Mikey nodded "plus when we got out there all we could see was his mates all about to beat the shit out of you, and Bert not intervening, so you may have thrown the first punch but he's the one that was letting it escalate like that."

"I guess" Gerard hummed, stirring his cup "when's soundcheck today?"

"In like an hour" Ray said automatically. He was always the only one that actually knew their schedule.

"Oh erm, by the way, Luke's coming to the show tonight" Frank was obviously trying to slip it into the conversation and hope nobody said anymore about it. Gerard certainly wasn't going to, but Mikey and Ray clearly didn't pick up on the tension in the room.

"That's nice" Mikey grinned "did you guys plan it?"

"Nah, he was working at some festival nearby and figured if he stuck around for an extra day he could swing by and see us play" Frank didn't sound super enthusiastic about it, but Gerard didn't want to get his hopes up. Maybe he was just playing it down in front of him because of what happened the night before?

"Is everything okay between you guys?" Ray seemed to pick up on his flat tone "I thought you'd be a bit more excited about it."

"Oh, yeah, no, it's fine" Frank plastered on a smile "just a few issues, I mean, yeah... it's fine."

"Okay, well, here if you need to talk about it" Ray nodded "otherwise we'll try and give you guys some space. Maybe you just need to see each other again. Long distance can fuck with your head, y'know?"

"Yeah, it can."

Gerard shuffled out the room at that point, mumbling something about finding his makeup. He did not want to be around to listen to the others try and give Frank relationship advice when he knew very well that he was probably the so-called issue that Frank had mentioned. 

*

It was just before soundcheck, and Gerard was dabbing some concealer on his bruise in the back room when Frank walked in. He was wearing some baggy jeans that really shouldn't look good on anyone and yet great on him, his hands shoved into the pockets on either side and the same nervous look on his face.

"Hey" he started "I was hoping I'd find you alone."

"You know me" Gerard shrugged, trying to seem casual and probably failing.

"I just thought we should er, talk, you know, before Luke gets here and we don't get a chance to. About last night."

"Oh, yeah" he gulped " I guess."

Both of them stood there for a second, not knowing where to start. Then they both spoke at once.

"I won't tell anyone, and I won't say anything to Luke, it's fine" Gerard sighed.

"I just need to talk to him and sort out my head a bit, you know?" Frank said simultaneously. They both then took a second to digest each other's words.

"Okay" Gerard stood up, discarding the makeup "well, I guess we should go to soundcheck."

"Gee, you should know I-"

"It's okay Frank, honestly. It was a weird night. I shouldn't have kissed you when you have a boyfriend, that was a dick move of me. You're my best fucking friend, and I... well, yeah. I'm sorry."

Frank looked like he wanted to say more, but at that point Ray walked into the room and started to herd them all out the bus, and the moment quickly passed. Gerard walked slightly ahead of him, not sure if he could bear whatever he was going to say. He suspected Frank probably wished it hadn't happened, and now he was going to have to hang around and watch him and Luke together and pretend like he hadn't had the best kiss of his life with him the night before. It was going to be worse than torture and he knew it. He also knew of a sure-fire way to numb the pain though, and he fully intended to take advantage of it.

*

Luke showed up right when they were mid-soundcheck, which lead to him awkwardly hanging around in the wings until they finished. Frank wasn't being his usual energetic self. Instead he seemed reserved, giving Luke a nod and a smile but not running over or doing any sort of grand-reunion shit Gerard had feared. Maybe Frank was being kind to him, knowing that it would only make things more awkward.

He did his best to focus on singing and the tasks at hand, and not on the light tech waiting in the wings. Of course, he couldn't hide behind his mic forever, and as soon as they left the stage he found himself being hugged by a man he couldn't help but despise.

"Gerard man! How are you doing?" Luke grinned. Gerard had been hoping to slip past and get away, but Luke was too fast and friendly for that.

"Hey, good thanks" he plastered on his fakest smile "how was your journey?"

"Not too bad" Luke nodded "worth it of course to come here. I haven't been to Chicago in years, and I can't wait to see you play tonight. Frankie says the shows have been great so far."

"Thanks" Gerard nodded, and luckily Luke then turned his attention to greeting Mikey and Ray. He didn't want to slip away rudely, so he hung back for a moment and couldn't help but look at Frank, who it turned out was also looking at him. Their eyes only met for a second before Frank looked away, guilt briefly flashing across his features. Gerard knew how shit he must be feeling. Frank had a heavy conscience and hated to hurt anyone, so for people like him knowing he'd cheated was no doubt tearing him up on the inside.

"What's up with your knuckles?" he heard Luke ask, and at that point he froze.

"Oh, er, I had to break up a fight at a party last night. It's nothing" Frank rushed, earning questioning glances from Ray Mikey and Bob, who all had no idea why he wouldn't want to tell his boyfriend all the details of his heroic acts. "Come on, I'll show you the bus and then we can head out."

"You coming Gee?" Mikey asked when he noticed his brother hanging back.

"Er, nah. I've got some errands to do, I'll catch up with you all later" Gerard lied, and he could tell his brother wasn't buying it from the way his eyebrows furrowed, but there was little he could do except nod.

"You want some company?"

"Honestly it's fine Mikes. I'll see you later for the show. Just need to be on my own for a bit."

Mikey hesitated for a moment longer before turning and following the others out of the venue. Gerard knew hanging out with him would probably help in some ways, but he also had promised Frank he wouldn't tell anyone about what happened and there was no way Mikey wouldn't be a able to squeeze it out of him. They were too close, and Mikey always had a way of telling when Gerard was lying.

So instead he reached into his pocket and felt the small bag still in there. Pills wouldn't ask unwanted questions. Pills would help him to not feel any of the guilt and shame and heartache that he was currently consumed by. Pills would make him feel so good he'd probably forget Luke's existence, and that was all he needed right now. 

*

The rest of his afternoon was a blur. At first he'd hung around the venue in one of the dressing rooms, picking the one furthest from the commotion. There he'd sat drawing and drinking and waiting for the pills to kick in. When they finally did, it was worth the wait.

After that, he'd ended up in a nearby bar, where he'd got talking to some guys that recognised him. He couldn't remember what he was saying apart from one point where he'd been utterly consumed by watching the bubbles floating in his drink and insisted everyone else look at them too. Apart from that he'd mainly kept to himself, and ended up back at the venue in the catering tent, trying to eat. His mouth had felt disjointed though, and slower, so he didn't manage much before he just ended up lying down in a random dressing room, staring at the ceiling. It was hard to concentrate on anything for too long, but it was gradually getting a bit easier as the pills wore off. He knew he needed to be able to remember the lyrics for the show, which must have been soon, so he resisted the temptation to take another.

"Gerard?" he raised his head from his position on the sofa to see his younger brother standing the doorway.

"Mikes" he gave him a glazed smile "w'dya doing here?"

"Looking for you, you need to get ready for the show" he stepped into the room and took a closer look at his older brother "are you drunk again?"

"A little..." Gerard sighed "I did drop a fucking amazing pill earlier though."

"Where are you getting pills from? Actually, you know what, I don't even wanna know. Do you know what time it is? It's like half an hour till we go onstage and you're going to need to be able to concentrate..." Mikey was more ranting to himself that his brother by this point "does water help sober you up from pills? Maybe you should eat, that can help..."

Gerard zoned out, not liking the idea of sobering up too much but knowing Mikey wanted to feel like he was helping. Instead he closed his eyes and enjoyed the floating sensations throughout his body.

"Gee! Come on!" Mikey was pulling him up now, much to Gerard's dismay, and towards the door "we need to get you ready for the show, okay?"

"I don't want to go back to the bus" Gerard struggled against his brothers hold.

"Why not?"

"I just.... don't."

"Is this about Frank?" That made him freeze.

"What do you mean?" Gerard looked at him with wide eyes, trying to think if he'd said anything to Mikey when he'd been drunk before. Not that he remembered, but then again, there were often a lot of holes in his memories.

"Don't play dumb" Mikey rolled his eyes "it's painfully obvious that you're in love with each other."

"Oh" Gerard has forgotten how observant Mikey was.

"Yeah, and neither of you are good at hiding it either. I saw how much Frank flipped out last night when he saw you get hit, and then the minute his boyfriend turns up today you disappear off the face of the earth self medicating. Doesn't take a genius to figure it out."

"He doesn't feel the same" Gerard mumbled in a small voice. He couldn't lie to his brother, especially when he had hit the nail on the head. But he could definitely disagree with his analysis of Frank. The guy had been with Luke all day after all, not him.

"Yes he does. Look, you just can't see it because you're too close and you have appalling self esteem."

"Thanks" Gerard rolled his eyes.

"What I mean is you don't see what he sees and if you were more confident in yourself you totally would. Look, he hated Bert long before he had real reason to, you're all he talks about when you aren't around. Whenever you're drunk he always stays to make sure you're getting home safe, even if it meant watching you go home with Bert he still does because he adores you."

"What about Luke?"

"You were with Bert, I imagine he probably wanted to be distracted from that, just like you now want to be distracted from him and Luke. But he doesn't love the guy. I can tell. He's not as happy round him as he is round you, and I think he knows that and feels bad because Luke likes him more than he does back."

"Even if you're right-"

"I am."

"Mikes we..." Gerard knew he shouldn't say it but he was a bit drunk and very much high and his brother was really getting into his head "we kissed. Last night. After the fight."

"Woah, really? Well, of course really. You wouldn't joke about that..."

"Yeah" Gerard sighed "so now what do I fucking do. Hang around and smile at Luke and pretend I wasn't kissing his boyfriend yesterday?"

"My advice is right now we have to get you ready for the show, and then once that is out of the way I'd suggest telling Frank how you feel. After that, it's up to him to decide what he does about it."

"But that's terrifying."

"I know" they were stood outside the bus, and so Mikey decided it was time to focus on the matter at hand "right, first things first, let's go get your stage clothes and your makeup."

Luckily Frank and Luke weren't onboard the bus.

"They went out to get food, but Frank said he'll be back in ten minutes" Ray had explained. Gerard had just nodded and focused on trying to tie his tie, which in the end Mikey had to help him with. Once his clothes were on he haphazardly applied some stage makeup, going for his more lazy look of red eyeshadow and white face powder, but at the end drew some crack lines on his cheekbones too with some eyeliner.

"That's surprisingly good for someone off his face on pills" Mikey mused from behind him, making him giggle.

"Shut up, I'm not off my face. I was off my face, now it's wearing off. Difference."

"Hence you've started on this?" Mikey pointed to the open beer next to Gerard's eyeshadow.

"Come on, let's go back to the venue" Gerard ignored his comment, grabbing his beer and a second one in case the first didn't calm his nerves enough.

Mikey nodded and followed him out the bus. Ray and Bob had gone ahead, but they soon caught up with them backstage.

"Sorry I'm late!" They all turned to see Frank rushing over, guitar in hand. "You guys all ready?"

"Yeah. Where's Luke?" Ray asked.

"He's watching from the balcony" Frank turned to face Gerard, who blinked a few times and tried his best to stand still. He didn't want Frank to know just how much he was spiralling, it wasn't fair. "You okay?"

"Yeah" he nodded, not making full eye contact "I'm fine."

"I've hardly seen you today" Frank said quietly. Mikey turned slightly and pretended like he wasn't totally listening to every word they said, and Gerard made a mental note to tell him what a shit spy he would make later. 

"I figured you'd be busy" Gerard shrugged, bouncing a little on his heels. Frank looked at his bloodshot eyes and jittery hands and sighed sadly at him, clearly realising that he was anything but sober. 

"Okay, well, I need to talk to you later" he said as the stage manager signalled them. Their intro music had started up on stage, and the screams of the crowd were becoming a deafening chant. It was time to go on, and for once Gerard wished perhaps they could've had one more moment backstage for him to try and figure out what exactly Frank needed to say. 

Instead he walked out onstage, mind swimming and heart pounding. 

*

Somehow, Gerard managed to make it through the show in one piece, but it wasn't smooth sailing. He fell over a few times, and stumbled over the odd word, but all in all the fans seemed to love it, taking his drunken staggering around as part of the performance.

He was trying his best not to look at the area where Luke was watching, but he couldn't help himself. Every now and then when the main lights were up he'd take a glance at the balcony and spot him stood near the end, arms folded across his chest. He'd seen them play plenty of times before of course, but this time Gerard really couldn't stand his presence. He didn't even look like he was enjoying it that much, but maybe that was just Gerard wanting to find something about him to be angry about.

He was so tempted to grab Frank during I'm Not Okay and just kiss the hell out of him, but there was no way he had the guts to do it after the night before. Instead he affectionately grabbed the guitarist by the hair and pulled him against his chest so that Frank leaned back against him and screamed his line into their shared mic. Frank went to turn, and for a moment their eyes met with their faces so close together.

Gerard couldn't breathe, let alone sing, wondering if Frank would dare to kiss him right then, after everything.

But then Frank turned away and Gerard scrambled to remember his spot, picking up the chorus and attempting to shake some sense into himself, which is easier said than done when you're pretty drunk and still have the remnants of pills in your system.

Mikey raised an eyebrow at him from his spot behind where he and Frank had just been stood, clearly having caught the moment. Hopefully he was the only one. 

The gig was nearly over, and just as well, because his head was spinning. There was far too many thoughts rushing through it, and he could barely focus on any of them. He was feeling kind of nauseous, but luckily at that point the last song was ringing out and the lights went down, signalling their cue to leave the stage. 

He bolted into the wings and down one of the hallways into a bathroom, just about managing to make it to the toilet before he puked. The pills had obviously not agreed with the beer in his system, but after a few moments of gagging and heaving he did feel considerably better. 

He leaned back onto his knees and shakily wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve, taking a moment to try and collect his thoughts. He wasn't sure if anyone had seen where he'd run off to, but then a knock on the door snapped him out of his trance. 

"Gee?" Frank's voice called through "you in there?"

"Er, yeah. Two secs" Gerard got to his feet and opened the door halfway so he could lean against the frame. Frank was stood with his hands in his jean pockets and a concerned look on his face. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, just a bit sick. I'm fine now" he gave a small smile "sorry, I didn't really have time to explain."

"What did you take?" Frank didn't seem angry. He was... unreadable. Gerard couldn't quite figure out what emotions were hiding behind his eyes. 

"Pills" He mumbled, bracing himself for a disappointed look. Instead, Frank just looked sad, and maybe a little guilty too. You'd think after years Gerard would be able to read him like a book, and for the most part he could, but in moments like these he really did have no clue what his best friend was thinking. 

"Did you..." Frank trailed off for a second, clearly having some sort of internal battle over his word choice "I hope you didn't take them because of Luke. I put you in a really shitty position today Gee and I'm so sorry, I had no idea he was going to turn up like this."

"It's okay. He's your boyfriend" Gerard bit back a grimace "he's allowed to turn up and see you. I'm not angry at you Frank, I could never be."

"I don't want him to be" Frank blurted out before he had a chance to overthink his words "not anymore."

"What?" Gerard's eyes were wide with shock, and perhaps a little hope too. 

"I was trying to tell you this morning but there wasn't time and then you were gone and, well" Frank pulled at his sleeves, clearly nervous "well to be honest what I was really trying to tell you earlier was that I don't regret what happened last night. And I know you probably do. Hell, you were vulnerable and I certainly wasn't thinking straight either but..."

"You shouldn't give up what you have with Luke for me" Gerard sighed. It stung to admit it, but he knew he had to be honest too. "Luke is far better than me. He's got his shit together and I'm a mess, you know that better than anyone."

"Woah, shut up" Frank placed a hand on his arm, only for a moment, but it was enough to stop Gerard's rambling. "Look, I was going to end things with Luke regardless of what happened last night, okay? Me and him, we don't work together. I know we look good on paper but we spent a lot of our time in California arguing, and well..."

"And what?"

"I wanted to fall in love with him, I really did. I thought it would happen gradually and everything would work itself out, but it's impossible to give someone your heart like that when it already belongs to... someone else." Frank didn't quite meet his eyes as spoke, voice getting quieter as he finally admitted something he never thought he'd speak aloud to anyone, yet alone the man standing in front of him. 

"Oh" was all Gerard managed to gulp, shock setting in as he tried to process what he was hearing. Could he really mean it? He was sure the pills had worn off and yet this definitely seemed like a weird situation he'd hallucinate or dream about. 

"Look, I shouldn't spring all this on you like this, not now especially. I need to sort this stuff out with Luke, it's not fair on him to keep this going any longer and it's not fair on you either. I just really needed you to know, because, well, I haven't been able to stop worrying about you all day and I know I'm only making things more complicated but-"

"Frank" now it was Gerard's turn to interrupt the rambling "I don't regret last night either. I know I should because of Luke, but I don't."

The relief on Frank's face was obvious, and a hint of a smile appeared at the corners of his mouth. They were moving closer to each other, and Gerard knew all he had to do was take one more step, or lean a little more, and he could've been close enough to grab Frank and pull him into a kiss like the previous night's. Frank definitely knew it too, because with a sharp intake of breath he closed his eyes and seemed to be attempting to control his urges. 

"I can't kiss you again right now" he sighed "not until I've ended things with Luke. I can't be that guy..."

"It's okay" Gerard reassured as Frank opened his eyes and met his gaze "besides, I er, just threw up, so I wouldn't recommend it right now anyway." Frank chuckled at that, shaking his head. 

"Listen, I need to go sort out the mess i've got myself in, and you need to get back to the bus and rest up and certainly not touch any more pills, okay?"

"Okay" Gerard nodded "it's a deal."

"Come on then" Frank moved so he was no longer blocking the path to the door. Gerard followed him out and down the corridor. Neither of them spoke as they headed out the venue, but they didn't need to either. It was a comfortable silence, or as comfortable as it could be when Frank had just admitted he was too busy thinking about his best friend to give his boyfriend a fair chance.

They paused outside the bus, knowing reality was beckoning them. 

"Hey Frank?"

"Yeah?"

"I know I'm biased but you're not a bad person because of what's happened with you and Luke" Gerard knew how harsh Frank could be on himself, especially when it came to his morals "I know you never meant to hurt him."

"Thanks Gee" Frank flashed him a brief smile before he climbed onboard, leaving Gerard to follow. 

Mikey and Luke were sat on the sofa, mid conversation, but stopped talking the moment Frank and Gerard appeared. 

"I was wondering where you'd got to" Luke grinned at his boyfriend with a painful innocence. 

"Sorry, Gerard wasn't feeling well" Frank technically didn't lie "did you like the show?"

"Of course I did, how could I not? You guys only get better" Luke turned to Gerard "I hope you're feeling okay now though."

"I'll be fine" Gerard nodded tightly, really not wanting to make any more conversation than necessary. His head was pounding anyway, and now his heart was too. 

"Actually, I need to talk to you" Frank interjected, grabbing Luke's arm "can we go for a walk or something?"

"Oh er, yeah sure" Luke frowned "Is everything okay?"

"Of course" Frank's smile didn't meet his eyes, and everyone in the room could see it. Mikey glanced at Gerard, who in turn looked anywhere but at his younger brother. Luke just nodded and picked up his jacket. 

The minute they left the bus Mikey raised an eyebrow. 

"I'm gonna go ahead and assume that's the last time I have to make small talk with him then" he mused "can't say I'll miss it, the guy may be nice but he's also kinda dull. And his knowledge of the Smashing Pumpkins is poor at best. Definitely not a good fit for Frank."

"Mikey!" 

"What? It's true! Don't defend the guy, you of all people have reason to want him gone. Especially turning up with Frank like that - where did you both disappear off to after the show?"

"I went to puke actually, and he came to check I was okay" Gerard sat down opposite his brother. 

"I thought you were looking a bit more pasty than normal" Mikey nodded "so did you talk about Luke or last night? Because Frank sounded pretty serious just now, and I can't imagine you'd be looking this happy if Luke was sticking around much longer."

"You need to stop being so good at reading people" Gerard grumbled "but yes, we did talk about it. Not loads. Frank needs to sort things out, end stuff with Luke. But er, weirdly I think you may have been right earlier."

"Of course I was" Mikey grinned "it's painfully obvious he has feelings for you, but I'm glad you're seeing it now too."

"Yeah, well, we'll see I guess" Gerard sighed, sinking down into the couch and wondering how such a weird sequence of events had happened in such a short space of time. 

*

An hour or so later and Gerard was lying in his bunk, staring at the ceiling of the empty bunk above his and wondering where Frank was right at that moment. Had he dumped Luke? Or had he had a change of heart? Maybe he was telling him everything. God, he hoped Luke wouldn't stay on the bus tonight no matter what happened. He couldn't bear it if they slept in the bunk above him. Surely Frank wouldn't let that happen, not after earlier?

His head ached and he felt utterly drained. He'd experienced the highs of the pill, and now he was suffering the inevitable lows. 

He couldn't even just roll over and get some sleep, his mind too busy racing. 

When he heard a pair of footsteps coming down the bus, he held his breath. There were no voices, and it only sounded like one person. Could it be...?

"Gee? You awake?"

His question was answered by the small whisper that floated through his bunk curtain. He immediately leaned over and pulled it back enough to see Frank stood there, a small smile gracing his features in the dimly lit space when he saw Gerard. 

"Hey" Gerard smiled "are you okay?"

"Yeah, I am" Frank gave a purposeful nod "I er, ended things with Luke. He just left."

"Oh" Gerard sat up a little more "did it go okay?"

"Yeah, I was pretty honest" Frank surprised him by climbing up so he was sitting on the edge of Gerard's bunk, but turned so he was facing inwards. "I just told him I didn't love him the way he loved me, but that I do care about him, and I can't lead him on and waste his time. He was upset, but I think he'll be okay."

"How do you feel about it?" Gerard held his breath as Frank took a moment before he replied. 

"You know what? Pretty relieved. Like a weight's been lifted from my shoulders" he smiled down at him "what about you? Are you feeling better after earlier?"

"Oh, you know, kinda hit the low point" Gerard knew he should be completely honest too "so I feel like death, but knowing you're okay helps."

"You mind?" Frank nodded at the space next to him in the cramped bunk, and Gerard immediately shook his head and shuffled over. Frank climbed into the bunk, pulling the curtain across behind him. It took a moment of them awkwardly shuffling around and trying to both fit into the space, but eventually they were both lying on their sides and looking at each other. 

"I wish I could stop you feeling so bad" Frank sighed, and reached over to tuck some of Gerard's hair behind his ear.

"You do" he admitted sheepishly, heart racing at how close they were. "Frankie?"

"Yeah?" 

"Stay here with me?" He knew it was a big step to ask, but part of him couldn't resist. 

"Of course" Frank hesitated or a moment before leaning over and closing the distance between them, gently pressing his lips against his.

Gerard immediately moved his head up to kiss him back. It was only for a moment, both of them exhausted, but it was everything he needed. When they pulled away Frank pulled him to his chest and wrapped an arm around his waist. 

"Night Gee" He sighed. Gerard eagerly rested his head in the crook of his neck and breathed in his smell, the dark thoughts that usually penetrated his mind with such ease instantly silenced. 

"Night Frankie" was the last thing he remembered mumbling before he fell into sleep. 

*

When Gerard woke the next morning it took him a second to feel the arm draped over his side. As soon as he did, he became aware of the breath against the back of his neck and the way his leg was tangled with another. 

For a moment he felt panic build inside him. Normally when he woke up groggily sharing a bunk with someone it meant that he'd had a heavy night and ended up sleeping with Bert. But as he blinked open his eyes he was unmistakably in his own bunk, with his clothes on, albeit a bit hungover. 

That's when the night before came flooding back to him, and he turned gently, or as gently as he could when he was in a tour bus bunk, and saw Frank sleeping next to him. 

Frank, who was now single. And had kissed him again last night. And was still now holding him. 

The bus was still moving, so he was awake earlier than normal. He was a little glad though, as it meant he had a moment to collect his thoughts whilst Frank slept. How could it be possible for someone to look so good whilst they slept? His lips were parted, lip ring still shining even in the dim light of the bunk, and his hair was sticking up at messy angles. He looked beautiful, and Gerard once again wondered how the hell someone as talented and funny and attractive could really want to end a whole relationship because of him. 

Frank did always have a habit of seeing the good in anyone, and he had always been protective of him despite being younger. 

Gerard shifted a little as he looked at him, but it caused the guitarist to stir, groggily opening his eyes and stretching out his legs. 

"Hey" He gave Gerard a lopsided smile "did you sleep okay?"

"Yeah, really well" Gerard felt kind of shy, which was so weird to feel around Frank. But this was a very strange and very new concept. Sure, they used to fall asleep on each other in the van when they were touring, but it was never like this. In the bubble of his bunk, they felt shut away from the rest of the world. 

"Good, I was worried about you last night" Frank reached up and started playing with the ends of his hair.

"I'm fine" Gerard said quickly, not wanting to ruin the moment by talking about the pills and the drink "what about you? Do you feel alright about last night? Luke, I mean."

"I don't regret it Gee" Frank raised an eyebrow "and you need to stop thinking I do. I told you, I would've ended things regardless of what happened between us. But, well, I can't lie and say they are completely unrelated either. I think kissing you gave me the push I needed."

"Where do we go from here?"

"I have no idea" Frank sighed "I just know this feels right, but I'm also terrified of screwing it up."

"Me too" Gerard mumbled "I... You're my best friend and I know it probably isn't a good idea but... well, here we are."

"I care about you so much Gee, I don't want to start something if it's going to stress you out and make you worse... If you just need me to be a friend right now I can do that." Frank still had his hand in Gerard's hair, but he kept it still as he waited for a reply.

"I don't want to just be friends" Gerard admitted "I know I'm a mess but you help, and you always will help, more than anyone."

That was all Frank needed to close the distance between them, pulling Gerard' head towards his by the neck and kissing him. Gerard was surprised at first, but quickly kissed him back, deepening the kiss and moving so that their bodies were pressed together. Their legs had already been tangled, but now he could feel Frank's chest pressed against his. 

The kiss was electric, and when Gerard bit down lightly on Frank's lower lip, pulling at the lip ring, Frank couldn't help but let out a small moan. 

"Shh" Gerard giggled, breaking the kiss only for a second before Frank was reconnecting it, rolling them so that he was now leaning over him, his knee resting between Gerard's leg and his hand running under his t-shirt and lightly up his side. 

Gerard shivered, suppressing his own moan as he was painfully aware that their bandmates were either asleep in the bunks next to them or at best at the front of the bus. 

"Why doesn't this feel weird?" Frank hummed against his lips. 

"I don't know" Gerard admitted "but I'm not complaining."

"It's so different to kissing on stage" Frank was still leaning down over him, and ran his thumb along Gerard's jawline until he reached his chin, where he used it to pull his face up and plant another quick kiss on him. 

"It's better" Gerard smiled "we're not doing it for anyone but us."

"I'm still gonna kiss you on stage too" Frank grinned, falling back down beside him "it's my favourite part of the show."

"Mine too" Gerard was glad the bunk was dimly lit so his blush wasn't so visible. "Do you think anyone noticed you slept in here last night?"

"I don't think so, nobody was up when I got back here and my curtain is shut so unless anyone looked for me we're good" he thought for a moment before he spoke again "do you think we should tell them?"

"Maybe we should wait a little" Gerard bit his lip "I mean, this is so new and I know everyone would have so many questions..."

"I agree. Let's keep this to ourselves for now."

"Okay" Gerard nodded "in that case, we should probably get up before someone comes to wake us up."

"You want coffee, don't you?"

"Yep" Gerard sat up, reluctant to leave their little bubble, but also really craving some caffeine "come on, I'll make you one too."

*

Gerard did his best to act normal around the others, but it proved quite hard to sit around and chat with Frank like he hadn't woken up in his arms. Nobody seemed to question him though, so he must have been doing a decent enough job. 

Frank was receiving most of the attention anyway, as he'd brought everyone else up to date on how he had to decided to end things with Luke. Mikey shot Gerard a questioning look at that, but Gerard pretended not to notice, knowing his younger brother would corner him later on. 

"I hope you're okay" Ray had hugged Frank "breaking up sucks but it sounds like you were doing it for all the right reasons."

"At least we won't have any mushy couple shit going down now that everyone's single again" Bob mused, and then Gerard really did have to try and look anywhere else but in Frank's direction. 

Keeping things to themselves for now was definitely the right call, especially when it came to Bob and his distaste for any sort of romantic behaviour going down on the tour bus. 

"You were just jealous" Frank teased him without missing a beat. 

"What of?" Bob snorted "I've got socks that have more personality than Luke did, and as for Bert McCracken, well, he's a foul smelling piece of shit. Neither of you have any taste in partners whatsoever, seriously."

"We'll have to work on it" Frank chuckled, and this time Gerard couldn't help but meet his eye, a knowing look passing between them both that made his stomach flutter. God, what was he becoming? One kiss from his best friend and he felt like a lovestruck teenager. 

The bus had stopped moving by this point, but nobody had actually bothered to get off it yet, so Gerard decided to seize the opportunity before the conversation started to make him blush. 

"I might go for a walk" he said as he stood up and stretched. 

"We'll see you for soundcheck in an hour" Ray nodded, giving him a reminder. He knew what he meant: don't disappear on us again. 

"I'll be there" he affirmed, and Ray smiled at that. He caught Frank's eye as he left the bus, giving him what he hoped came across as a confident look to let him know he was okay, but just needed some fresh air. Frank knew him better than most, and so also knew that Gerard was an introvert by nature, and needed his time alone to unwind. 

As soon as he got off the bus Gerard lit up a cigarette and headed out, walking past various crew members that were busy unloading their stuff. He knew they were in Indianapolis, but the venue looked unfamiliar, and definitely bigger than the one they'd played last time they were here. 

"Hey" he spun round to see Bert leaning against his own tour bus, also smoking and looking kind of sheepish for once.

"Hey" he replied, taking a long drag of his cigarette and trying to keep his cool. He knew he'd have to speak to him at some point, but he'd also had such a nice morning with Frank that the last thing he wanted was for his day to be tainted by a bust-up with Bert. 

"Listen Gerard, I'm so fucking sorry about the other night-" he began.

"Bert..."

"No, let me finish. Please" he kept his distance as he spoke, obviously weary "I know I fucked up, I came to your show to apologise, but then when I saw you making out with Frank like that, I flipped. And I know I don't have a right to, but I felt so fucking bad..." he paused and took a drag "...that I got way more fucked up than I should've done at that party."

"I don't care that you got fucked up at a party Bert" Gerard sighed "Besides, I shouldn't have punched you first. I care that you were going to let me get beat up by your friends though, that fucking stings."

"I can't stop thinking about it" Bert groaned "I was so wasted, I wasn't thinking straight. And you hitting me kinda sent me into shock, but Gee you have to know I would've snapped out of it and stopped it."

"Eventually? Because you didn't when it counted" Gerard's voice only shook a little bit with the emotion he was currently having to bite back, trying to at least appear calm and collected in front of the guy that had hurt him so badly. 

"I would've" Bert dared to step closer to him at that point "You know that deep down. I was angry so I let you take a punch or two, but I will never be able to explain how bad I felt. I wish they hadn't held Frank back, I deserved everything he was trying to do-"

"That can always be arranged" they both snapped their heads to the left, where Frank was stood, murderous expression on his face. Gerard hadn't heard him walking over, but then again there was plenty of commotion happening around them. 

"Frank-" Gerard warned, eyes wide "it's okay, really."

"Yeah, well, last time you were alone with him it wasn't" he grumbled, stepping closer so that he was stood next to Gerard. They weren't touching, but they were only a few inches apart "so I'd rather stick around and make sure he doesn't try anything."

"Frank, I'm trying to apologise" Bert glared "Gerard's perfectly safe."

"Okay look" Gerard knew he had to wrap up the standoff before it turned ugly "Bert, I appreciate the apology, even if I don't forgive you, either for the cheating or for what happened at the party. But we need to be civil for the rest of this tour, and that applies to both of you too" he turned to Frank with a raised eyebrow "so nobody's fighting anyone, okay?"

Frank gave Bert a final glare as he nodded. 

"Okay" Bert sighed and stomped out his cigarette "well, I'll see you round I guess. You know where I am if you..." he trailed off, words hanging on his tongue. Instead of speaking them, he turned and headed back onto his bus. 

"Come on" Frank's hand was suddenly in his, steering him away from The Used's tour bus and towards the venue "before I change my mind and punch him again."

"Honestly Frankie, it's okay" Gerard sighed as he trailed beside him "we've gotta keep it bearable for the rest of the shows."

"I know, I know" Frank frowned "I'm sorry I came busting in like that, but when I saw you talking to him I couldn't keep away."

"Hey" Gerard squeezed his hand "I appreciate the back up."

"Even though you didn't send one of your cryptic signs for it?"

"Even then" Gerard giggled as they walked into the empty venue "where are we going?"

"To find my guitar. I need to vent."

Sure enough, they found their stuff had been unloaded into the stage wings, so it was easy for Frank to grab Pansy. Bands hadn't started to soundcheck yet, but there were crew members everywhere so they found an empty dressing room. Gerard sat crossed legged on the floor and watched as Frank took the couch, and started to play. 

"Is this new?" He asked when Frank began to play riffs he didn't recognise. Frank just nodded, and Gerard leaned back and closed his eyes, listening to them. Gradually he started to hum alongside, his mind racing as he tried to think of vocal melodies to accompany each riff. 

"It's been ages since we wrote something new" Frank said when he noticed what he was doing. 

"I know. Maybe after this tour we should start thinking about when we're going to start properly getting some new material written" Gerard mused. 

"That sounds like a good idea" Frank moved so he was sat on the floor beside him, guitar still on his lap when he leaned over and kissed him. It was only for a moment or two, but it did the trick of making Gerard's cheeks flame up. "We should do something today, get out of here."

"I'd love to, but I'm pretty sure Brian's booked us a whole load of press interviews in for this afternoon, and a photoshoot too" Gerard remembered with a frown. 

"Ah shit yeah, I forgot" Frank sighed "tomorrow then?"

"Tomorrow sounds perfect."

*

They'd been sat in interviews for most the afternoon, and as much as Gerard loved to talk about the album and the concepts behind it, there was only so much enthusiasm he could muster when the third interviewer in a row asked them what it was like to tour with The Used. Luckily for him, his bandmates had jumped in and taken over each time this question rolled around, giving their own vague answers or talking about any member of the band but the singer. 

The journalist pressed on, asking about tour life. Gerard couldn't remember which magazine he was from now.

"So do you guys like to party after the shows?"

"A little" Frank jumped in "we're not you're stereotypical cool rockstars though."

"Nah, we're massive nerds at heart" Mikey nodded, perking up where he was sat on the end of the sofa. They were on the tour bus, all sat in a row. Gerard was in the middle, his left knee touching Frank's in a way he was paying way too much attention to. 

"Yeah, we like to drink but that's about it" Ray was saying "we definitely don't buy into the groupies and all that side of things. We're not interested in that."

"But you're all single?" The interviewer pressed, trying to get some sort of scoop on what was really just a pair of nerds, a punk, the guitar genius that was Ray Toro, and Bob. All in all, they were no Motley Crue, nor did they want to be. Gerard always found it funny when people assumed they were wild like that. 

"Yeah, we are" he figured it was about time he spoke again "but we don't stand for seeing anyone being objectified. We have a great relationship with our fans and we'd never use our position as leverage like that. It's about mutual respect."

The interviewer nodded, no doubt happy with that quote as something he could use to sell his article. 

"So when can we hear new music from you guys?" He changed topic, and Gerard launched into their future plans, glad to be on safe grounds away from matters of their personal lives. 

It should have made him happy to be sat talking about what he loved most, but as the afternoon wore on he could feel himself sinking lower and lower. He knew why: he was sober. And when he was sober, he only lasted so long before the dark thoughts and unbearably low mood would drive him to relieve himself by any means necessary. 

It never used to be this bad, but that was the thing with drink and drugs; it was so easy to become reliant on them, and by the time you notice it's too late. He no longer felt normal until he was at least a little wasted, or high, and only then did he feel a form of relief that he was currently craving. 

He bit down aggressively on his chewing gum, trying to find some sort of sensory distraction and half listening to Frank and Ray talk about their individual guitar styles and how they merge together. 

Come on he thought to himself. It was only this interview left, and then he'd be able to get out of there and find a beer. He tried not to be quiet, and so did his best to answer the questions thrown his way, but luckily for him Frank seemed to be in a good mood and was happy to spend the bulk of time talking. He smiled as he listened to him tell the story of how he'd kicked over one of Bob's drums on stage the previous night when he'd been trying to climb them. Frank always did know how to make him laugh even when he felt like doing anything but. 

"Well, thank you for your time" the interviewer finally stood up and started to shake their hands.

"Thanks for having us" he smiled for the fourth time that day, still genuine and wanting to be polite, but also desperate to get out of there.

As soon as the guy had stepped off the bus they all dispersed; Mikey grabbed his comics, Frank headed in search of food and Ray and Bob grabbed the video games out. Gerard found himself lingering near the little kitchen-type setup they had onboard, watching as Frank rummaged around in the cupboards. 

"You hungry?" he asked, peering round the cupboard door.

"Nah I'm good" Gerard hummed, and opened the fridge. His hands closed around a can of beer, and he hesitated for a second, but then opened it. 

"You should eat if you're gonna drink" Frank frowned "line your stomach and all that."

"It's just a beer" Gerard waved off his concern with a flick of his wrist and took a swig. 

"I guess" Frank looked like he wanted to say more, and for once Gerard was glad they weren't alone right then because he suspected if they hadn't been within earshot of the others he would have done.

"Here" Gerard got him one out too and placed it on the side "I'm going to go work on my comic." 

He wasn't technically lying. He did want to work on his comic - he hadn't made much progress on it recently - but first he needed to address the more pressing urges within him telling him to down the beer in his hand, and the next one too. He didn't want to be smashed for the show, just a nice level of tipsy-drunk where that new wave of confidence would kick in, and the negative thoughts would be numbed for a little while. 

Frank watched him walk away with a conflicted expression.

*

A few hours and several beers later and Gerard was applying his stage makeup, his mirror propped up against the kitchen counter. He'd gone for purple eyeshadow, and was dabbing it across his left lid when Frank appeared behind him. 

"Do mine for me?" He nodded towards the various powders and eyeliner's scattered across the counter. 

"Of course" Gerard grinned, grabbing the red shadow and a fresh brush "the usual?'

"Sure" Frank nodded and shut his eyes as Gerard started to lightly dust the crimson shade over each of his lids, attempting to get a few even layers "so are you still up for doing something tomorrow? Just the two of us?"

"Of course" Gerard hummed and stopped for a second to take a swig of beer "I've been thinking about it all day."

He placed the shadow down and picked up the eyeliner, starting to draw the X's over each of Frank's eyes. 

"I was thinking we should try and get out of the city, you know?" Frank tried to talk without moving his face too much "I feel like some properly fresh air would do you-I mean, us, good."

"Do me good?" Frank opened his eyes to catch Gerard frowning at him "what do you mean by that?"

"Nothing" Frank rushed "it just gets kinda suffocating always being in the middle of cities right? It would be nice to go somewhere quiet, away from it all."

"I guess" Gerard stepped back to look at his work, but it was hard to be satisfied when Frank's words were still running through his mind "I'm fine though Frankie, you know that right? I don't need babysitting."

"I never said you did."

"Good" Gerard was a little snappier than necessary as he downed the rest of his can, the alcohol giving him more courage than he would normally have "I'm going to get more beer. We're all out."

"We are?" Frank turned and opened the fridge to confirm, clearly remembering how well stocked it had been just a few days prior "oh shit, yeah. How many have you had?"

"A few. I'll get us some more" Gerard shrugged and grabbed his wallet "be back in five."

"We've got a show in half an hour, don't be long."

Gerard didn't reply as he headed out of the bus. Frank knew he'd always make it back in time for the show - he always did, no matter what state he was in. 

*

"We've been My Chemical Romance!" Gerard screamed into the mic with all his force, the show drawing to an end "and we fucking love every single one of you!"

It had been a good show. Not their best and not their worst, just a happy medium. He hadn't kissed Frank, but they'd shared a few moments where they'd caught eye contact and Frank would send him a grin or a wink that threatened to make him blush. 

The crowd's creams and applause were deafening as they exited the stage. It was The Used's turn to headline that night, and although his conversation with Bert the previous day had helped him to get some closure he would still rather avoid him. His bandmates seemed to have reached the same conclusion, as they were all quick to head out the back of the venue and into the parking lot. 

People were drinking and chatting, but on the whole it was pretty tame. 

"We should go out" Gerard frowned as he glanced around "It's not even 10pm yet."

"Sure" Ray nodded "I might have a shower first though. Meet you guys there?"

"Okay, we'll text you."

"I'm not feeling it" Bob shrugged "have fun though."

"Mikey? Frank?" Gerard turned to them "you'll come now, right?"

"Yeah okay" Frank nodded "what's the rush?"

"No rush, just don't want to waste the night" Gerard was more than a little tipsy by this point. His bandmates were used to him being drunk onstage, but they seemed weary of it now. Gerard didn't really get why - he was always drunk on tour, especially during the shows. It was how he coped. They all knew that. "I mean, we're in Kansas city-"

"No, we're in Indianapolis" Mikey corrected "we'll be in Kansas city tomorrow Gee."

"Okay, but you get my point" Gerard continued, undeterred "let's not waste the night."

"Okay" Mikey sighed "but bus call is at 1am and I definitely want to be back way before then."

"It's one drink" Gerard rolled his eyes and started to walk. 

*

It was not one drink. Well, it was only a few for Frank and Mikey, but Gerard was outpacing them and probably drinking two beers for every one of theirs. Ray had joined them after half an hour, but had only stayed for one before heading back to the bus. 

"Hey" Frank's hand closed over his when he placed his now empty bottle down on the bar "totally not trying to babysit here, but do you think you should slow down a bit?"

"I'm fine" Gerard slurred a little. 

"Frank's got a point" Mikey spoke up "you're going have a headache in the morning Gee."

"I don't care" Gerard frowned, glancing between his best friend and brother and not liking the looks they were exchanging with each other. It was like they were having some sort of inside discussion and he was definitely not a part of it. 

"We were going to go out tomorrow, remember?" Frank tried "you don't want to be too hungover and waste the day off. We don't get many to ourselves."

He had him there. Even in his drunk state, Gerard knew he was looking forward to spending time with Frank. It had been weird at first, just them and Mikey, but Frank had just acted like they had nothing to hide, keeping his distance. The mood was changing now, as Frank gave his hand a squeeze and smiled at him, clearly trying a new tactic to get him out of the bar. 

"Of course I remember" he mumbled. 

"Okay, well great" Frank pushed his own beer to the side, unfinished "why don't we go home now then?"

"One more isn't going to hurt-"

"Gerard" Mikey crossed his arms over his chest "come on, we both want to leave but we can't without you."

"Fine" he gave up, recognising the change in his brother's tone. It was like some sort of weird good cop bad cop routine that him and Frank had going on, and he certainly didn't appreciate the way they were coaxing him home, but he was pretty tired too. 

He let them lead him out the bar and back down the street. He stumbled a few times, but all in all they got back to the bus in one piece. Gerard glanced at the clock and saw it was nearly time for bus call, a wave of guilt hitting him when he realised it was far past the time Mikey had wanted to be back by. 

"Night" was all Mikey offered as he headed down to his bunk, leaving Frank and Gerard standing in the kitchen. 

"Here" Frank handed him a glass of water "you should down that."

Gerard just gave a nod and dutifully gulped down the water.

"I'm sorry" he sighed as he placed down the glass, turning to face Frank properly "for snapping at you. I didn't mean it."

"I know you didn't" he gave a small, sad smile "I'm just worried about you, that's all. And having this thing going on" he gestured between them "doesn't really help matters because I don't know if I'm just over-worrying or not worrying enough."

"Hey" Gerard moved closer "it means a lot that you care enough to worry."

"Of course I do" Frank sighed "come on, let's go to bed. This conversation can wait till the morning."

"Okay" Gerard followed him down the corridor and into the bunk room. Frank disappeared to the bathroom whilst Gerard got changed into an old t-shirt and his boxers, and as soon as Frank emerged they swapped. 

As Gerard sloppily brushed his teeth he looked at his own bloodshot eyes and disheveled appearance. What exactly did Frank see in him? 

He was nervous when he emerged into the bunk area, not knowing wether to climb into his own bunk or the one above, but the decision was made for him when he saw Frank was already perched on the edge of his, giving him a questioning look. 

Gerard just nodded eagerly. Neither of them spoke aloud, knowing their bandmates were asleep around them. Instead he climbed up into his bunk and the two of them shuffled around until they were both comfy under the covers, Frank's arm around his waist. 

He wanted to stay up and talk, just enjoy the feeling of their bodies pressed together, but sleep took over far too quickly for any of that. 

*

Gerard woke up late the next day. He'd stirred briefly early on, but then through his sleepy haze had remembered that it was a day off, meaning no soundcheck to rush around for. At that point he'd happily burrowed into Frank's arms and rolled back into sleep within moments, enjoying the warmth he radiated around him. 

There was nothing like sleeping next to someone like that to make you never want to have to sleep alone again. With Bert, it had always just been a consequence of the night before, but with Frank it felt different. Especially when he did finally wake up to feel Frank's calloused fingers running up and down his arm. 

"Gee" he mumbled "it's nearly midday. I feel like one of us should surface soon."

"Mmmh" Gerard groaned and buried his head in the crook of Frank's neck "it's a day off, it can wait."

"Come on" Frank chuckled "we said we'd do something today and as comfy as this is, it would be really nice to get off this bus and see somewhere that isn't another dressing room or parking lot."

"Make me coffee and I'll think about it" Gerard forced open his eyes and looked up. Frank shuffled so they could see each other face to face. 

"Fine, but you better get up whilst I'm making it" he leaned down and kissed him briefly, but Gerard felt his hands automatically move to Frank's neck and hair in an attempt to pull him closer. Frank just chuckled against his lips and pulled back, smirking down at him in a way that was certainly making any form of sleepiness vanish from Gerard's mind. "Come on" Frank moved, shuffling backwards in the tight bunk so that he could swing his legs over the side and push back the curtain. 

Gerard heard him jump down and pulled the duvet around himself tighter, not wanting to get out of the warm cocoon but also feeling the cold space where Franks' body had been. He could hear his muffled conversation with Ray in the next room and knew the smell of coffee brewing would soon hit. 

He sighed into his pillow as he recalled the previous night and his inability to recognise when it was time to stop drinking and go home. He just didn't get how everyone else managed to do it so effortlessly. Sure, there were times when the other guys fucked up and ended their night puking in a bush or getting blackout and passing out on the sofa, but they were rare. When they did happen, it would take them a while before they drank heavily again. But not with Gerard. He struggled to recall the last time he had a drink that didn't end with him slurring words and stumbling to bed, or a time when he'd thrown up and actually been put off alcohol enough not to be back on it within a few days. 

What was wrong with him that he couldn't apply any brakes? The cynical voice in his head said maybe he was just an idiot, whilst a more lenient side of him wondered if he did just have a genuine problem...

"Hey!" his spiralling was interrupted when Frank drew back the curtain completely, a cup of coffee in his hand "okay, you can only have this if you get up so I've left yours in the kitchen." 

"Thank you" Gerard smiled, pushing back the covers and jumping down from his bunk "now that's an offer I can't refuse."

"Yeah, yeah" Frank rolled his eyes "just go get ready so we can head out, okay?"

*

"This whole fresh air business is overrated" Gerard grumbled, arms folded across his chest as he pulled his jacket tighter around him. 

"Okay, so the weather could be nicer" Frank rolled his eyes and turned back to look at him from where he stood a few paces ahead. "But at least we're not in a parking lot or on a bus that smells of sweat, you can't argue with that logic."

They were walking along the side of a river in a park Frank had found. It was still in the outskirts, but Gerard had to admit it didn't feel like they were still in the city. The park sprawled further than he could see, and lots of joggers or dog walkers kept passing them by. Gerard thought they probably looked a bit out of place, especially as he took in Frank with his slight mohawk and neck tattoos, his low rise jeans held up by a studded belt. His lip ring would catch the sun (when it emerged from behind the grey clouds that seemed to be taking up most of the sky) and he definitely noticed it more than he used to. Gerard himself was just in his usual women's cut black jeans and battered leather jacket combination, with a scarf draped loosely round his neck. 

"How are you always so infectiously optimistic?" 

"One of us has to be" Frank grinned, waiting a moment so he could fall into step beside him "anyway, this park is a lot nicer than that one by yours in Jersey."

"The one where they find dead bodies every 2 weeks or the one we used to go get high in?" 

"The one we used to get high in" Frank chuckled at the memory "do you remember when we were trying to smoke that joint in the middle of the big storm?" 

"Oh shit yeah" Gerard's giggle was more high pitched "there was so much wind, and you were determined you could get it lit, but then it kept going out every few seconds..."

"We had to hide under the slide in the kids play area, me and Mikey both came down with colds after that night." 

"Mikey always had a cold, but you didn't want to wear a scarf because you'd just got your scorpion tattoo, show off" Gerard gave him a playful elbow, but Frank used the opportunity to reach out and grab his hand, letting their fingers lock together and hang down by their sides. 

"Yeah, well, maybe I was trying to impress you" Frank's voice was a bit more mumbled, but Gerard heard him loud and clear. 

"But that was years ago..."

"I've always cared way too much about your opinion" Frank sighed "didn't you ever notice that you were the first person I show all my new tattoos too? Or ask their opinion before I get one?" 

Gerard thought back to every time Frank had come barrelling round his house with a new design idea, a ball of energy and a sketchbook of designs, sometimes even asking Gerard to sketch out compositions so they could test them out on different pieces of his skin until they found the perfect spot. Or how Gerard could never bear step into the studio when Frank was getting inked, but Frank would still make him meet him afterwards, covered in cling film and smelling like antiseptic wipes. 

"I guess... I thought you just wanted my opinion because I went to art school..."

"You're dumb sometimes, you know" Frank stopped walking, pulling Gerard to a stop with him. "I didn't ask your opinion because you went to art school - I could've got the tattoo artists to do all that stuff for me. I asked your opinion because I wanted to spend time with you, and because of all the people in my life you were the opinion I valued the most. I couldn't give a shit if anyone else told me not to get a scorpion on my neck or a massive fucking pumpkin on my back, as long as you were impressed, I was happy."

Gerard kissed him then, letting go of his hand so he could grab him by the front of his hoodie and pull him closer, their chests bumping together. He could feel the cold steel of Frank's lip ring digging into his own and pressed into it, deepening the kiss. Frank let out a small moan, and it was enough to stir something deeper within him that had him cursing that they were in a very public place and not back in his bunk. 

He could feel one of Frank's arms wrapped around his waist, the other reaching so he could run a hand through his hair. He moved his head slightly to the side so that they could kiss deeper, and slowly ran his tongue along Frank's lower lip before he bit it. 

"Fuck" Frank broke away, pupils definitely darker than before "you're a really good kisser. And a fucking tease." 

"It's easier when my little brother isn't sleeping 4 metres away" Gerard chuckled, running his thumb down the side of Frank's cheek and then along his jawline, making the guitarist shiver. 

"I don't want to rush" Frank admitted "I mean, it would be so easy to because you're driving me pretty crazy right now..."

"It doesn't feel like we're rushing" Gerard frowned. 

"I know, but I know how much Bert hurt you, and I wouldn't want you to feel like we've jumped into this before you have time to, you know, get over him I guess" Frank broke their eye contact as he finished speaking. 

"Frankie" Gerard's eyes were wide "I don't think you realise how much you mean to me. How much I've wanted this for so long... Bert hurt me, but, I think I always knew we were going to end badly. That's kind of what drew me in. It was messy and toxic and overpowering and... everything I needed to distract myself from how I felt about you."

"You mean that?" 

"Why would I lie? I'm kinda putting everything on the line here" Gerard shrugged, and then Frank was kissing him again, more in control this time as their lips collided and both of Frank's hands were in his hair, and then on his chest, slipping between his jacket and his t-shirt and running down his side. 

Gerard was vaguely aware of a jogger that ran past and gave them a frown, but he just shut his eyes again and leaned more into the kiss. 

"We should definitely do that in private" Frank giggled when they broke apart "I mean, if a fan or someone saw us and took a pic we'd be totally screwed."

"Shit, yeah" Gerard hummed "I think we're safe here though."

"Come on" Frank took his hand again "I think I saw on the map there's a cafe not too far ahead. We can go get coffee and try to be a bit more discreet."

"I'm sorry about last night, you know" Gerard said after a deep breath. He didn't want to ruin the mood, but he could feel it hanging in the air around him. "I know it happens more than it should, and you never complain, but you must get sick of it."

"I'm not sick of it" Frank replied after a moment "it does worry me. But I'm not going to tell you what to do. I know you've been going through a lot recently."

Gerard just squeezed his hand, not sure how else to reply. It seemed to work though, because Frank squeezed back. 

*

The next few days of tour passed in a bit of a blur. Gerard had settled into a routine in which he'd gradually try to drink during the day without attracting too much attention from his bandmates, and then more obviously so when it reached a decent time in the evening. At that point, it was normal for everyone to be drinking, and so he didn't have to hide it so much. 

Then would come the show. They'd been electric, but it was still fairly obvious to his bandmates that he was a bit more fucked up with each one that passed. He hadn't meant to become reliant on something extra to take the edge off - be it pills or coke or just plain old alcohol, but with each show he found himself reaching for them with less and less thought. 

Then would come the after show parties, although he'd been getting earlier nights than he would've done thanks to Frank. 

His decline was not going unnoticed by any of his bandmates, but Frank in particular was becoming more and more desperate in prising Gerard away from the party scene as quickly as he could. He was getting better at it too, as if there was one thing that could tempt Gerard away it was the thought of curling up in his bunk together, shutting out the rest of the world for a few hours. 

It was a Thursday, or at least Gerard was pretty sure it was, and they were drinking in one of the venues dressing rooms with a couple of other bands and some crew. It wasn't a wild night, but Gerard was still outpacing everyone when it came to the amount of beer being consumed. 

"Hey" he felt Frank's hand on his shoulder and leaned in close enough that only he could hear "I'm kinda tired. Come to bed with me?"

"Yeah, I'll be like ten mins" Gerard nodded. They tended to wait before following each other to make it less obvious, but Frank knew that Gerard's interpretations of ten minutes could be a very ambiguous. 

"Okay. I'll see you back there" Frank turned and started to tell the crew members he'd been talking to that he was going to turn in. 

"Ahh, come on Frankie, the night's still young yet" one guy - Gerard couldn't remember his name now - say saying, but Frank was far better at resisting peer pressure than he was. He just laughed it off and changed topics smoothly to something about guitar tech and sound system setups for the next venue. 

And then he was gone, and Gerard had a new beer in his hand, and Bob was talking to him about his plans for when the tour wrapped up. He let himself fall into conversation for a little longer, but eventually his heart won out, and after downing the last few drops of his can he mustered up a yawn. 

"I'm going to bed" he sighed to Mikey, who arched his eyebrow knowingly. 

"Sure" he mused, and Gerard gave him a light elbow. 

"Shut up, I am."

"Okay, well bus call isn't for another hour, so we'll be here if you need us" there was a glint in his little brother's eye that told Gerard he really didn't want to take this conversation any further. 

"Night, Mikes" Gerard rolled his eyes. Mikey had, for the most part, not pressed any further on exactly what was going on between his brother and his best friend. Part of him didn't really want to know, figuring ignorance was definitely bliss in this scenario. But every now and then he'd make a comment or just give Gerard a look that reminded him that they definitely were not fooling him. He knew Frank hadn't slept in his own bunk for well over a week now, and whenever he left the party Gerard would always follow a little later, claiming some unrelated excuse. Really, it didn't take a genius. 

Gerard stumbled a little as he left the venue and headed across the parking lot to the bus, the alcohol preventing him from feeling the cold snap in the air. Instead he barrelled onto the bus, which was comfortingly quiet compared to the loud music and chat that he'd just come from, and kicked off his shoes. 

After he'd downed a glass of water and sloppily brushed his teeth he climbed into his bunk. Frank was already lying down, but quickly scooted over to make room. 

"Hey" he grinned up at him "I thought I'd have to wait longer than this."

"Missed you" Gerard shrugged, any attempt to filter the cheesy thoughts that ran through his head redundant. Frank just leaned across and closed the space between them, kissing him with their chests pressed together. 

Gerard leaned into it as much as he physically could, and then he slipped his leg between Frank's and attempted to tangle their feet together, wanting to touch him at every possible point. He hadn't felt these sort of butterflies when making out with someone since he was sixteen and even then they'd never been accompanied by the sense of security that he felt with Frank. 

Frank moaned softly against his lips, and it was all the encouragement he needed to bite his lower lip, tongue flicking against his lip ring and causing a more audible and longer moan from the guitarist. 

"Fuck, Gee" He gasped, pulling away so he could look him in the eyes "you have no idea what you do to me sometimes."

"Good" Gerard let the alcohol fuel confidence he wouldn't have normally had, and resumed the kiss, this time moving so that their hips bumped together and the friction of his jeans against Frank's pyjama-clad legs had them both gasping into each other's mouths. 

Gerard could feel they were both hard, and it was all he needed to grind down against Frank, trying to establish some sort of rhythm. Frank groaned in this hungry, low tone that made Gerard's head spin from pure want, no, need to hear it again and again right in his ear. 

"Fuck, Frankie" he grabbed a fistful of the guitarist hair and kissed him in a feverish pace, his jeans uncomfortable around him now. 

And then Frank's hands were on the zipper, making quick work of shoving them downwards. They rolled so Gerard was now beneath him, kicking off his jeans as fast as he could and cursing himself for wearing those super tight women's cut ones that take an eternity to wriggle free from. 

"How drunk are you?" Frank asked, pulling back to look down at Gerard's eyes. They could both taste the beer on each other's breath, and neither were sober, but there was a caution in Frank's expression as he tried to take an accurate reading of Gerard's state of mind in the dim lighting of his bunk. 

"I'm fine" Gerard leaned up and ran a hand up the side of Frank's neck until he reached his hairline, making him shudder "I want this, Frankie. I know what I'm doing."

"Okay, I just..." Gerard moved his hips against Frank's, and he had to break off for a moment to bite back a moan "I just, really don't want you to regret anything Gee. If you woke up and this was a blur to you, or you felt like you weren't in control or able to make the decision I-"

"Hey" Gerard kissed him briefly "I want this if you do. And I'd never regret anything with you Frankie, you've gotta know that." 

He'd never had someone stop to check in with him like that during any sort of drunken hookups, even back in his teen years before his drinking had been too much of a problem, and it filled him with warmth. The fact that Frank, so obviously full of lust and hard against him, still wanted to stop and verbally confirm that what he was doing was okay, really did just prove how fucking perfect he was. 

Fuck. Gerard was falling hard. He'd fallen years ago, and maybe he was only just realising it now, but this was all the confirmation he needed. 

And then Frank's lips were back on his, and this time his hand was in his boxers, grabbing him and jerking him off, and just like that any thoughts other than holy fucking shit completely disappeared from Gerard's mind. 

He let out a sharp gasp and let his head roll back, eyes fluttering closed as he tried to remember how to breathe. And then Frank was giggling, pressing kisses down his neck and over his chest, pushing up his t-shirt so he could kiss along his stomach too. 

"Frankie I-" Gerard never did finish that sentence, because that was the moment Frank decided to lick down from his lower belly to the base of his dick. It was all he could do to try not to come that very second, because he was so desperate for whatever came next.

He opened his eyes and looked down just as Frank took him in his mouth, wasting no time in going down on him and trying to take as much as he possibly could, even when he started to gag. 

"Fuck" Gerard moaned, grabbing a fistful of Frank's hair and doing everything he could not to push down. Instead he just panted and gasped and moaned Frank's name over and over as his whole vision swam. "You're so good at that, oh god, oh god.."

He could feel the pressure building inside him, threatening to burst like a bomb any second, but he was also desperate for this to never ever end. 

When Frank looked up at him, all hollow cheeked and fingers digging into his thighs, he knew he was a defeated man. 

"Frank, I'm close, I - I - I'm gunna come" he managed to pant, and Frank just gave him a wink that sent him right over the fucking edge, coming hard. His hips bucked and Frank blinked through his gag reflex before gently pulling off and swallowing a few times. 

"Shit, you're hot" he grinned up at him, and Gerard just grabbed him by the front of his t-shirt and pulled him back up towards him so he could kiss him. It was a sloppy kiss, and Gerard had to shuffle down a bit so he could reach into Frank's boxers and start to jack him off. He could feel how strained he already was, and knew it would be fast work. 

"Oh shit" Frank's eyes rolled back, which was so hot Gerard could've got hard all over again "Gee, I'm close already."

"You're so fucking hot, Frankie" Gerard didn't know where the confidence came from. He'd never normally been one for dirty talk, but now it was falling off his tongue with ease "you looked so good sucking me off like that, I could come again just thinking about it, you-" he didn't need to finish his sentence before Frank was crying out and coming into his hand. 

They both fell backwards, Frank collapsing onto his side whilst Gerard moved his hand kissed him briefly. 

"Be right back" he grinned, jumping down from the bunk and heading to the bathroom to wash his hand. He was only gone a minute tops, but every second he spent outside of the bunk was a second too long. He glanced around at the other empty bunks, making a mental note to thank Mikey for being true to his word when he'd told him they wouldn't all be back for a while yet. 

"Hey" Frank was under the cover when Gerard climbed back in, and he eagerly shuffled under too. Frank's shirt was gone, and his arms were warm as they wrapped around him and pulled him to his tattooed chest so that Gerard could still feel his heart beating erratically. "You okay?" 

"Amazing" Gerard grinned up at him, and leaned up to place a final kiss against his lips "you're amazing."

"I've wanted that for so long" Frank admitted, a yawn escaping him now that the adrenaline was wearing off. "I hope that wasn't too quick for you, I just... you're way too hard to resist sometimes."

"It was perfect, stop worrying" Gerard frowned up at him "and I've wanted it for a long time too."

"Glad to be on the same page" Frank grinned "I guess we should probably get some sleep. The others will be back soon and we've got a long day tomorrow."

"Yeah" Gerard buried his head into the crook of Frank's neck and pushed away all thoughts of the next day, focusing instead on every place their skin was touching and every sleepy breath of Frank's.

He was asleep within minutes. 

*

When Gerard woke up the next day, he was alone in his bunk. The space next to his was still warm though, so he knew Frank had been there recently. The bus wasn't moving, so they must have already arrived at the next venue. 

He stretched and blushed as the memories of the night before raced through his mind in a blur, snippets of Frank's lips, his expressions, the feel of him-

Gerard sat up before he could get too lost in it all again, and pulled on a hoodie and his jeans, figuring he'd shower later on. The hoodie was one of Frank's, but he'd left it in his bunk and it was a bit big on him anyway. Plus, Gerard really liked how it smelt of him. God, he was turning into a sappy mess when it came to Frank, and the worst thing was he was loving every second of it. 

When he walked into the living area Ray and Frank were both sat with their guitars in their laps jamming. The riffs sounded new, and Gerard grinned and sat down across from them, tapping his foot along. Mikey was sat playing video games, but looked up to give his brother a brief smile. 

Frank glanced away from where his hand was dancing skilfully across the frets to meet his eyes, sending him a small, almost shy smile. Gerard focused all his energy on not blushing, but it was fucking difficult when all the memories kept pouring into his mind. 

Mikey glanced at his choice of hoodie and raised his eyebrow ever so slightly, but luckily at that moment he lost his game, and was quickly distracted. 

"Motherfucker" he grumbled, chucking his controller next to him on the couch "I keep getting beat by 13 year olds on this damn thing."

"You are a bit hungover" Ray laughed "maybe we can blame it on that."

"Maybe" Mikey sighed "I haven't been sleeping great recently."

"Only a few more shows left of this tour, then you can get some decent sleep" Frank mused. 

"We're going straight to Japan after this though, right?"

"Yeah, but we've got hotels there. Actual hotel beds, duvets and walls and no fucking motion sickness" Frank grinned before turning to Gerard "plus, it's like all of our favourite place to visit."

"Hell yeah" Gerard grinned "can't wait." 

He hadn't given as much thought to Japan as he normally would've done. Even though it was only a matter of days away, it still seemed far off to him. Like he was only really comprehending each day as it came and inevitably wizzed by, a blur of drinking and then the show, then the afterparty, and passing out in his bunk next to Frank. 

*

Gerard didn't get a moment alone with Frank until the end of soundcheck. They'd finished going through Cemetery Drive, and Bob was going through some stuff with the drum technician, but the rest of them were done. 

"Hey"Frank crossed the stage to his side, guitar still draped over his shoulder.

"Hey" Gerard let a tiny blush creep across his face, hyperaware that this was their first proper conversation they'd had since the night before. The others were well out of earshot, but all the same he moved across to the wings of the stage as he spoke "you should've woken me up this morning. I wouldn't have minded."

"You were in a deep sleep" Frank shrugged as he placed his guitar on the rack "and you looked cute too." If he hadn't been blushing before, Gerard definitely was now. 

"Deep sleep in a bus bunk is sacred" he nodded with a soft smile. 

"A lot of things in bus bunks are" Frank smirked and turned to give him his full attention, clearly loving the way Gerard's cheek were aflame and his eyes darted around to see if anyone had heard them. "You okay about last night? I mean, was it-"

"Frank, it was amazing" he reached out and grabbed Frank's hand, squeezing it tightly "you were amazing. I just still can't believe that I get that, to see you that way and, well, it's all just kinda crazy to me."

"Me too" Frank squeezed back "but it was perfect. I just wish I could have you to myself like that more often, y'know. It's going to be even harder to keep my hands off you now."

"There's no way we'll get another free bus opportunity" Gerard nodded "it's hard enough hiding you sneaking out my bunk every morning."

"Well, maybe we should change that" Frank frowned "I mean, I know we said we wouldn't tell anyone, but it's been a while now, and I think people are getting suspicious. I mean, neither of us are good at hiding how we feel about each other."

"Mikey knows somethings going on between us" Gerard nodded "I er, kinda told him the day after we kissed, when Luke was here. You know how good he is at getting stuff out of me. And I haven't told him anything outright about us since, but I think he assumes..."

"Yeah, I figured he'd catch on. And as much as Ray wouldn't say anything, I doubt he hasn't noticed something."

"So do you think we should, you know, tell them properly?" Gerard knew it was a big step, and bit his lip in worry as he waited for Frank's reply. 

Frank just reached up to tuck some of Gerard's hair behind his ear, leaving his hand to linger on his cheek. 

"Yeah, I think we should, if you're comfortable with that."

"I am. When though?"

"We've not got any interviews lined up this afternoon, I say let's get it over with now."

Gerard leaned forward and kissed him, right there in the wings of the stage. There were only the odd crew member around, but it was still so liberating to not care anymore. He wanted the world to know Frank was his, and he kissed him with a fierce passion that Frank eagerly returned, letting his hand get tangled up in Gerard's hair. 

"Oh..." 

they both jumped apart at the sound of the familiar voice, and turned to see Bert stood a few meters away. 

"Well, I guess that makes a lot of sense" he hummed as he looked between the pair with a relatively neutral expression. There was definitely something behind his eyes though - a mix of anger and confusion that he was desperately trying to hide. 

"Bert -"Gerard started, but he cut him off. 

"No, it's fine, you don't have to explain" Bert waved his hand in a dismissive manner "I knew someone else would snap you up sooner or later, I just didn't think it would be him."

Frank glanced across at Gerard, trying to read him. Gerard could feel how tightly Frank was gripping onto his arm, and knew he was trying his best to hold back and bite his tongue. 

"Nothing happened between us whilst we were together" Gerard sighed, knowing he owed Bert that much. The amount of times he'd kissed Frank onstage meant he knew Bert's mind must have been wandering as to exactly when this had begun. It wouldn't be jumping to conclusion if he'd suspected an overlap, but Gerard definitely didn't want him to believe that. 

"It's not like I can take the moral high ground when it comes to loyalty" Bert gave a dark chuckle "but I believe you. There's no way Frank's the type to share. And you're certainly not the type to cheat."

"Well, I'm glad we cleared that up" Frank moved so he was stood slightly in front of Gerard, moving his arm so he could hold him by the waist "but if that's it, we'll be leaving."

"Fair enough" Bert nodded, but didn't break eye contact with Gerard "I was wrong you know, when I said we were perfect for each other. Two fucked up people are not a good formula. You need someone to ground you and treat you good, and I can't give you that."

"Thank you" was all Gerard could manage, and then with that Bert walked past them and out onstage, the rest of his band already out there and waiting to start their own soundcheck. 

"Well, that went better than expected" Frank hummed "I still want to punch him, even when he's being all redemptive and reflective. It's kinda annoying really, because I don't have an excuse to."

"No more punching" Gerard rolled his eyes and pulled Frank towards the exit "we're past that. I've moved on, and I'm sure he has too. Now come on, let's go find the others."

*

"This seems a bit formal" Bob frowned, glancing round the bus. He, Ray and Mikey were sat on the sofa, and Gerard and Frank were sat across from them. Frank had dragged Bob out his bunk where he'd been trying to nap, and Gerard had pried Mikey and Ray away from their video games in order to sit them down, but so far they hadn't given any inclination as to what they wanted to talk to them about. 

"Yeah, what's up guys?" Ray frowned "has something happened?"

Mikey remained quiet, but raised his eyebrow at his brother, a knowing glint in his eye. Gerard shot him a look back, giving the slightest nod of his head. It was all his brother needed to know he was on the right track, and so he sat back and crossed his arms with a smile. 

"Kinda" Gerard gulped, strangely nervous. It was like him and Frank being a secret had been a safety net to him - like it was almost hard to believe. But by telling everyone it was suddenly so very very real, and that scared him. 

"Good or bad?" 

"Good" they both said at the same time. Frank smiled, and leaned over to take Gerard's hand. 

"I dunno if you've noticed, but I haven't really been sleeping in my own bunk for a while..." he trailed off, and confusion changed to clarity on Ray's face. 

"Oh" he smiled "you mean, you two are like, a thing?" 

"Yeah" Gerard nodded "I mean, it's very new, and we're still figuring stuff out, but we don't want to hide it either."

"God, am I living with a couple now?" Bob rolled his eyes, but he was smiling "glad you both took my advice and found someone decent for once. Although if I hear any nocturnal activities I will flip my shit, got it?" 

"Got it" Frank chuckled. 

"I take it you already knew about this?" Ray asked Mikey. 

"Kinda, not completely though" Mikey grinned "enough to put two and two together. They're both shit at hiding it, I don't know how you guys didn't figure it out sooner."

"I didn't wanna pry" Ray shrugged "but yeah, I've always thought you two seemed a bit infatuated with each other."

"Did everyone else see it before we did?" Gerard giggled, turning to Frank. 

"Yes" Mikey rolled his eyes "it's painfully obvious. If you hadn't finally figured it out I would've had to intervene and lock you in a room till one of you cracked and declared your love or something." 

"We figured it out in the end" Frank protested "we just had a lot of obstacles in the way."

"Yeah, obstacles you both put there"Mikey stood up "i'm going back to my game. I'm really happy for you both though."

"Thanks Mikes" Gerard grinned, and leaned back into the sofa, letting Frank's arm snake round his shoulders. He leaned into it, loving how natural and perfect it felt to be doing this in the middle of the bus, like it had always been that way. 

*

It was the last night of tour.

Gerard finished his beer in record speed and threw it into the nearby bin. He hadn't had a lot to drink yet, but he'd been doing bumps of coke for the past hour or so, and there was still time for at least one more hit before they went onstage.

Frank had been doing some sort of interview, and then everyone had been packing up their stuff on the bus ready for flying to Japan, so the others hadn't really been keeping close enough an eye on him to notice his frequent bathroom trips.

Mikey had definitely noticed his hands shaking when he was applying his stage makeup. He was trying to do his eyeliner now, using all his strength to keep a steady hand as he rolled the pencil against his waterline before smudging it the perfect amount.

"You doing okay, Gee?" he asked quietly as he flat ironed his hair.

"Of course" Gerard rushed "just the last show of tour, gotta be a good one y'know?"

"It's always a good one" Mikey frowned "you know that, right? You're always incredible up there."

"Thanks Mikes" he gave him his best reassuring grin "so are you."

He'd finished his eyeliner by this point, and leaned back to look at his reflection in the shitty bus mirror. He was happy enough, and practised his most convincing smile before he turned and grabbed his jacket, shrugging it on.

He'd been feeling so fucking low all day, but the coke and beer was starting to take effect, and he knew he'd have enough energy to see himself through the show. The kids in the crowd needed him to be strong, even when he felt at his weakest.

Ray, Frank and Bob were already in the venue, so he waited for Mikey outside the front of the bus, lighting a cigarette to pass the time.

The venue was always a buzz of excitement and mania before shows, but he could tell it was the last night. Everyone was excited for the wrap party, and sad that it was over too. Some were excited to get home to their loved ones, others dreading the mundane life back home off the road.

Gerard wasn't sure how he felt. The tour had certainly been a rocky one - everything that had happened with Bert, his spiralling, Frank.

Frank. They had Tokyo next, but what would happen after that? He hated the thought of returning to his flat in Jersey and sleeping alone again. He hated to think how much he'd end up drinking without Frank there to distract him and pull him away to bed. And he especially hated how scared he was that things would change off the road. He knew Frank cared for him deeply, but would it be enough to put up with all his shit?

"Ready" Mikey snapped him out of his thoughts when he appeared next to him, and Gerard dropped the remains of his cigarette onto the floor, stomping it out with his worn boot.

When they got to their dressing room they found Brian had beaten them there, and was talking to Ray. Bob and Frank were sat on the sofa. Frank had done his own makeup, and Gerard loved how amazing he looked with his eyes rimmed in red, the crosses drawn on in thick eyeliner over each eye. His hair was getting long and falling into his face, and he had to hold back the temptation to just cross the room and brush it away, cup his whole face in his hand and-

"Gerard! Mikey!" Brian was pulling him in for a hug then, distracting his wandering mind.

"Hey Brian" he grinned, trying to resist the restlessness surging through his body.

"I was just saying to Ray what an amazing tour this has been. I think we could probably increase the production budget for the next one too-"

"Can we get pyro?" Frank immediately piped up "you know how much I want pyro Brian."

"I'm aware" Brian rolled his eyes "I was thinking more ticket tape cannons, or some cool lighting backdrops, but I'll have a word and see what I can do."

"We should have dancers" Gerard hummed "maybe some more props..."

"Let me figure out the budget, and then we can brainstorm it properly" Brian laughed "trust you to be the only rock band wanting backing dancers."

"It could work" Ray shrugged "Gerard's artistic vision hasn't failed us yet, and I doubt it ever would."

"Thanks man" Gerard grinned.

"Anyway" Brian pressed on "I need to go check on the other bands, but we're having a huge wrap party tonight. All the bands, all of the crew, all the management, it's going to be fucking awesome. You guys are all coming, right?"

"Of course" Gerard answered immediately, and Bob and Ray nodded in agreement. Mikey and Frank exchanged a quick look between them that Gerard almost missed, but he was in too good a mood to dwell on it right then.

"Yeah, we'll all be there" Frank nodded, almost reluctantly, but Brian didn't dwell on it.

"Great, that's the attitude. Break a leg out there guys" and with that he was gone, no doubt a hundred things on his to-do list.

"5 minutes guys"one of the crew members called into the dressing room.

"I'll be right back" Gerard quickly headed in the direction of the toilet.

"Be quick yeah?" Frank called after him, but at that point he was already ducking into the bathroom. It was small space, and he did genuinely need to pee, but as soon as he was done he fished the bag out of his pocket and his driver's license from the other, making a makeshift line on the side of the grimy sink. He pressed a finger against one nostril and inhaled with the other, feeling the powder shoot up into his brain in seconds, hitting like pure euphoria.

"Gerard?" Mikey called through the door "two minutes till stage."

"Coming now!" He flushed the toilet and shoved the stuff back in his pocket before he opened the door. All his bandmates looked up at him, and there was an atmosphere in the room that told him they had definitely been talking about him in the moments he'd been gone.

"You ok buddy?" Ray asked, seeming almost nervous.

"Of course" Gerard furrowed his eyebrows in confusion "are you?"

"Yeah, yeah, just checking up on you" he rushed.

"I'm fine guys. Come on, last shows always the best one" he grinned and turned to Frank, who gave him a soft smile in return.

"Let's go people!" A stage hand was yelling, and they started to file out towards the wings. Frank hung back, and grabbed him by the elbow before he could pass through the door.

"You've er, got something on your nose Gee" he sighed, and the sadness in his eyes made Gerard's heart falter, the guilt tearing through him as he feverishly wiped away the traces of coke clinging to his nostril.

"Oh" was all he managed. "Frank, I-"

"We can talk about it later" Frank bit his lip "but please, please can we talk about it Gee? I don't want to pry, you know I don't but I can't not talk about it anymore. I need, I need to know you're going to be okay."

"I promise, we'll talk" Gerard gulped shakily "please, please don't be angry Frankie. I can't-"

"Hey" Frank ran his thumb across his cheek "i'm not angry, okay? I just want us to talk about it all. We're fine, okay?"

"Okay" Gerard gulped.

"Frank! Gerard! We're on now!" they heard Ray yell, and then Frank's hand was in his dragging him through the wings, only letting go when he had to grab his guitar and walk on first.

Gerard only had a few seconds to himself, but he used them to take a deep breath and try to steady himself.

Then he was launching himself onto the stage to the deafening screams, letting his high course through him, mixing perfectly with the adrenaline being onstage gave him.

The show went pretty perfectly. All of them were using every ounce of energy in their being, especially Frank. He was throwing himself all over the stage, climbing on Bob's drums, and even crowd-surfed at one point. Ray was shredding, Mikey never missed a note, and Gerard held himself together pretty well. He screamed and sang with everything in his being, because he knew if he just kept going, kept performing, then there would be no time to think about any of the dark thoughts that had been haunting him all day, or the look on Frank's face before the show.

Instead, he focused on the faces in the crowd, and the way they were screaming every word with him. Shows like these were what he lived for. They were the only time he felt truly bigger than himself, truly worth something to everyone in the crowd.

"You've been fucking magical" he yelled "and this is our last song. It's called Skylines and Turnstiles."

He screamed every word with everything he had, and as the last notes of the song rang out around him, he stood still, just taking it all in for a moment.

Of course, the minute he stepped offstage all that energy came crashing down around him, as he was left with the ringing in his ears where the crowd's screams had once been.

He plastered on a smile to high five everyone, and waited for the others to finish putting away their guitars.

"I'm gunna have a shower and then we can go check out this party" Ray said once they were out of the wings.

"Yeah, me too" Frank turned to Gerard "you coming back to the bus?"

"Yeah, that sounds good" Gerard nodded, and Frank instantly relaxed a little "let's go."

*

When they got back to the bus it was a chaotic mix of them all waiting their turn for a few sacred minutes in their shitty bus shower, Mikey trying to make cheese toasties for them all and various people phoning home. Ray was on the phone to his girlfriend, and Frank called his parents briefly, and although Gerard knew he should probably do the same the minute he jumped out the shower and pulled some clothes on he knew all he really wanted was another beer.

"You guys nearly ready?" He asked, hovering by the fridge door.

"Yeah, I'll be two secs" Frank called back from the bunk area.

"cool" he grabbed a beer and opened it, figuring 'two secs' was probably enough time for him to drink a decent amount in. He was nervous to talk to Frank, and although he knew drinking more wasn't a good idea in the long term, it was a very hand short term solution. 

"Ready" Frank emerged, looking great in his smashing pumpkins t-shirt, his studded belt holding up his low rise jeans. 

"Did you wanna... er, talk?" Gerard made himself make eye contact when he spoke, trying to scan Frank's emotions. He'd said he wasn't angry, but Gerard was terrified he was and was just hiding it. 

What if Frank was fed up with him? What if he was just waiting till after tour, or after Japan, and then he'd take a step back? He wouldn't blame him in the slightest, he knew what a mess he was becoming, and yet he also didn't know if he'd be able to go back to living without him by his side all the time. 

"Maybe we should save it for the morning" Frank's smile seemed genuine "I mean, you're not sober now, and i've had a fair few beers too, and nights like these tend to be heavy ones. I'm not angry with you, and I don't want to ruin your night."

"It's okay if you're angry" Gerard mumbled, trying to resist the urge to take a swig of his beer "I mean, I shouldn't keep it from you..."

"Hey, it's okay" Frank kissed him gently "just... try not to do anymore tonight yeah?"

"Okay" Gerard nodded, and Frank laced their fingers together. 

"Great, let's go have a good night." 

*

The party was in full swing, and it was just as wild as Gerard had expected. Luckily, Bert was keeping his distance, and seemed to mainly be on his own tour bus, so he hadn't had to mix with him. Just as well, because Frank was drinking pretty heavily and Gerard did not want any more punches being thrown in his name. 

He was pretty drunk, and stood with Ray and Frank as they spoke to one of the opening bands. Every now and then Frank would put an arm round his waist, or give his hand a squeeze in reassurance, but Gerard's stomach was still in knots. 

He knew he was being irrational, and yet there he was, mind still racing over his and Frank's relationship at a million miles an hour no matter how much beer he consumed. They hadn't even properly put a label on things, and yet he was going out of his mind thinking about how things would work back in Jersey. 

He knew how attractive Frank was. Hell, he'd witnessed countless amounts of people flirt with him no matter where in the world they went. Would he really be enough for him when he could have his pick of anyone he knew? 

"I'm gunna go find Mikey" he mumbled to Frank, managing not to slur his words too badly. 

"Do you want me to come with you?" Frank asked with a small smile, glancing around the room. They were in a bar opposite the venue, and although there had been a few fans in there when they first arrived most had left by now. 

"Nah, it's fine, I think he's in the smoking area." 

"Okay" Frank gave his hand a brief squeeze before letting him go. 

Gerard stumbled through the crowd and outside, letting the fresh air hit him. It felt great against his flushed drunken skin, and he closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath, steadying himself. 

"Hey man" he opened his eyes to see one of the lighting guys watching him from where he stood against the wall "you okay?"

"Oh yeah, fine - it's Joe, right?" 

"Yeah" he nodded "you're looking a little peaky."

"I'm fine" he rushed "i'm just looking for Mikey - have you seen him?"

"I think he headed back to the buses" he nodded "not too long ago though - ten minutes or so. I'm sure you could catch him. It's probably best you head back." 

"It's the last night of tour, i'm allowed to drink" Gerard snapped a little, but Joe was undeterred. 

"I know, just trying to look out for you dude."

"Thanks" Gerard mumbled, suddenly overcome with guilt for snapping at the guy when he was just trying to be friendly. "I'll, er, see you around." 

He stumbled across the road and into the venue, completely forgetting to tell Frank he'd left in the process. There weren't many people around, so he decided in his drunk haze to take a walk through it. 

He walked out into the main room, standing where mere hours ago hundreds of kids had been pushing and jumping and screaming his lyrics back at him. Now it was silent, the stage dark and empty. The only lights still on were coming from the bar. 

He let his legs carry him over to it, and his gaze fell on the fridges, still stocked with drink. 

He knew he didn't need to drink anymore. 

He knew it, and yet he placed two hands on the bar and hauled himself up, rolling over the sticky worktop and falling messily behind it. 

He'd just sneak one beer. It would be funny. Bob would find it funny, right?

Frank won't the voice in his head said, but he pushed it away, and opened the fridge door. 

The first beer seemed to disappear the minute it touched his lips, but then he found a small plastic bottle of wine that lasted a little longer. Or at least he thought it did, time was moving at a blurred pace. He was sat on the floor, knees to his chest and empty bottles at his side, trying to remember what exactly it was he'd come here for. Had he been looking for someone? He couldn't really recall. 

His eyes were getting heavy where he'd been sat down too long, and as much as he longed for his bunk, and to curl up next to Frank, the bar floor actually seemed surprisingly comfy. 'How weird' he thought to himself 'the floor is a lot more comfortable than they give it credit for.' 

He figured he'd just have a nap, just for a little while. Then he'd head back to the bus and find Frank. 

He passed out the moment his head touched the ground. 

*

Gerard's dream was blurred and incoherent, a mix of faces and strange imagery. He was gradually becoming aware of a pounding in his head, the dryness on his lips and the discomfort that radiated throughout his whole body, particularly across his back and shoulders. He was lying on something hard, and it definitely wasn't his bunk. 

There was noise too - a voice. A voice that was calling his name. He desperately tried to get comfortable and failed, and with a groan tried to open his eyes. 

"Gerard?" 

That sounded like Frank, only his voice sounded hoarse, and had this desperate edge to it. 

As he blinked open his eyes, he glanced around to see he was on the floor of the bar, lying between the fridge and the counter, a fair few empty bottles around him. His whole body felt like it had been hit by a truck, and his stomach was doing somersaults. 

Fuck. How long had he been out? 

"Gerard?" Frank's voice sounded nearer. 

"mmph" was all that came out his mouth at first, but he managed to pull himself together enough to call back. "Frank?" he tried, more audibly this time, and within seconds he heard the sound of feet running, closer and closer. 

"Gerard? Oh, shit" and then Frank was jumping over the bar, landing next to him on the floor with a thud. Gerard did his best to pull himself into a sitting position, and Frank helped him up. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked like he'd been crying. 

"Frank? What... what's the time?" Frank didn't reply, just flung his arms around him and pulled him to his chest, holding onto him like he could disappear at any second. Gerard clung onto him, burying his face in his familiar smashing pumpkins t-shirt and trying to make the room stop spinning. 

"I was so scared" he heard him mumble into his hair "I... Gee, I thought... I don't know. I couldn't fucking find you, nobody could, and we looked everywhere... I..." 

"I'm so sorry" Gerard croaked in reply, the guilt so painful it was almost unbearable. He'd done this to Frank, he'd caused those bags under his eyes, those tears. 

"I let you leave that bar alone, I don't know why I fucking did it, I thought you'd be back, and then you weren't, and you said you'd gone to find Mikey but he hadn't seen you and then all I could think about were all the things that could've happened to you if you'd wandered off, or been attacked or-" and then Frank was crying, fresh tears falling down his cheeks. 

Gerard reached up to brush them away with his thumb, and pulled him impossibly closer. 

"This is not your fault Frankie" he whispered "it's me, it's all me. I went looking for Mikey, and then I saw the bar, and I just couldn't stop myself. I wanted to stop Frankie, I knew I should, I'm just so fucking weak. You don't deserve this..."

"I thought - I thought that if i was everything Bert wasn't, If I could love you hard enough it would be enough to stop it, I thought if I brought it up and spoke to you about it you might not want that, that it would be too much, but Gee I can't watch you do this to yourself. It's killing me too." 

"Frank.." Gerard could feel his own tears pooling in his eyes "I... I thought I could fix it too, I really did. Being with you, it numbs it all, if only for a moment. But... i've got a problem Frankie. It's bad, so much worse than I wanted to admit. I can't keep hurting you and Mikey and the others like this, but I can't fucking stop myself either. I want to stop, I want to be better for you, I thought I could be stronger..."

Frank looked at him with wide eyes, knowing this was the first time Gerard had ever admitted this aloud. 

"Just please, please don't leave me Frankie. I know it's selfish to ask, but I can't fucking do this without you. I can get better, I can-" 

Frank kissed him roughly, hands on either side of his face, fingers in his tangled hair. 

"Don't be an idiot, I'm not going anywhere" he breathed against his lips as they broke apart "I'm in love with you. I want to help, but you've got to let me Gee. We all want to help you through this." 

"Okay" Gerard mumbled "I'll get proper help, I'll do anything."

A smile spread across Frank's face, and Gerard had never been so relieved to see one. 

"Why don't we start by getting you out of here and in the shower, yeah?" Frank tried to smooth down his hair, but quickly gave up "I'll make you some food, and you can brush your teeth, and then we'll figure out what to do about this, yeah?" 

"Please" he nodded, and let Frank pull him to his feet. His legs were shaky, but he could stand okay. "I don't know if I can climb over this bar again." 

"Wait a sec" Frank climbed on top of it and turned around "give me your hands, come on, I'll help you over." 

Sure enough, Frank helped haul him over the bar, and as soon as he was over grabbed him by the hand and lead him out of the venue. 

"Come on, we better find the others too. Me and Mikey wanted to phone the police, but Ray said it's better we search everywhere round here properly before we do so they'd take us more seriously." Fresh guilt stabbed through Gerard at his words. 

"How long has it been?" 

"You left the bar at like 1am, I got back here at 2 and found out you were nowhere to be seen, then by the time I'd woken everyone up and started searching it was probably 3, now it's... he glanced down at his phone screen "6am. So yeah, you've been out for a while. I searched the venue first as well, but I didn't think to look behind that damn bar..."

"Shit..." he trailed off as they stepped outside and saw that, sure enough, the sun was beginning to rise. 

"Come on" Frank pulled him towards the bus "let's let them know you're okay so they can get some sleep, and then we'll get you sorted out." 

When he climbed onto the bus Mikey was pacing the living area. The second he saw Gerard he flung himself across the room and clung to his brother in a death-grip hug, long arms wrapping around him. 

"I thought..." he trailed off, unable to voice his thoughts. 

"I know" Gerard just mumbled back "I'm so so sorry Mikey. I fucked up, big time." 

"Yeah you did" he turned, Mikey still clinging onto him, to see Bob in the doorway, looking tired "but we're just glad you're safe man. Don't scare us like that again." 

"Thanks Bob."

"Is he here?" Ray came running onto the bus then, Brian following behind him "oh shit, thank fuck for that" he sighed as soon as he took in the scene in front of him, and immediately crossed the room to hug Gerard. Mikey reluctantly let him go so he could hug him back. 

"I'm so sorry Ray" Gerard sighed as he pulled away. Frank and Mikey were lingering either side of him like they were worried he was going to collapse or disappear if they so much as took their eyes off him, whilst Ray and Brian sat down, looking exhausted. 

"What happened?" Brian frowned "these guys woke me up saying you were missing, and now you turn up looking like shit and smelling like a liquor store. I'm all for you having fun on the last night of tour Gerard, but this is a bit extreme..." 

"I'm so sorry, you must all be exhausted" Gerard's voice cracked a little "I... I know this is a problem. I know it can't go on like this. I'm so sorry I've put you all through it again, and worse this time..."

"Hey" Ray gave him a reassuring, sad smile "it's okay Gee. We're here for you, okay? Just don't do that to us again." 

"I won't, I promise you. I can't tell you how awful I feel." 

"You can't change what happened" Mikey mumbled "but we can all help you get through this Gee. You've just got to let us." 

"I will." 

"I owe you an apology" Brian sighed "I didn't realise things had got like this. I've been managing too many bands and not giving you attention you needed. I didn't even know your drinking was a problem.." 

"It's not just drink" Gerard sighed, and looked to Frank, who gave him an encouraging nod "it's cocaine too. and pills. Just anything I can get my hands on really." 

"Shit" Brian sighed "okay, I'm going to be here for you properly Gerard. We can get you clean, we can sort this. We could postpone Tokyo-" 

"No" Gerard's eyes grew wide "no, no, the shows have to keep going Brian. I can't cancel on them, not when it's in a matter of days."

"Are you sure?" Ray frowned "you know we'd all back your decision Gee."

"Yeah" Bob nodded "your health has gotta come first."

" I can do it, I can make it through, it's only a short trip, and then we can go back to Jersey and i'll get proper help, I'll fix it. Please guys" he looked desperately between his bandmates, who all seemed conflicted. 

"If you want to do Tokyo" Frank eventually nodded "then we'll do it. But none of us are gunna drink a single drop the whole trip, agreed?" everyone nodded. 

"You'll be going through withdrawals" Brian frowned "someone will need to keep an eye on him the whole time, and share a hotel room too. He can't be left on his own till he's got proper help." 

"Me and Frank were going to share a room anyway" Gerard blurted out, and Brian raised an eyebrow, seeming to think about it for a moment before giving a small smile. 

"Okay, well that sounds like a good idea. But I want you to know this is your decision Gerard. If you can't do the show, just tell me. The record label will help too - we can help pay for rehab if you like." 

"Can I think about it?" he asked quietly, and Brian nodded. 

"Of course. Right now I think it's a good idea everyone gets some sleep, myself included. The bus will drive us to the airport this afternoon, and then we've got an overnight flight, so you're all going to need some energy" he stood up and gave Gerard a brief hug "and I know you aren't exactly renown for personal hygiene, but take a damn shower."

Gerard gave a small laugh at that. 

"Thank you Brian." 

"It's okay" and with that he left. 

"I'm going to go to sleep" Bob yawned "glad you're okay man." 

"Me too" Ray stood up and followed him. 

"You're going to be okay, you know" Mikey sighed, turning to face his brother properly "you're so much stronger than you think you are. We're going to get you through this." 

"I'll get better" he nodded, and Mikey gave him a final hug before walking to his bunk. 

"Come on" Frank handed him a big glass of water "drink this, then go shower, I'll make you some food whilst you're doing that. And then you can sleep in an actual bunk, and not on some sticky floor." 

"Sounds perfect" Gerard nodded, beginning to gulp down the water, which tasted pretty incredible. 

He took his time in the shower, letting the hot water hit all the points where his muscles were aching, and washed his hair too, trying to scrub away all traces of the night. When he stepped out he felt considerably more alive, and threw on his skeleton onesie. 

He shuffled his way back to the living area of the bus, where Frank had made him a cheese toastie, at which point he realised just how hungry he was. 

"This is the best toastie i've ever tasted" he all but moaned through mouthfuls, causing Frank to giggle. 

"Just wait till we're back in Jersey and I cook you my mac n cheese. You're going to love it." 

"Frankie?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Will you..." he trailed off, nerves hitting him hard. 

"What is it Gee?" Frank leaned over and placed a hand over his. 

"Will you stay with me? In Jersey. I don't think I can be alone there, and I don't want to be without you." 

"Of course" Frank grinned "did you really think I was going to let you go home on your own? I'm going to take care of you Gee." 

"Thank you" Gerard let himself relax more, feeling clean and fulfilled. Frank pushed some painkillers over to him on the counter. 

"Take these for your head, and then we can go to bed, yeah?" 

"Yes please" he nodded, and downed the pills "you must be exhausted." 

"I am" Frank took his hand and lead him through to the bunk area. They climbed into Gerard's bunk, and Frank pulled the curtain behind them, shuffling down so he could wrap an arm around Gerard's waist. He pulled their bodies together tighter than normal, like he was trying to reassure himself that Gerard was indeed right there with him. Gerard let a pang of guilt flutter through him, and pressed himself against Frank as tightly as he could. 

He'd thought admitting his problem would've made it worse, but even despite feeling utterly shit and in a lot of pain, he still felt like a weight had lifted off his chest. No longer did he feel alone in this. He felt like his bandmates, and especially Frank, were right there at his side, and maybe that was what he needed to get him through. 

He fell asleep to the sounds of them all sleeping in their bunks, Frank's light snores in his ear, and slept more peacefully than he had in weeks. 

*

Gerard was sat in the airport and feeling rough as hell. He was wearing his sunglasses to try and shut out the brightness and business of the terminal as best he could, and sat clutching his second coffee he'd bought since they'd been waiting for their gate to start boarding. His head still throbbed, but it was bearable, and the body shakes weren't so bad. 

"We should get sushi" Frank's voice brought him back to reality. He was sat across from him, making his way through a bag of sweets "once we get to Tokyo. We could try and find that amazing place we found when we were there last that had the veggie options. If you're up for it, of course." 

"I can manage sushi Frankie" Gerard smiled "i'm not completely broken."

"I know" Frank offered him a sweet, but he shook his head, not feeling like eating anything at that moment in time "but if you just wanna hole up in the hotel room I'm happy to do that too." 

"I don't want to waste our time in Japan" he frowned "not if I can help it. We all love it there so much, I'd hate to ruin everyone's trip..." 

"Gee, do you even realise how amazing it is that you're still doing this?" Frank sighed "the fact you're here, that you're still going to perform despite all the stuff that's going on for you right now, is more than enough."

"Thanks Frankie." 

"Hey, when this is over and you've had time to get yourself sorted out, we can always come back. Enjoy it properly, you know?" 

Gerard smiled at that and finished his coffee, imaging arriving in Japan, fresh faced, Frank by his side, perhaps a new album written too, ready to truly immerse himself.

"Guys! We're boarding!" they heard Brian yell over, and they quickly grabbed their bags. Gerard hadn't really packed much - stage clothes, some makeup and a few spare t-shirts. He hadn't really been able to think straight when they'd left the bus earlier, but he figured that was all he really needed, especially if he was going to be spending most of his time being watched over by his bandmates and manager to make sure he didn't fuck up again. 

Once they got on the plane Gerard found himself sat between Mikey and Frank. He hated the plane journeys, but had gotten used to being able to sleep on them, so as soon as they dimmed the lights he leaned his head on Frank's shoulder and shuffled his body into the most comfortable position plausible when you're stuck in the middle seat. Frank shifted a little so that he could rest his head better on his jacket-clad shoulder, and within minutes he nodded off. 

He woke up at one point when some turbulence caused the plane to bounce and sway. He became aware of the stiffness in his neck, and moved his head slightly to get a better angle, but didn't bother to open his eyes. He was nearly asleep again when he heard Mikey speak from the other side of him. 

"I don't want him to feel suffocated, like we're watching his every move, but I also can't help but watch him either..." 

Gerard kept his eyes tightly shut and let his chest fall heavily, curious to hear their conversation. 

"I know" Frank sighed from above him "but it's better now Mikes. He wants our help, he's asked for it. It's not like before when he'd get angry when we tried to stop him. I think he really means it when he says he's gunna get clean." 

"I know, I guess it's just last night. Him going missing, thinking something had happened to him, I just... I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to him." 

"Me neither" Frank said quietly. 

"You two finally getting together has really helped him, you know?" 

"You think?" 

"Of course. He's my brother, I can tell he's been in love with you for years. I think I knew he was in love with you before he did himself. And you both kept ignoring it, getting in half hearted relationships... it was frustrating to watch" they both laughed a little at that "but you've always been everything to him Frank." 

"I've been in love with him since the first time I heard him sing" Frank admitted "I came to watch you guys practice, and I was so stoned, so I was just lying on the couch listening to you guys, and then he started to sing demolition lovers... I knew I was screwed then."

"I remember that day" Mikey laughed "we wanted you to join in with us, but you were too stoned to get off the couch."

"Too stoned and way too terrified of fucking up in front of you all." 

"I don't think he's ever performed sober, you know" Mikey mumbled "I'm worried about it." 

"It's gunna be tough, but once he's onstage I know he'll be okay" Gerard felt Frank's fingers brush lightly through his hair, and he had to stop himself from leaning into the touch. There was something strangely addictive about listening to people talk about you like you can't hear. Especially when it was the two people he loved the most. 

"Should we wake him up?" 

"Nah, we've got another half an hour till we land yet. Let him rest." 

They started to talk about other things - people they'd known from school and a specific type of comic Mikey wanted to track down whilst they were in Japan, and Gerard let himself fall back asleep, a small smile on his face. 

*

The airport was hectic, and there were a few fans stood waiting at the exit when they finally got through baggage reclaim, so after signing a few albums they were all bundled into a waiting taxi. Brian was in his element when it came to scheduling, and Gerard was very grateful that he no longer had to plan any of these things himself. Instead he just leaned his head against the window and tried to take in as much as he could of Japan in the early morning light. It felt good to be there, so far away from the mundane normality of the US highways. Like pressing a reset button. 

"Okay, you've got a couple of interviews this afternoon" Brian said as he flicked through his schedule "nothing too long though, and we could try and rotate you guys around if Gerard doesn't feel up to doing them all-"

"I'll be fine" Gerard immediately replied. 

"Okay, well it's still an option if we need it" he pressed on "then you're free the rest of the afternoon and evening to go explore or relax, and tomorrow you've got soundcheck at midday. The shows sold out, but there's room on the guestlist if you need. Then you've got a day off, because I know you guys like to get some free time over here. And then the next day we fly home again, short but sweet trip." 

"One show, then back home" Frank nodded, glancing over at him. 

*

The hotel was beautiful, and they definitely looked out of place standing in the foyer.

"Well" Ray grinned "this is going to make a change from Bob's snoring above me." 

"Since when could we afford nice hotels?" Frank frowned, biting his lip ring slightly. Behind him, their crew members wheeled in their equipment, which was going to be taken straight to the venue by Brian. 

"I told you - album sales are going well" Brian grinned and handed them all their room keys "I need you guys back here in 2 hours for the interviews, okay?" 

They all nodded and dispersed. Their hotels rooms weren't all together, but they were all on the second floor. After wandering down a very long corridor Gerard and Frank eventually found theirs. Frank walked in ahead of him, dumping his bag on one of the two double beds that were in the room. 

"Which one?" he asked, turning round with a grin. 

"Oh, I thought-" 

"I meant which one shall we sleep in dumbass, not which one do you want" Frank rolled his eyes "there's no way I could go back to not sleeping next to you now. Especially when we have an actual bed." 

"That one" Gerard pointed to the one next to the window, and after kicking off his shoes Frank jumped backwards, star-fishing across the white sheets and letting out a moan. 

"Oh god, it's so comfy, and the sheets are so fresh. This is amazing, you've gotta come try it." 

Gerard shrugged off his jacket and dumped his shoes next to the door before he fell onto the bed next to Frank, instantly feeling him wrap his arm around his shoulder and pull him closer. Gerard eagerly rolled further so he was leaning down over Frank, tangling one of his legs with his. 

"You're right, this is amazing" he grinned, and Frank leaned up to kiss him. 

"You're so pretty" Frank mumbled against his lips "I can't believe you're..." he trailed off for a moment. 

"You're what?" 

"Mine. Well, if you're cool with me calling you that? I know we don't exactly need to put a label on things or anything but-" 

"Frank, I've never wanted anything more than this" Gerard leaned back so he could look into his eyes properly "I want to be with you. Properly. Always." 

Frank kissed him again, running a hand down his side and slipping it under his t-shirt so his fingers could dance across his skin. Gerard shivered a little and kissed back, moving his hips ever so slightly so that their jeans were brushing against each other in all the right places. 

Frank gasped at the friction, his hands automatically going to Gerard's hips in any attempt to get closer. 

"Fuck" Gerard breathed heavily "I'm so glad the others aren't in the room next door." 

"Oh yeah?' Frank raised an eyebrow "and why exactly is that? Got something planned?" as he spoke he rolled his hips up to meet his, and Gerard moaned loudly. 

"That is why" he fell down beside Frank on the mattress, but rolled onto his side so their faces were still close together and their bodies still entangled "and, after everything we haven't had space or privacy to do in a bunk, it would be a shame if we let an opportunity go to waste..." 

"Yeah?" Frank ran his thumb over his cheek "you know there's no pressure from me on that front, right? I mean, you've been through a lot and I don't want you to feel like we have to do anything unless you feel like it." 

"Frank" Gerard rolled his eyes "believe me, there's nothing I want to do more." 

"Well, they do say keeping busy and distracted helps prevent relapse... not that I'd be able to sit through interviews all afternoon afterwards, but depending on how you feel later..." 

"Exactly" Gerard grinned "you'd be helping a good cause." 

Frank let out a bark of laughter and pulled him closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. 

"Man, I love you" he sighed, and Gerard leant his head against his chest, loving the feel of his arms around him like that.

"I love you too Frankie." 

"Wanna watch some TV? I can probably work out how to turn the subtitles on." 

"Sure." 

They lay there together, Gerard watching as Frank tried to figure out how the hell to work the remotes, loving the way his brows would furrow in concentration and his fingers would play idly with the ends of his hair. He had a way of making everything seem bearable, like he could get through this, and like nothing could hurt him inside those four walls. 

*

Gerard had done a lot of interviews. He'd done them hungover, drunk, high, occasionally sober, sleep deprived... you name it. Sometimes he'd have all his bandmates with him, and sometimes he'd be alone. Sometimes the interviewer would ask really engaging and thoughtful questions, and other ones just wanted to play would you rather or some weird version of fuck marry kill that Gerard definitely didn't want his answers to being plastered over myspace. 

The ones in Tokyo that afternoon though, they were hard. He had his sunglasses on and a had popped some chewing gum on the way in, but even then he couldn't shield himself from the withdrawal racing through his body. He crossed and uncrossed his legs pretty much every minute or so, trying to stop them from jittering up and down. It didn't work. 

He was desperate for a fix, and also desperate to be okay for the sake of the band, and the two urges were battling each other right there in the forefront of his mind. The interviewer was asking them about their favourite things about Japan, and he managed to get half an answer out before Mikey jumped in and started to talk comics. The rest of his bandmates had taken to rotating their answers, clearly jumping in the moment Gerard's voice started to shake or his expression falter. 

"We're so excited to play" Ray was saying "we're all pretty tired out from touring, but Japan is so special to us all, that we couldn't refuse coming.." 

"Have you got anything special planned for your set?" the interviewer pressed on. She seemed nice, and Gerard felt bad that he probably wasn't giving the best delivery. 

"We're trying to convince our management to let us get pyro, but we're not quite there yet" Frank answered, energetic as ever. 

"Yeah, only because you'll find a way to injure either yourself or one of us if we do" Mikey rolled his eyes, and the interviewer laughed. 

"We don't have any surprises planned" Gerard spoke up then, figuring it was about time he offered something worthwhile "but it is going to be a special one for us, certainly for me. We're really grateful to be here right now, and to be playing to such large crowds too..." he trailed off and swallowed as the thought of facing all those faces sober started to hit him. He quickly shook the thought away and instead smiled, stealing a glance at the clock from behind his sunglasses to see that they should be wrapping up soon. 

After the interview wrapped Brian had them all driven back to the hotel, reminding them to all remember to get something decent to eat and what time he expected them all down at breakfast in the morning. 

"How are you feeling?" he pressed Gerard. The others all hung around stealing glances at him, clearly trying to assess for themselves. 

"Alive" he shrugged "me and Frankie are gonna go get sushi." 

"Okay, good" he nodded, but was still frowning "I've been speaking to the label, and if you want, they're happy to pay for rehab after this trip" Gerard went to object, but he rushed on "I know you don't want it, but just see how you feel when we fly home okay? It's a good option to have, even if it doesn't sound like it." 

"Fine" he sighed, mainly because he knew Brian hated it when he couldn't solve problems, and if agreeing to think about it meant Brian felt like he was doing something useful, then he'd give him that. 

"Okay, well, you've got my cell if you need anything" he smiled before turning to Frank "honestly, anything at all, just ring me okay guys?" 

"Brain, go, we've got it covered" Frank reached out and took Gerard's hand in his "come on Gee, let's go." 

*

"How many cities do you think we've walked around aimlessly?" Gerard sighed. They'd got sushi with the other guys, but now it was just him and Frank walking through the streets of Tokyo, hands laced together and swinging at their sides. 

"We've seen our fair share" Frank chuckled "I've lost track of which ones we've visited before and which ones are new." 

Gerard thought back to how many times they'd explored new places together, to all the times they'd sat side my side, even shared hotel rooms, and yet never taken advantage of it till now.

"We wasted a lot of time, didn't we?" 

"I don't think it would've been right back then" Frank shrugged "I mean, when we started this band I was what, 18? There's no way I could've held down a successful relationship back then, I was an annoying fucker." 

"You still are" that comment earned Gerard an light elbow. 

"Okay, I walked into that one" Frank chuckles "but seriously, neither of us would've had any idea what we were doing back then. This is far better." 

"It was nice having you as a best friend first" Gerard nodded "like, all that awkwardness is skipped and we already know everything about each other."

"Apart from when I thought I would always be stuck in the friend zone to you" Frank frowns "that seriously sucked." 

"We made out onstage most nights, trust me, I did not just view you as a friend" Gerard giggled "you were the one that's a serial flirt." 

"Not anymore" Frank grinned, and pulled him further down the road back to the hotel. 

*

When they got back to their hotel room Gerard's restlessness had gotten worse, and he sat down on the edge of the bed and pressed a hand to his chest, feeling how fluttery his heart rate had become. 

"Here" Frank handed him a glass of water "just take a few sips, I know it won't do much but I think all you can really do is ride it out." 

"Thanks Frankie" he took a few sips, more for Frank's benefit than his own. Frank sat next to him and rubbed circles into his shoulder. Gerard leaned back into his touch and gave a little groan, letting his breathing become deeper and reminding himself that he had to do this. He had to get clean one way or another, for Frank and Mikey and Ray and Bob and Brian and the fans and his mom. Oh god, he really needed to be okay for his mom. There were way too many people depending on him. 

"Maybe you should get some sleep..." 

"I'm not tired" Gerard sighed "jetlag I guess..." 

"At least you got some sleep in on the plane" Frank leaned forward, and Gerard put the glass down on the beside table so he could face him properly. Frank's fingers were running along his collarbone now, and then gently up and down the side of his neck. Then they travelled down his chest, eventually coming to rest on his side. 

He couldn't take the distance between them anymore, and quickly closed it, kissing Frank heavily, as if trying to show him exactly how not tired he was. He took him by surprise, and the two of them went toppling backwards, Frank landing on his back with a light thump as Gerard leaned over him, one hand on his neck and the other gripping his hip. 

"Gee" Frank moaned against his mouth when Gerard's hips rubbed against his own "you're not feeling well, we-" 

"I want this" Gerard mumbled back, hand now working on Frank's belt "please Frankie, I need - I need to not think right now." 

"Shit, okay" Frank gulped, and helped to kick his jeans off. Gerard was already grabbing at his t-shirt, desperate to see the tattoos underneath it. Frank was pulling at his clothes too, and after some shuffling and rolling they managed to discard them all. 

"Do you have lube? and a condom?" Gerard blinked, suddenly realising that when he'd been half-heartedly packing he really had only brought his stage clothes and not much else. 

"Yeah" Frank nodded "not that I assumed, I just, well yeah" he was blushing a little, which Gerard found so adorable it made his stomach flip a little. Or maybe that was just the withdrawal jitters. It was hard to tell at this point, but that's exactly what he wanted. Having their bodies pressed together, Frank's lips on his, it was exactly what he needed to make him feel something bigger than any cravings. 

Frank wriggled out from underneath him and rummaged around his bag for a moment before returning with them. "Fuck" he breathed, looking down at him "we're actually going to do this, huh?" 

"Yeah" Gerard grabbed him by the arm and pulled him down over him and kissed him deeply, letting his hand trail down and start to jack him off. Frank gasped, eyes rolling back and reaching out a hand to steady himself against the bed frame. 

"Do you want.." Frank broke off, letting out a moan when Gerard sped up a little "Do you want me to top?" 

"Fuck yes" Gerard gulped, and then Frank was leaning down and opening the lube. Gerard stopped touching him for a moment so he could shuffle around and get in a better position. 

When Frank pressed his fingers inside of him he couldn't control the noises that started to escape his mouth. They were needy and loud and kind of delirious, and Frank's eyes had gone considerably darker with each one he made. 

"Oh god" he gasped "Frank, I need... I need you fucking now."

"Tell me that again" Frank gulped, rushing to get the condom on. Gerard kept talking, telling him, or practically begging him, and they were both shaking with need at this point.

It felt like forever had passed by the time Frank finally pushed into him, but realistically it had probably only been a few moments. Gerard was pressed up against the headboard now, his knees up and Frank leaning between them, his eyes closed and mouth hanging open, hair falling down into his face much like it did near the end of their shows. 

He could tell Frank was trying to be gentle, his pace slow at first, but when Gerard started to grind down against him his resolve quickly broke, and his pace increased so rapidly Gerard could practically see stars. 

"Shit, yeah" he gasped "keep going, on god please don't stop" he knew he was pretty vocal during sex, but he couldn't help it - it was like any sort of filter between his thoughts and his mouth was disabled "fuck Frankie, you're so good." 

"I've wanted this for so fucking long" Frank just gasped back "I fucking love you, I just... oh god." 

"Me too" Gerard managed to say before letting out an animalistic noise. Frank's fingers were digging into his hips so hard they'd probably leave a mark, and this only seemed to turn him on impossibly more. He moved his head as best he could so that he could start to kiss up Frank's neck, over his tattoos, and then started to suck on them too, trying desperately to leave some sort of mark in return. 

Frank shifted a little and started to hit a new angle that made every muscle in Gerard's body tense in the best possible way and the room spin around him so all he could really focus on was the point at which their skin was touching and the expression on Frank's face as he became more and more erratic. 

"I don't think I'm gonna last much longer" Gerard gasped, and Frank looked relieved. 

"Thank fuck, neither am I" he let out a choked laugh, grabbing fistfuls of Gerard's hair as he came. And then he reached down to jack Gerard off, and any hope of holding out any longer was immediately lost. 

Gerard followed him over the edge, and after some de-tangling of limbs quickly scurried to the bathroom to clean himself up. 

He caught sight of himself in the mirror, hair a mess, cheeks flushed, and grinned before heading back into the room. Frank was crashed out on the bed, and he collapsed next to him, leaning his head on his chest. 

"Well" Frank hummed "was that a good enough distraction?" 

"Hmmm" Gerard leaned up so he could look at him properly and smirked "I think we'll definitely have to try it again in the morning to make sure, but I'd say so, yeah."

*

Gerard had slept pretty well, but when he woke up it was to a pounding headache and more heart palpitations. Frank had pulled him closer, running his fingers through his hair and wrapping himself around him like some sort of human shield. It had helped, especially when Gerard could keep his eyes shut and just pretend like nothing outside of their hotel room existed, but eventually Brian came knocking on their door, reminding them that breakfast was only on for another half an hour and then they needed to get going.

"Do you wanna shower?' Frank had asked as he stretched his arms above him, the covers slipping down to reveal his inked chest.

"Nah" Gerard shook his head "you go ahead."

The moment Frank left the bed Gerard felt ten times worse, and even shuffled over into the space he'd previously been lying in just to try and get a few more moments of quiet. Eventually he dragged himself out too, and shoved on the same jeans and hoodie he'd been wearing the day before. He shoved his sunglasses on the top of his head, half to hold back his hair in some sort of presentable manner and half because he knew he'd probably need them later on when the lights got too bright.

By this point Frank was out of the shower and pulling on his clothes. He'd actually packed properly, so was wearing a fresh pair of jeans and a black flag t-shirt. He still had the same scuffed up converse and worn leather jacket though.

"Hey" he laughed suddenly from where he was stood next to the bed, picking something off the pillow "my lip ring totally fell out last night and I didn't even notice."

"Oh" Gerard blushed a little "good job you found that before we left."

"Yeah" he grinned, heading over to the mirror so he could put it back in "always a sign of a good night..."

"I hope so" Gerard closed the distance between them and wrapped an arm around his waist, nuzzling the side of his neck. Frank turned around and kissed him.

"It was the best" he grinned "now come on, Mikey just text to say there's pancakes."

They headed down to breakfast hand in hand, only letting go when Gerard headed in search of the coffee machine whereas Frank headed straight for the food. He grabbed a coffee and by the time he got to the table he saw a plate of food was already waiting for him.

"You're going to need to eat properly" Ray shrugged, pushing the plate towards him "plus Brian told us we had to keep you fed and watered."

Brian was stood in the doorway on the phone, but still pointed at Gerard and then at his food and mouthed "eat up."

"It's like I'm a fucking house plant" Gerard rolled his eyes, but started to eat anyway.

"Remember when we tried to keep plants back home?" Mikey laughed "and they'd always die and you'd always be so bummed out by it."

"Didn't you live in the basement?" Ray frowned.

"Yeah, it was a lack of sunlight that always finished them off" Gerard sighed, thinking back to how he'd even managed to kill a cactus once, which really was saying something.

"What did I miss?" Frank asked as he sat down with a mountain of pancakes.

"Gerard's ability to kill plants" said Mikey.

"My houseplants always die when I'm on tour" Frank nodded "even though I specifically ask the old lady next door to water them for me, and she swears she does and yet each time my succulents are falling apart by the time I get back..."

Gerard zones out of the conversation, noticing how much his toast tasted like cardboard as his body ached for something more, something to take the edge off and make the commotion around him more bearable. He gritted his teeth and pushed through, eventually managing to finish his food just as Brian came back over.

"Soundcheck time" he declared "our taxi's on its way, so if you want a smoke I suggest going now."

*

Gerard felt like he wanted to puke, but also knew he didn't have much to throw up. 

They were on in fifteen minutes, and his mood was at a rock bottom. Every little thing was irritating him, from his makeup not looking quite right to the water tasting gross, to the way Bob was tapping his foot on the ground.

He knew he was being unreasonable, and it was the withdrawal, but he couldn't help but glare at the ground and try and sip on his diet coke, which he really wished contained some fucking vodka. 

"Gee?" He realised Frank had moved closer to him on the sofa, and was trying to talk to him. 

"Hmm?" 

"I said are you okay? You look kinda pale" Frank frowned, brushing some of the hair out of his face so he could actually see his boyfriend's eyes. 

"Yeah, just the nausea" he admitted in a small voice "and er, well, stage fright I guess..." 

"First show sober, right?" Mikey said from the sofa opposite. Gerard just nodded. "Gerard, you were born to perform. You never needed anything else up there, it's going to be okay." 

"You think so?"

"We all know so, dipshit" Bob rolled his eyes "you bleed talent, it's almost annoying." 

"Listen" Ray chimed in "all those kids out there? You're their hero. You getting up there and doing your thing, that's all they want. You're not winning people over, you're just doing what you do best." 

"Thanks guys" Gerard gulped and swallowed down as another wave of nausea hit. 

"This is the hardest bit" Frank smiled softly at him "you do this show, and then you'll see that you can do a hundred more like this. And once it's over, we'll go do some touristy shit, or we can just go chill and watch cartoons in the hotel, whatever you want." 

They were all looking at him like they were worried he was going to puke, or make a run for it. 

"Okay" he took a deep breath "okay, yeah. We've got this." 

He finished his diet coke and chucked the can somewhere to the left of him, and then proceeded to put his head between his knees and take some deep breaths. 

"Shit" he heard Brian say from the doorway "he's gone downhill." 

"I'll be fine when I get up there" Gerard mumbled from between his knees "just need a moment." 

"I can give you five minutes, then you're on." 

"We'll be there." 

"I wish there are more we could do" Frank sighed. 

"You're already helping so much" Gerard raised his head to give him a weak smile "just don't kick me in the balls or any of that shit."

"I wouldn't dream of it" Frank chuckled "I'll just have to annoy one of the others instead.."

"Not me" Mikey and Ray said at the same time. 

"Well shit" grumbled Bob. 

After a few more minutes they found themselves being ushered to the stage wings, the crowd's screams deafening until Gerard put his ear monitors in. Mikey wrapped his arms around him and hugged him, and before he knew it Frank, Ray and Bob were all there too. 

Behind them, Brian yelled "Don't suffocate him!" 

"Let's do this" Gerard smiled when his bandmates let go, and headed onstage ahead of him. Brian gave him an encouraging nod, and then he turned and looked out to the stage. The first few steps made him feel like his whole stomach had dropped, but when he reached his familiar mic stand and heard the riff of Give Em Hell Kid start in his ears, he swallowed and found every ounce of confidence he could muster. 

He was a performer, he could do this. 

He sang with everything he had. There were still the withdrawal shakes and the nausea to contend with, but all in all he didn't stumble, or trip up over words. He wasn't really moving around much, but near the end of the song he started to give it more energy, moving nearer to the crowd, and then back towards Mikey. 

They kicked into the next song immediately, and when he turned he saw that, sure enough, Frank was climbing on top of one of Bob's drums, thrashing around on it and looking like he could topple off at any second. Mikey had already moved out of the way, and sure enough when Gerard next turned back Frank was now on the floor, his expression not too far from the night before. 

Gerard found himself focusing on those memories, of how good he looked and felt, and clung to them. It certainly helped him get into his stage persona for Prison, and he even ventured over to Frank's side of the stage for that song. Frank was surprised at first, but quickly leaned into him for the final few moments of the song. When that one finished there was a brief moment when the lights were low, and Frank took the moment to reach over and squeeze his hand. It was so quick he didn't even have time to squeeze back, but it was exactly what he needed. 

He walked back to the front of the stage and took a few deep breaths. He could've sworn he heard someone from the crowd yell "are you okay?" and he just gave a half hearted laugh into the mic before realising everyone had heard. 

"Funny you should ask" he tried to cover up "because this next song is called I'm Not Okay." The crowd all started screaming at that point, and the guys kicked into the song without a further second to spare. They all knew Gerard wasn't up to any sort of profound speeches between songs, and were all eager to just get through the set as efficiently as they could. 

By the time they got to their final song, Helena, Gerard's nausea had combined nicely with his stage fright in his stomach, and he knew he was going to have to get to a bathroom pretty quick, but he was also determined to finish the song. He'd got this far, he had to finish it now. The guys kept grinning at him encouragingly whenever he made eye contact with them, and he knew that despite everything, he'd pulled it off. The crowd was going wild, he hadn't missed a single word and what he lacked in energy his bandmates had more that made up for. 

As soon as the last few notes rang out, he yelled a "thank you" into his mic and bolted across the stage, past Ray, past Brian in the wings, and down the corridor. He barrelled into their dressing room and just about made it to the toilet, falling to his knees and puking. He didn't exactly have much to throw up except the water he'd been drinking onstage and the granola bars Ray and Brian had been force feeding him throughout the hours leading up to their performance. 

After a minute or so he heard the door open behind him. 

The space was cramped, but Mikey crouched down behind him and placed a hand on Gerard's back. 

"I'll get him a water" he heard Frank say from behind him. 

"It's okay Gee" Mikey mumbled "you've done it, and you were so amazing up there."

"I didn't feel it" Gerard sat back on the gross bathroom floor and pulled the flush "although i'm mainly just glad I made it here in time." 

Mikey just sat down next to him and let Gerard lean his head on his shoulder. 

"I'm so proud of you" he mumbled after a moment "and mom and dad will be too, you know. And so is Grandma... you know, wherever she is now." 

Gerard felt tears brimming in his eyes, and placed a hand on Mikey's knee. 

"I love you Mikes" was all he said. 

Frank appeared then, and handed him a bottle of water and some chewing gum "You reckon you're done?" 

"Yeah, that's all of it" Gerard nodded as he opened the water "god, I feel so much better for puking." 

"You'll feel even better when you get off that floor" Frank chuckled as Mikey stood up. They both reached out a hand, and Gerard grabbed them, letting them help haul him up. 

"Is he okay?" he heard Brian ask. 

"Yeah" he smiled, stepping out the doorway "I am." 

*

It was late by the time they got back to the hotel, so they all quickly dispersed to their rooms. Crawling into bed next to Frank was the best feeling ever, especially when he held Gerard to his chest all night, running his hands through his hair and telling him how proud he was until Gerard finally drifted off. 

His sleep was fragmented, and he kept waking up feeling disoriented. Sometimes it would take a good few moments to remember where he was. Seeing Frank lying next to him helped though, and he would smile to himself before moving closer to him. 

When he finally woke up to the sunlight streaming through the cracks in the curtains, he stretched his arms above his head and, after checking the bedside clock to see if it was a respectable hour, woke up Frank. 

"Hey" he yawned "how are you feeling?" 

"Better than yesterday" Gerard nodded "well, certainly less sick and shaky. Although I am pretty hungry." 

"Pancakes?" 

"Pancakes" he nodded, and before he knew what was happening Frank had rolled on top of him and was kissing him. Gerard reached up to put his hand on his arm, feeling the muscles of his biceps tense as he held himself above him, and immediately felt a bit dizzy for non-withdrawal related reasons. 

"I wanna get woken up like this everyday" Frank grinned as he pulled away, but still leaned over him. 

"That can be arranged" Gerard propped himself up on his elbows "I make good pancakes too, and when we're back in Jersey we also won't have Brian knocking on our door when we're late for breakfast or bus call." 

"We're never going to leave your apartment, are we?" 

"Nope" Gerard giggled "it's going to be perfect." 

*

Once breakfast had been consumed, they decided to all spend their last day together. They headed out to a temple that Ray and Mikey wanted to check out, and then a gallery Gerard wanted to see, which they all enjoyed more than they thought they would. 

"You could do better" Frank would occasionally chime in when Gerard got super engrossed in checking out the details on paintings, to which he would just roll his eyes and instead try to explain to Frank about the history of each piece. To his credit, he listened intensely to each word he said. 

When they got to the Yayoi Kusama bit, Frank was instantly obsessed. 

"Dude, pumpkins!" he'd all but yelled, checking out the massive sculptures in front of him "this is so fucking cool." 

"I thought you'd like it" Gerard grinned, grabbing his hand and tucking his head over his shoulder so he could read the description too "she's an amazing artist, you know." 

"Anyone who makes sculptures of pumpkins that are almost as big as me is amazing in my book" Frank nodded, squeezing his hand back. 

"Wanna go see if there's prints in the gift shop?" 

"Absolutely." 

*

"You seem better today" Mikey acknowledged on their way back to the hotel. 

"I am" Gerard nodded enthusiastically "I mean, I'm not great, but I'm not puking and my appetite is coming back. I think once I can get back home to my own apartment that will really help too." 

"Yeah, most people detox in rehab, not on tour on the other side of the world" his brother laughed "not that I expect anything that simple from you." 

"I'll be super boring once we're back in Jersey, don't worry. Just gonna drink coffee and coke zero and have movie marathons with Frank. You should join!" 

"I will. It will be good to have Frank there, he can help us eat the insane amount of food mom is going to cook for us the minute we get home and she sees how skinny we've both got from tour." 

Gerard's mouth watered at the thought of their mom's cooking. "Do you think if we phone ahead she could make her cookies and we could just pick them up on the way through? I bet we can convince Brian to take a small detour..." 

Mikey's eyes lit up too and he grabbed his phone "I'll call her now." 

Gerard smiled to himself and realised that this was the happiest he'd been to go home from tour in a very long time. 

*

Gerard didn't mind the long haul plane journeys so much now that he'd perfected the ability to sleep the whole way through. And invested in a good neck pillow. As nice as Frank's shoulder was, it was still a bit bony after a while. 

When they landed back in Jersey they didn't have to wait too long at baggage reclaim, and as soon as Frank was reunited with Pansy he and Gerard got coffee whilst their taxi's were called. 

"You jumping in with us?" he asked Mikey. 

"Yeah, Frank's just calling it now" Mikey nodded "I think they're getting a big one so Ray and Brian can jump in too, we're all heading the same way." Bob had already got his connecting flight to Chicago. 

"So" Brian said, approaching him a bit nervously "how are you doing Gerard?"

"Better" he smiled "honestly. I think i'm getting through the worst of it now, and keeping the caffeine up is helping.." 

"And what's the plan? I know you're not keen on rehab, so I won't push it anymore unless you ask, but I also don't like the thought of you being on your own at all, especially for the next few weeks." 

"I'm going to stay with him" Gerard hadn't even noticed Frank walk up behind him until he spoke "we've gotta call in at mine on the way so I can grab some clean clothes, but I'm not going to leave him on his own." 

"I'll be round a lot too" Mikey chimed in "so between us we should manage fine." 

"That sounds good with me" Brian nodded "I've got to go manage another tour, but if you need me for anything, please don't hesitate to call. I don't care how small it is, okay?" 

"Understood" Gerard nodded and then turned to Frank "we can stay at yours for a bit first if you'd rather have a night at home." 

"Nah, I don't mind at all" Frank shrugged "it's better we get you settled back at yours anyway. Plus, you have a far better selection of horror movies." 

"He has a point there" Mikey agreed as their taxi pulled up "shotgun!" 

*

Gerard and Frank were the first to be dropped off, figuring they'd gather Frank's things and then he could drive them over to Gerard's apartment, which wasn't far at all. 

Frank's apartment was small but pretty tidy. The walls were covered with old gig posters from shows he'd been to when he was a teenager, and he owned a stupid amount of guitars. Gerard had hung out there plenty of times in the past, but it felt so different stood there now, as his boyfriend's apartment. 

He sat down on the sofa and waited as Frank dumped all his tour gear in the washing machine and then proceeded to pack a new bag of clean clothes. 

"I'll come back in a few days and grab some more" he reasoned as he chucked his duffel bag on the floor "we should stop at the store too and get some food. And you'll need milk for your coffee." 

"Shall we just order pizza and i'll drink black coffee till tomorrow?" Gerard yawned, and Frank chuckled. 

"Pizza's always good with me. But we're eating healthy from tomorrow okay? Your body is a temple and all that shit." 

"It will be nice to cook properly" Gerard hummed "It's been a long time since i made my chickpea curry..." 

"I've got this great new veggie burger recipe too" Frank said as he thumbed through his record collection, pulling a few out to bring along too "god, we sound like a married couple, don't we?" 

They both laughed, but Gerard blushed a little too. He was so excited to have some sort of domestic time with Frank, just them hanging out in his apartment, cooking and watching horror movies and not having to be anywhere or do anything specific. 

*

They drove over to Gerard's in comfortable silence, Frank resting his hand on his knee every now and then. Gerard leaned his head against the window and watched the streets of his hometown fly past, the evening light making everything look warm and better than it normally did. It was weird coming home after a long time away. Nothing really changed or looked any different, and yet for him personally so much had since he last stepped foot in his apartment.

His neighbour's cat was still sat in it's usual spot on the corner of his road, watching him with a knowing eye. It was nice to come back to such normality when his life normally moved at a hundred miles an hour. 

Normally when he got home he'd feel kind of hollow for a few days, not used to his own company after being with other people constantly for so long on the road, but now with Frank walking into his apartment beside him, it felt perfect. 

"I'll order the pizza" he said, dropping his bag by the door "er, make yourself at home..." 

"Veggie supreme please!" Frank called over his shoulder and he moved through the apartment, dumping his toothbrush in the bathroom and then taking his bag through to the bedroom. He seemed instantly comfortable, and Gerard was so glad their friendship meant that he already knew where everything was, and could relax so easily. 

"I know" he chuckled, grabbing the menu from the kitchen drawer and his phone, which just about had enough battery left to order a couple of pizzas and some diet cokes. 

Once their food had arrived Gerard brought a blanket through to the sofa and they curled up on there, some crappy reality tv on in the background that neither were really paying any attention to.

"I spoke to my mom earlier" Frank said, putting his box down on the coffee table so he could pull Gerard closer to him "she said we should go round for dinner soon, if you're up for that?" 

"Of course" Gerard hummed "it's weird, meeting the parents when you've already met the parents so many times..." 

"It's nice" Frank nodded, fingers running along the line where Gerard's t-shirt stopped and his skin began "no awkward introductions, they already know so much about us, we can just slip into it..." 

"Does she know about... you know... my issues?" 

Frank paused for a moment. "She knows you've had a hard time recently, and I told her you won't be drinking anymore, but she won't press for any more details than that. Nobody really needs to know more than that if you don't want them to." 

Gerard knew what he was talking about. The fans. 

"I don't want to hide it" he frowned "not if it could help people to know what i'm going through. That you can get through it, and that it's okay to speak up about it if you think you've got a problem..." 

"You don't have to be the hero all the time Gee, you already do enough. If you want to keep that, or this, private, than we can." 

"Maybe we'll keep this secret for a bit longer" Gerard grinned, and leaned up to kiss Frank. It was gentle at first, but there was something addictive about finally having Frank all to himself in his apartment, no distractions or bus calls or even hotel breakfasts to make. Just them, moving under the blanket so Frank was leaning over him, his back pressing into the pillows as he pulled him down over him and started to kiss him more heatedly. 

Gerard moved his hips upwards to grind against Frank's, and then both let out various strings of moans as Frank moved at a similar pace, his hand roughly grabbing onto a handful of Gerard's hair. 

"Fuck" he panted, pulling away and looking down at Gerard, who bit his lip and grabbed at Frank's t-shirt, pulling it over his head. 

"Frankie..." Gerard bit his lip, and that was just way too much for Frank to handle, his lips coming crashing down on Gerard's without a word. Both pairs of hands were fumbling with the others jeans, kicking them off and then Gerard's t-shirt went flying over the back of the sofa for good measure. The blanket had fallen onto the floor a while ago, and instead Gerard was pushing upwards until he finally managed to flip Frank onto his back by sending them both topping over onto the other end of the sofa. 

"Gee what are you - oh fuck" all thought disappeared from Frank's head when Gerard took him in his mouth, hollowing his cheeks and going down on him criminally fast without even seeming to gag. Frank let his head fall back on the sofa and tried to string some form of coherent thought together in his head, but came up blank. Gerard was doing this swirling thing with his tongue and his nails were digging into his thighs, and if the shaking in Frank's stomach was anything to go by then-

"Wait" Frank gasped, and Gerard immediately drew back, looking up at him with a curious expression. 

"What's wrong baby?" 

"Nothing, oh god, that's fucking amazing" Frank rushed "I just really really want to fuck you right now." 

"Oh" the confusion on Gerard's face was quickly replaced by a smirk as he moved off Frank and stood up, holding out his hand "I, yeah, that sounds good.." 

Frank grabbed his hand and let him pull him up, legs still shaky, as they both stumbled into the bedroom. 

"Where's the damn light?" Frank giggled as they fumbled about in the dark, falling onto the bed just as Gerard turned on the bedside lamp. He fumbled round in the bedside drawer, grabbing lube and a condom and chucking them back onto the bed behind him for Frank to catch. 

Gerard turned back around and paused, smiling softly at Frank and running a hand up his arm. "You look so amazing right now..." 

"So do you" Frank wrapped an arm round his waist and pulled him so Gerard was back underneath him "even better like this, though..." Gerard just giggled and let him kiss up the side of his neck as his hands worked on opening the lube. 

"You ready?" he asked, and Gerard nodded and quickly started to gasp as Frank pressed a finger inside of him. 

"Fuck" Gerard shuffled slightly before he spoke again "another one, Frankie.." 

"Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you..." 

"You won't, just please" Gerard gulped "I need you.." 

Frank complied, and after a couple of minutes was satisfied that Gerard was prepped enough he wouldn't hurt him. 

"Okay, wanna get on your knees?" 

They shuffled some more so that Frank was leaning over him from behind, mouth pressing kisses along Gerard's shoulder as he pushed into him. Gerard let out a string of curse words and moans, and Frank held back, gradually pushing in more and more. After another moment Gerard started to push back into his touch, and Frank took that as an invitation to pick up his pace and began to thrust into him harder. 

"Fuck" Gerard's mouth was hanging open now, and with each thrust he would himself falling into the pillow more and more, moving his head to the side so Frank could still have a good view of his expression. He used one hand to grab a fistful of sheets and the other to wrap around his own dick, knots of pleasure forming in his lower stomach. "Fuck me, you're so good at that.." 

"So are you" Frank managed to pant, the room practically spinning for him "just looking at you is making me so close Gee..." 

"I'm close too" Gerard admitted between pants, knees trying and failing to find some sort of grip on the sheets "come with me, Frankie." 

"Oh god yes" Frank moaned wrapping his arm round Gerard's waist and burying his face in his neck, sweat clinging to both their bodies as his movements got more jagged and uncoordinated. He managed to hold out until he felt Gerard come beneath him, and then he let himself fall over the edge too, using the last of his energy to pull out and collapse onto the bed beside him. 

Gerard stayed on his front for a moment, panting and gasping, until he finally managed to pull himself up and reach for the tissues on the side of the bed, mopping himself up. 

"We should probably shower..." Frank mumbled, but Gerard just pulled the sheet over them both and crawled into his arms, legs tangling together. 

"We've both been in far worse states" he giggled "and i'm way too exhausted to get up again now..." 

"Well I need a glass of water, and to turn the TV off" Frank chuckled, pressing a kiss to his forehead "i'll be right back." 

True to his word he was probably only out the room for about two minutes, but the minute he got back into bed Gerard still made a fuss of dragging him as close to him as he could and wrapping himself around him, hooking one leg over his. 

"I love you" he yawned sleepily. 

"love you too" Frank mumbled into his hair "so much." 

*

When he woke up the next day, Gerard rolled over and frowned at the empty patch in the bed beside him. He sat up groggily and pushed his hair out of his face, pulling on the first clean t-shirt he found and stumbling out of the bedroom. 

Frank was in the kitchen, the coffee machine whirring behind him as he emptied all the alcohol Gerard had - which admittedly wasn't that much as he tended to drink anything available, into a bin bag. 

"You don't have to do all that" Gerard frowned, leaning in the doorway. 

"It's okay, I woke up and thought I'd make a start" Frank shrugged "is this all of it?"

"Yeah, it is" Gerard crossed the room and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, hugging him from behind and tucking his chin over his shoulder "you're the best, I couldn't do this without you." 

"Yes you could" Frank leaned back against him "you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. But I'm just glad there's stuff I can do to help. Starting with an apartment detox and deep clean, I think." 

"Or we could just have sex and watch the exorcist..." 

"We've got time for both" Frank turned so he could kiss him, kicking the bin bag out of the way "In fact, we've got all the time in the world..." 

"I like the sound of that" Gerard pulled away and picked up the bin bag "I'll go chuck this outside, and then we can go get groceries." 

"Don't forget to take a shower!" Frank yelled after him, and Gerard just giggled and let himself out the apartment, heading down the stairs and dumping the bag by the bins, the clinking of bottles and cans actually didn't tempt him at all. Sure, there was a part of him that wanted to just drinking everything in there and not have to think anymore, but a far bigger part of him was stupidly excited to wash his hair and drive to the supermarket and make meal plans with Frank. To live with him and share everything, and to go have dinner at their moms. He was finally in a relationship with someone that he wanted to be part of his family, both immediate and extended, and in many ways it already felt like he was. 

His neighbours' cat was outside again, looking at him from across the road. He grinned at it, and then headed back up his stairs with a bounce in his step.


End file.
